Grandpa's wake and funeral were two of the hardest things I have ever done.
The day previous to the wake, we went to the florist to pick out flowers. How do you do this? How can you choose the right flowers? What
are the right flowers? Thankfully, my Grandmother and her children (my mother and her siblings) had already picked out their flower arrangements. They all decided on red and white...because of Grandpa's love of the St. Louis Cardinals. (He's the reason we're all huge fans.) Us grandchildren decided to stick with this theme, even going so far as to get a baseball vase. Then the florist asked what we wanted on our ribbon. Grandma picked "Dear Husband" and his kids picked "Loving Father". We wanted to choose a different word so we asked the florist what else people use. She said that dear, loving, and beloved were the most commonly used. My cousins and I all looked at each other with the same disgusted face. We are
not a group to use the word "beloved". We're a loud, crazy, goofy group and we get that goofiness from our Grandpa. We decided to pick something more "us". We decided on "Awesome Grandpa". It's more of our personality and it's really fitting because one of Grandpa's favorite t-shirts says "This is what an AWESOME Grandpa looks like." We all knew he'd be more than pleased with "Awesome Grandpa" rather than "Beloved Grandfather"....that sounds too formal and classy for us.
After picking out the flowers, we all went back to my aunt and uncle's house and worked on some photo collage posters. It was great looking through all the photos of us throughout the years.
While doing this, I also worked on the eulogy. None of my cousins thought they could give a eulogy so I stepped up and said I think I could do it. I wanted to have the honor of paying a tribute to Grandpa. I took notes from all my cousins and siblings on things they'd want shared and said about Grandpa. That evening, I compiled it all into a eulogy from all of us cousins.
Tuesday morning, we headed to the funeral home. They took our poster boards and quilt
(you can read about the quilt in yesterday's post) into the room for us. When they were ready, they led us into Grandpa's room. Grandma went up the casket, with her children, to see Grandpa. It was heartbreaking to watch her touch his hair and cheek, crying, talking to him. I cannot believe their {physical} love has come to an end. It pains me that I will no longer see their love; the greatest love I've ever witnessed.
Then we each took our turns at the casket. I took time alone and it was hard for me to look at him. People just never look the same in the casket. Instead, I just laid my hand on his chest and cried. And wished for more time with him, even though I know it was a pointless plea.
After about 45 minutes, the wake was open for the public. I had a hard time in the beginning. Grandma and Grandpa had a HUGE network of friends. They still hung out with high school couples, college couples, and couples from their neighborhood. It was amazing to hear about how long their friendships have lasted, how much Grandpa meant to them, and how much he loved us grandkids and talked about us all the time. What was even more amazing were men around my mother's age introducing themselves to us, telling us my Grandpa coached them (in various sports) when they were very young. It brought me to tears to know that Grandpa touched them so deeply, that 40+ years later, they still have the fondest memories of him, respected him, thought of him, and wanted to pay their respects to him.
After a while, I became numb. The tears weren't as frequent. I did bawl my eyes out a few times. I saw Josh (for those that don't know, Josh has been my brother's best friend for what seems like forever and I consider him my brother. He's been there for me, and my family, in ways only family is. I mean, he even came to our family reunions at the lake!!!) standing in line. I got out of line to say hi to him and as I was one step away, he opened up his arms to me. I just fell into them and sobbed and sobbed. He held me, saying nothing. It meant a lot to all of us that he traveled in from Columbia to be here for us, especially for my brother.
There were a few others, my best friend Jessie, that I couldn't hold myself together when I saw. It was just hard. These people knew just how hard this was for me...for all of us. They've been a part of our family, attending family events with us, and loved Grandpa as well.
It's a great thing I did become so numb to this all because the line was out the door all night long, for almost six hours. It was a true testament to how amazing Grandpa is. They eventually had to close the doors and cut the line off. It only made us feel that much more blessed to know this amazing man everyone was here to pay respects to, was our Grandfather (husband and father). Not a second goes by that we do not recognize this blessing in our lives and feel forever grateful.
That night, we said goodbye to Grandpa and all went home. We welcomed Josh back to our house for the night and we all sat around drinking and talking, remembering our amazing Grandfather.
I didn't sleep well that night. I kept crying, thinking about Grandpa laying there alone in that casket. I
know that it's not him, just his body. I KNOW that, but I couldn't shake the feeling of him being there alone. It made for a very long and rough night.
The next morning, we all got ready and headed back to the funeral home. We spent about 30 minutes with Grandpa and then a few close family and friends showed up for a short prayer service. After the prayer service, we all said our final goodbye to Grandpa. It was the second hardest thing I've done in my life (the first being saying goodbye to him before he was taken off his machines in the hospital).
