Cancer Pride and a "Passion For Life" {MIZZOU Magazine feature}

If you've been following my blog long enough or know me in real life, then you know I love to share my story about my journey with cancer.  I chronicle my struggles, in detail, in the hopes of touching someone else.  When I went through everything, I had no one to talk to; no one that could relate to me.  It's not often that a 21 year old gets cancer.  Since writing my stories here, I've connected with so many other individuals that have found comfort in knowing they aren't alone.  I've even connected with others who don't have cancer, but another disease or illness that has similar characteristics or provokes the same thoughts, feelings, and emotions.  It's a unique community.  It's my way of taking something awful, finding the positives, and moving forward.  This community, a community of cancer patients and survivors, is something I sometimes hate having to be a part of, but at the same time, I'm proud to be a member.

When I was approached about doing an interview about my cancer journey and my job, I was more than willing to do so; because of how proud I am.  I'm not one who is high on the self-esteem charts, but when it comes to my battle with cancer, how I've handled it, and moved forward, I am damn proud.

I also wanted to say yes because I am proud to be a cancer survivor, but in addition to that I wanted to say yes because it was MIZZOU Magazine and I'm damn proud to be a Tiger. I receive this magazine in the mail and check the website and never once thought I would be cool enough to be featured. It's a huge school with thousands and thousands and thousands of alumni and they choose me to feature. That's pretty damn awesome. 

MIZZOU Magazine, for those of you unfortunate souls who did not attend Mizzou (kidding, kidding.....sorry of.  Okay, no, not really) is our alumni magazine.  I was approached by a writer asking if I'd be willing to interview for a web-based story for their website.  Relay For Life of Mizzou is this weekend and they thought my story of how I came full circle would be a a great one to feature.
For those that don't know this story, here is condensed version:
I began Relaying in 2004 as a freshman at Mizzou.  I didn't know what Relay was, but my co-workers were doing it so I joined.  I also hadn't been truly touched by cancer so I didn't have a personal connection but still believed in the cause.
Fast forward to my third year of college and I was diagnosed with Leiomyosarcoma.  My friends and family created Melzie's Warriors and walked in my honor that year.
The following years I continued to participate in Relay For Life of Mizzou, volunteering on the committee to plan the event as well as being Team Captain for Melzie's Warriors.
In 2012, I was living in Florida and my husband and I only participated in the Survivor and Caregiver Lap and spent a few hours walking the track.  We just didn't know enough people to get a team together.
In October 2013, we moved to Jacksonville, FL where I found a position working with the American Cancer Society.  I applied, interviewed, and was hired as Relay For Life Specialist, working with four committees to organize and execute four Relay For Life events in two counties here.  

Enough blabbering, I'm really just here to show you the article :)  Click HERE for the article!!!

If you want more information about Relay For Life or how to get involved in your area, don't hesitate to contact me!!!!

Behind the Scenes of the Easter Puppies

WARNING:  If you don't care about cute puppies (and by puppies, I mean a 65 pound and 100 pound dog) then you won't care for this blog post.  It's pretty much nothing but photos of my Easter Puppies.

I love my dogs.  I also love to make them sit and pose for photos (aka "torture" if you ask them).  They don't really enjoy it, but they appease me...kind of.  For the most part, they cooperate by sitting where I ask them to sit and staying there.

Many of you ask me how I get such great photos of and with my dogs.  HA!!!  You're seeing the one decent (and I'm using the word loosely) quality photo out of the 300 I took.  Okay, so I don't really take 300.  I usually get fed up around photo 30 (the dogs are fed up after three and Nick is fed up after -4).  But in that 30, there will be maybe, MAYBE one decent one.  We attempt this with lots of "Sit.  Stay. Leave it."  If your dogs don't know those commands, it's going to be pretty hard.  Yadi and Vino are great at commands so this usually works.  The hard part is getting them to look at the camera since we're using a timer and there's no one to call their names.

But enough talk.  Why don't you come with me on a tour of our Easter photos.

Here are the only semi-decent photos we capture

 As you can see in the photo above, it's not perfect.  In the first photo, Nick is apparently strangling Yadi to get her to look at the camera.  In the second photo, I'm tugging on Vino's neck to get her to look up.

Again, these aren't the best.  Clearly Vino isn't even looking in the top one.  Then we attempted individual ones because it's a little easier when one of us is behind the camera but still not perfect.  Vino has her mouth hanging slightly open in the photo with me and Yadi looks like we flushed every ball she owns down the toilet.