Grandma and her children climbed into the limo, while the rest of us climbed in our cars and made our way to Assumption Catholic Church for his funeral. Grandma, her children, and their spouses filled the first row with my cousins and I behind them. Thank goodness for my family. Various times throughout the Mass, I felt a hand on my shoulder, as my brother reached around my cousin to comfort me. A hand squeezing mine as I cried. A hand rubbing my back as I leaned forward to cry. We were all there for one another. Even Grandma reached back to grab my hand, holding it hard, when I was having a difficult time.
We opened the Mass with the eulogies. My uncle Gary, speaking on behalf of the siblings, and myself, speaking on behalf of us cousins, decided it'd be best to do it first, when we were still partially composed. I went first, with my mother, aunt, and two uncles (Grandpa's kids) behind me. I did a great job and only cried twice, the very two places I
knew I would cry during my eulogy. Thank goodness for my Uncle Gary to whisper "It's okay, take a deep breathe. No rush" while placing a hand on my back. I delivered a eulogy that I know Grandpa would be proud of. I looked at Grandma the entire time and she had a smile on her face throughout it all, occasionally winking at me. That woman...she's my favorite.
After I finished, I stepped back, as Uncle Gary and his siblings stepped forward. Their eulogy was very touching. I heard stories about their childhood that I'd never heard before (which was surprising because my family loves to rehash their younger years!) Of course, their eulogy also made us all cry.
{After the funeral, I had compliments from so many people about how amazing my eulogy was and how proud and impressed people were with how well I held myself together. And that they knew Grandpa was proud. And that's all I wanted. To make him proud and smile down on me.}
After the Gospel, the priest spoke about Grandpa. I learned so many things I never knew about him! I had no idea how deeply involved he was with his parish, starting the Athletic Association, etc.
Following the funeral, we all went to Jefferson Barrack's National Cemetery. We all gathered around Grandpa's American flag draped casket. The burial service was performed by sailors, because Grandpa was in the Navy. After the flag was folded, they passed it off to Kyle, my sister's boyfriend (who is pretty much her husband and loved by my entire family) who is a Warrant Officer in the Army. He handed the flag off to Grandma and I know it meant a lot to her to have him do that. After the presentation of the flag was the gun salute, followed by taps. This now became the second hardest thing in my life. Hearing this song, was just too sad. The song itself is depressing and what is symbolizes only makes it worse. It was the final goodbye. When it was over, the guests all left. The family stayed behind to place roses on his casket. When one of the directors picked up the "Dear Husband" arrangement, a huge red rose broke off and fell to the ground. My brother immediately said, "That's from Grandpa" and we handed it to Grandma telling her that. She got the biggest smile on her face and kept it. We then took turns placing a rose on his casket and saying goodbye to him.
Mom was upset that we were leaving and one of the cemetery directors came up to her and said that he promised he would stay with his casket until he was taken to his burial site and placed in the ground. We cannot thank him enough as this made us feel much better.
Afterwards, we all went to one of Grandma and Grandpa's favorite restaurants with just our closest family and friends for the luncheon. Following the luncheon, we all went back to the house to continue to be together, something we all wanted. At 5pm, we made a pitcher of Manhattans, Grandpa's drink of choice every night at 5pm. We went around the room, saying something about Grandpa and toasting to him.
That evening, I had to leave my family because I had to catch a plane at 6am, which meant I needed to leave my house around 3:30am. It was so hard to say goodbye to them all. I wanted to stay there with people who knew my pain. I wanted their comfort over the next few weeks. But I needed to return to my husband, who's soft patch ceremony was the next day. I needed to get home to him, who was also in pain. It was really hard for Nick to not be in St. Louis with my family, being there for me, being able to attend Grandpa's wake and funeral. He's happy he was able to spend time with him the previous week, able to say goodbye, but he was pretty upset he couldn't be here.
The goodbye the next morning at the airport was hard. My parents and I cried quite a bit. Those two flights were the hardest of my life. I'm sure people thought I was crazy; crying in the security line, crying at the gate, crying on the flight, crying exiting the plane, waiting for my next flight, boarding, and flying again. It was just all too much to handle.
Thankfully my amazing husband was waiting for me right where I exited security and wrapped his arms around me. His family and sponsors had landed shortly before me so I took a deep breathe to gain some emotional strength and met them at baggage claim. I was happy they were here for Nick, but also I was selfishly happy they were here for the next few days to distract me from my pain and sadness.