How about the real behind the scenes?  This is what it truly looks like during our photo shoots.

 Vino REALLY likes the ears...in her mouth.  She kept jumping on us to try and get the ears out of our hands.  In this photo, Yadi swatted her ears off and ran away while Vino also removed her ears and then jumped at them in my hand.

 In the above photo, Vino is attempting to pull Yadi's ears off of her, because as I mentioned a few photos before, she loves those ears.

 And once again, Vino, eyeing those ears, devising a plan on how she's going to get them.

Yadi is usually looking at me, sniffing me, or trying to move closer to me...because she's up my ass obsessed with me.  It'd make sense to put Yadi next to me and Vino next to Nick, but he won't have that.  Yadi is his baby (even though she strongly prefers me and Vino prefers him) and therefore he always wants her by him.

 Go home, Vino.  You're drunk!

 Seriously, she looks like that college kid who had too much at the party and isn't aware of how friggin stupid she looks.  Realistically, I'm sure Vino wishes she were drunk.  She's definitely true to her name and loves wine all alcohol.  And I'm sure the alcohol would make her tolerate this situation better.

A mess.  Just an absolute mess.  And it's like this every stinkin holiday or random day I decide to attempt this.  My hopes are always that one day, it'll click.  They'll think "Okay, if I sit here nice and pretty and give this crazy human three good photos, I can go back to laying in my bed cleaning my asshole and chasing lizards."  (I'll give you one guess as to who the lizard chaser is and who the ass licker is).

Here's my advice on good "headband holiday" photos....
Wait until they're super tired and put the ears on them.  (In our case, we took them on a long hike).  At that point, they don't give a rat's ass what you do to them!  And they might even play along and pretend they're a real bunny rabbit, as Vino is doing below!

 Sorry Vino, this is not your best angle  

I know I'm biased but I just think she's the most gorgeous pup ever!!!

But be warned, it will end with a giant swat of the ears off the head  (Yadi was only good for about four photos.  Those ears were ruining her nap).

And the dogs inevitably eating the ears off each other's heads.

I know it could be much worse.  They could not sit or stay or leave it.  And the outtakes do give me a good little chuckle.

Crazy dog mama I am!  I have no shame in admitting that.  I mean, I don't have human children to dress up in adorable little Easter dresses or cute little Sunday best suits.  My holidays are boring without a little dress up fun.  That is, until I realized they make these fun headbands for every holiday!  The girls now have bunny ears, shamrock headbands, reindeer antlers, witch hat headbands, heart antennae headbands, and the list goes on!  Don't worry, I'm not spending much money.  I mean, Dollar Tree make me holla Honey Boo Boo!!!  (Sorry, I watch that show.  It's just so disgustingly amusing).  But for realz, hit up your neighborhood Dollar Tree.  I spend $2 total and it provides me lots of entertainment and laughs.  And now memories.  You know I'm all about the photos and memories!!!!

But if I'm being honest, these dogs, while we love them dearly and treat them as children most of the time, are here for our own amusement.  We mess them with and torture them and make them do things they hate us for.  Yet for some reason, they still love us.  And that's what great about dogs!!!!!! (One day I'll compile all the crazy things we do and make a blog post.)

Do any of you take holiday photos with your pups???

I'm sure my dogs are going to be over the moon once I have a baby to torture with ridiculous outfits.  *insert evil laugh*

Weekend Recap: Easter and Relaxation

This weekend was low key and perfect (for the most part...glass half full folks!)


Friday I had the day off so that morning I visited the doctor; to establish a primary doctor here in Jax, but also to get a few symptoms checked out.  The appointment didn't go very pleasantly, but I did really love this doctor!! To cure my blues, I headed to the mall. Now, I am not usually one for retail therapy. I feel guilty speaking money so I don't get much joy from it. Anyway, I scored some awesome deals so I didn't feel as guilty. I got six maxi skirts, 5 pairs of sandals, 1 pair of heels, and 1 pair of wedges. I also got a few tops and I finally found some jeans that fit well!!!!; tight in all the right places and plenty long. Huge win!!  (The best part?  Everything was under $150!)  

I picked up my new meds, went home, took them, and felt pretty crappy so I did nothing all night. Which is what my body needs these days.



Saturday was gloomy so we ran some errands (and I got to wear one of my new skirts) and then worked around the house.

Our pendant lights above the island are always in everyone's way when we entertain. Naturally, we congregate around the island to eat the food, but that means these damn lights are blocking each other's faces. We kept saying we're going to raise them and we finally did. And by we, I clearly me Nick. I just took pictures. And prayed he knew what he was doing when cutting those wires. He's still alive so it's safe to say he did know. We now have lights that won't interfere in conversations and they're still functioning!

(My model showing the various heights and demonstrating how they block your face.  The one on the right has clearly been raised already.  This is the "halfway" finished photo)

Nick also replaced a few outlets in our house (thankfully the ones behind our night stands) with these bad boys! 

At night, I find myself wanting to charge my phone and iPad, but also use my light. Without an extension cord or a bulky multi-plug adapter, I can't do that. Now I can!!!!!! Huge thanks to my ever handy husband!!
Lastly, we replaced ALL the light bulbs. Our house has the generic incandescent light bulbs with (expensive) day time energy efficient light bulbs. The recessed lighting, the vanities, the ceiling fans, overhead lights, pendant lights. They all got new bulbs. It's crazy how the color of the lights really changes the look of the house!! I love it!!!

That evening we went out to dinner with some friends. It left me feeling gross (a side effect of my medicine is nausea until my body has adjusted) so we headed home where I pretty much went straight to bed.


Easter Sunday we woke up and looked inside our Easter baskets. We don't go all out, but apparently that's the thing now. Did you know Easter is now a second Christmas? Or maybe it's always been this way and I was just deprived as were my friends and cousins.  
Anywhooo...we looked inside our baskets...

The Easter Hubby got me wine (seems to be his tradition), the movie Saving Mr. Banks (I've been asking for it since I saw it in theaters), and lots of caramel Cadbury Eggs. And by lots, I mean 50. He knows they're my favorite, but sadly I can only get them at Easter therefore he gets my stocked up.  Now to restrain myself and only consume one a week until spring!!!
Nick received candy, pistachios, a jigsaw puzzle (because he's a nerd like that), two water guns (because we're children and I thought a water gun fight would be fun), and a new purple Under Armour shirt. He is obsessed with these shirts, and he also complains he has nothing to wear to my Relay events. Now he doesn't have to wear the same purple RL polo over and over again.


After baskets, we went out to an early lunch, did a little shopping (am the only one who seems to run out of all their toiletries and makeup at the same time, making those trips so expensive?!)
Once we got home, we attempted some family photos with the pups.  Those never really produce great photos.  They dogs look pissed or sad, we are obviously forcing them into the photos against their will, and because we're busy trying to keep the dogs still and looking at the camera, one or both of us inevitably end up looking stupid.

(I swear, we are not that couple that color coordinate.  I wanted to wear my new skirt and this was the only shirt Nick had clean lol)

After the family photos, watched Mary Poppins, dyed eggs, and then ended the evening watching Saving Mr. Banks (Nick hadn't seen Mary Poppins in probably 10 years and he hasn't seen Saving Mr. Banks at all.)

Of course I had to torture my dogs a little bit more with the bunny ears for my own entertainment.
Vino played the part well!

"Look Ma!  Iz a weal bunny wabbit!"

As always, I missed my family.

Even though my cousins and I range in age from 20 to 32 years, Grandma still makes us Easter baskets and sends us on an Easter egg hunt. It's a tradition I love and greatly miss. I will never outgrow those fun family traditions. I'm thankful for such an amazing family to miss but dammit!, it's hard!!
I wish I had been home to visit Grandpa.  I'm happy my brother sent this to me, but seeing his name on a tombstone still takes my breath away and makes me sick to my stomach.  

What's really hard is seeing this photo:

Grandma with her grandkids. I hate that I'm not in the photo. Now that Grandpa is gone, I can't help but wonder how much longer we have with her. I now realize we aren't invincible and her time with us is limited. I want to be there, making memories, and capturing photos like this to preserve those memories. I can think of Christmas photos with my grandparents just two Christmases ago. Its a photo of grandpa, grandma, and us grandkids...minus my brother because he was at his in-laws. There's another with Grandpa and his "boys", with Ben also missing. Thankfully we had another Christmas for Ben to partake in these photos, but what if that was the last?? Those are the thoughts I have. Morbid, but honest. I always hurt when my family is together, because they're the bombdiggity, but also because I don't know if it could be the last {insert holiday/family function} with Grandma.  Thankfully we have technology so I'm able to "see" and talk to them whenever I want.  It helps but it's just not the same as actually being there :(


I don't want to end on a depressing note, so I'll say that despite my homesickness, all in all, it was a good day.   I'm gearing up for a very rough two weeks so a chill day was much needed.  But it's just two weeks.  I can do it.  .....I think.

My Mind & Body Are Against Me

I don't feel like writing an intro so I'm just going to jump right into my thoughts:

I need to suck it up and get a primary doctor here.
I always lie to myself and say I don't need a primary doctor.  'I go home every Christmas to see my oncologist and gyno.  I go home every summer to see my primary, gastrointestinal, and thoracic surgeon.  That's enough.  I mean, most people go once a year.  So I'm seeing a doctor 5 times a year.  If anything happens, there's always Urgent Care.'

These are the lies I tell myself.  The fact of the matter is, I get sick.  Frequently.  And it's not always when I'm scheduled to go home.  Cancer has given me a very weak immune system.  I live a very healthy lifestyle, but it doesn't matter.  Such is the life of a cancer patient.  I was warned this would most likely be my fate, but I was confident I could be the rarity.  *hangs head*
I know that it's imperative I establish a doctor that can get to know me, my medical history, and get me in when I really need them.  I just hate admitting that my immune system sucks so badly.

Right now, I need a doctor.  Badly.  My job leaves me stressed out; more stressed than I've ever been in my life.  The stress is taking a massive toll on my body.  In so many ways.
I'm not sleeping.  It takes me hours to fall asleep, and when I finally do, it's never a deep sleep.  I'm always stressing about what the next day will bring.  It doesn't matter how detailed I make my to do list before leaving work.  The nature of my job is that something, many things, will unexpectedly arise the next day.  My to do list will multiply by 30.  I don't operate well that way.  I'm very, very Type A and suffer from OCD.  I have a routine and a system.  When it's disturbed, or others don't operate the same as I do, it affects me.  I lay in bed at night and my fear of the next day, the unknowns, the unexpecteds take over.
Some days I have zero appetite.  Other days I can't stop eating.  (But I choose healthy options on those days)
My anxiety is taking too much control.  I never know if I'm nauseous from anxiety or if I'm coming down with a real illness (as was the case this weekend.  Friday I was feeling under the weather, but assumed it was my normal anxiety.  I was very wrong.  I woke up Saturday with a fever of 101.6, chills, body aches, headache, and couldn't keep anything down.  Thankfully I got some great sleep all day Saturday.)  I'm completely out of Xanax and the only way to get more is to see a doctor.
My acid reflux is so bad, which is to be expected when you're experiencing large amounts of stress and anxiety.  It's becoming too much to handle.  My medicine did an okay job before this, but now?  There's not much that is helping it.
I'm working long days, and now, I'm in Relay season.  Which means I'm staying up for over 24 hours straight with set up, Relay, and tear down.  My first Relay weekend, it rained from 8pm until about 3am, and I was outside for it all.  I knew I would get sick.  And I did.  I didn't have time for that, which only left me more stressed and anxious.
I've had a headache for almost three weeks straight.  Tylenol does nothing.  Ibuprofen does nothing.  Aleve, for some odd reason, makes my acid reflux so much worse.  Midol eased it a little, but not much.
My cycle is completely messed up.  TMI but it's the truth.

I need Xanax.  I need sleep.  I need to learn to relax and rest and not always feel like I need to be doing something.  I need stress management.  I've been reading up a lot on it and I'm doing what it says but goodness, it's just not working!  I need to workout more.  I squeeze it in when I can, but lately, that's either 5-6am or 10pm.  And quite frankly, I can't get myself up that early after such exhausting days.  The days I do get up that early, I'm not left feeling energized.  It's as if I took my only energy and exhausted it on the morning workout and I'm dragging all day.  I try at night, but my workouts are half-assed because I'm so tired.

I know things will be better come the beginning of May.  My work schedule will drastically slow down, to only 40 hours a week.  My stress will decrease by about a billion, I will hopefully sleep better, and I can workout, real workouts, at least 5 days a week.
I think I can.  I think I can.  I think I can.  That's what I keep repeating.  Realistically, it's only 20 more days.  I know I can do it.  But the days are passing slowly and my body is suffering.

So here's my question, what do you do for stress management?  I know I haven't listed all that I do, but in a nutshell, off the top of my head, I:
- make prioritized to do lists each day before leaving work
- I am highly organized
- I tackle my most dreaded, difficult, etc task first so that it's out of the way and I don't stress about it all day
- I eat healthy
- I drink lots of water and occasionally green tea
- I don't check my email once home (which is really hard but it helps)
- I have partnership agreements outlining my roles and my volunteers' roles, means of contact and hours, etc.
- put down the phone, laptop, and tv about two hours before bedtime.  I either read, journal, or lay there.
- I work out as often as I can, when my body can handle it.  Sometimes it's only a 15 minute run or a quick 20 minute at home workout. (nothing is better than something in my opinion.)
- I don't do sleeping pills because while they knock me out quickly, I'm awake just three hours later, very anxious, pacing my house.  (I've tried Ambien, Xanax, Ativan, Melatonin, and one other natural supplement I can't remember..and I'm too lazy to look in my cabinet and see what it is).
-  Sleepy time tea helps, however, it only knocks me out but doesn't keep me sleeping.  Although, it doesn't leave my anxious like the sleeping pills.

The mindset of "just don't stress about things you can't control" or "don't let it bother you"  or other various don't work for me.  I'm Type A.  I worry.  I'm a perfectionist.  These are not thoughts that are just that easy for me to do.  Not to say I can't change my ways of thinking, but that will take a lot of work and time, and it's certainly not going to happen during such a stressful time in my job.  So without THAT suggestion of just changing out I think and operate, what do you do if you suffer from some of these same issues???

Weekend Recap (a week late): Mom, Grandma, & In-Law Visit!!

I’m so bad about posting timely weekend recaps.  But there was no way I wanted to skip out on recapping my weekend with Mom and Grandma so here you go, over a week late.  I had been looking forward to them coming for a very, very long time.  It wasn’t the most ideal time with having two Relay For Life events the next weekend, but I’d sacrifice anything for them! 

The reason for their trip was really for my sister’s fiancé, Kyle.  He was graduating from flight school on Thursday with Family Day on Wednesday.  So they came in the weekend before and spent three days with us before heading to Alabama.

We started the weekend out at Relay For Life of UNF.  Another Specialist (which is my title) was in charge of that Relay and their Survivor Speaker during the Opening Ceremonies backed out.  So Nick and I headed out there Friday night, I spoke at the event, walked the Survivor Lap, visited and walked a few laps with Nicholas.  Then we headed to the airport to get Mom and Grandma.

We spent the weekend eating delicious food (it was nice to have people around that love brunch!!!...which isn't complete without mimosas!)

touring base: Nick showing Mom and Grandma his "office"

hanging out on the beach on base,

(I made Mom put her hand on her hip lol.)

(Nick snapped these and said "It's three generations walking into the sunset!")

 sitting at our pool,

and walking around the town in the evening and hanging out at home (watching Cardinal games of course)

 ^ These shrimp and lobster tacos were AH-MAZING!

 (Mom, I promise one day you'll have human grandkids to cuddle with.  For now, Vino will have to do.)

And of course, we indulged in delicious drinks at every place we visited.

Nick’s uncle and aunt were leaving out of Jax port for a cruise so they flew in Sunday and spent the day with us as well!  We went to a late lunch then lounged on the beach for the day (it was a little to chilly for bathing suits)

My IWYP shirt arrived and "The Good Life" is a life full of love of family and the beach so it was only appropriate to wear it on this day ;)

Afterwards, we went back to the house, had some drinks, shared many stories and lots of laughs.  It was nice having a house full of family.  Our families mesh well and it's as if we've always been one giant family.  To say we're blessed is an understatement.

This relaxing weekend with family is exactly what I had needed before the incredibly stressful week I had.  I wish it hadn't gone by so quickly :(  Despite that, I am very thankful for time with family.  Living here in Florida, we don't get family time as much as I'd like so I'm thankful for any visit, even if it's only a few days.  Thankfully, I have a trip planned home this summer (I have to go home for cancer-related doctor appointments and surgery).  

Those of you who live far from home and are obnoxiously close with your family, how do you cope?  I'm in the post-family time depression right now.  I know it's just a part of military life but that doesn't mean I have to like it!  I have my own ways of coping, but I love hearing how others cope with their homesickness.