In this post, I mentioned that I'm dealing with an emotionally and physically difficult situation, that is not necessarily pregnancy related. It's cancer related.
It seems that my life just cannot go smoothly. It seems that cancer is always rearing it's ugly head in some way. Thankfully, it's never been in a relapse, but in relapse scares or complications.
Currently, I'm going through another possible cancer scare. I will backtrack and give you details.
Around five and a half weeks pregnant, I experienced severe cramping (but no bleeding). I was doubled over in pain, sobbing. This occurred over the weekend so on the morning of Monday, September 29th, I called my OB. They suggested I come in to see if I was having a miscarriage. My heart was broken. I called Nick and he said he could meet me late that afternoon for our appointment.
We arrived, I gave a urine specimen, and were taken back for an ultrasound. She very quickly located a gestational sac. Being only five weeks along, that was all she could see. It was far too early to see much more than that but she said that everything looked as it should for how far along I was in the pregnancy. She continued to look around and then I was sent back to my exam room. I felt much better to know it did not appear I was experiencing a miscarriage.
In the exam room, Dr. F told me that she thinks my cramping is due to constipation. At first, I didn't believe her. I've been constipated before (my entire digestive system has complications due to the surgery from my cancer so it's common) and I've never experienced this cramping. She explained that it's a common symptom of pregnancy and can cause severe cramping. She even said some OBs who
know this can happen experience the cramping and take themselves to the ER to find out it's just constipation. As I thought about it, I realized she might be right. (TMI alert) I'm typically a twice a day pooper and I hadn't gone in about two days. I never thought out it though. To me, constipation has always been feeling like you have to go but not being able to. Apparently pregnancy constipation is not even feeling like you have to go to the bathroom!! She suggested I go home, take some stool softeners, and drink a glass of Miralax. (I did and it worked! I added in a lot more fiber to my diet to keep the cramps at bay and it's worked!)
What happened next I wasn't expecting. She then told me that the pregnancy looked normal for 5 weeks, but there was another concern. During the ultrasound, they found a 2cm mass, with blood flow to it and around it, in my left adnexa. This is the area outside of the uterus, to the left. A mass? A 2cm mass? My heart sunk. I asked what it was. Dr. F explained that there is no way to determine what it is at this point. It could be anything: swollen lymph node, cyst, tumor, etc. She suggested I come back in a week to see if the mass has changed. There really was nothing we could do.
The moment we got in the car, I lost it. I cried so hard. As a cancer survivor, that is where my mind goes. The last time I had a mysterious mass, it was Leiomyosarcoma. How could this be happening again? Nick tried his best to calm me. He was confident all would be okay.
The next week seemed to drag on, but we finally made it to my next appointment on Thursday, October 9th. Thank goodness Nick was able to go with me again to this appointment. I gave another urine specimen and then went back for the ultrasound. We first looked at the baby. This time, we could see the gestational sac, the yolk sac, and the fetal pole. We could also see the baby's tiny heart beating!!! It was amazing and just a comfort to know our little baby is alive, growing, and doing well! She printed out a few pictures for us and then took to looking for the mass. It was still there and still had blood flow. Every bit of excitement was knocked out of me.
I dressed and went to the exam room to await Dr. F. She came in and informed us the mass is still there, but hasn't grown (and also hasn't shrunk). It has a little less blood flow but it's still there. We are still in the dark. "If you weren't pregnant, I'd get a CT scan and get it taken out immediately. But we can't do that now. We can't operate or do testing." I asked her if it looked like a tumor and she said she understands that's where my mind is going to go and she doesn't blame me, but that she can't say because she doesn't know. On a sonogram, everything is just shadows. She then said she would refer me to ROC (Regional Obstetrics Consultants), which are the high risk doctors and I would remain under their care as well due to my history with cancer.
She then something that hit me hard, "Depending on what this is, we might have a very difficult conversation to have." I knew what she meant, as I'm sure you can guess. But I knew in that moment what my decision would be. I'd obviously discuss it with Nick, but my decision would be to keep this baby alive and healthy. If it were cancer, we'd let it grow and treat it whenever we could. Only time would tell what needed to happen.
I left the appointment to go back to work but ended up going home to work from home. I couldn't stand to be in the office, around people, not able to tell them exactly what was going on. I went home. And cried. Long and hard. Here is a little blurb I wrote in my journal that afternoon:
I couldn't escape the thoughts and anxiety. For years, I've prayed God would bless me with a child. A biological child with Nicholas. My prayers were finally answered and I could not have been overjoyed. 'For once in my life, things are going my way in regards to my health. I am pregnant.' I felt great knowing for once, my body wasn't failing me. And now this. A mass. Why? Why can things not just go well for me? Why is everything littered with medical complications? What have I done to deserve this? Can this baby continue to grow and be healthy if I have cancer growing inside of me?
How can I keep myself healthy and positive when my body is attempting to fight cancer, with no assistance from modern medicine? How can I keep this baby healthly when my body is attacking itself? I hate this. I hate that my poor husband has married a woman with so much baggage. A woman who has finally given him a child, but is followed around by a black cloud and an unknown.
I feel like my health is a mountain I am constantly climbing, without ever reaching the top. When I found out I was pregnant, I felt like I had finally reached the top. I finally felt great about my body and my health. Then I'm told I have a mass. I felt like I was knocked down to the very bottom. It stole my joy. I was still so excited to be pregnant, but every time I thought about my baby, I thought about the 2cm mass growing right next to it, just outside of my uterus. I couldn't just forget about the mass.
For the next week, I focused all my energy on this baby (what little energy I had). I did my best to stay active. I did my best to drink lots of water and eat healthy. I did my best to stay positive and not let the mass consume my mind. I prayed. Hard. I pleaded with God. I had no one else to talk to other than Nick, because it was still far too early to make the pregnancy public. Which made me feel very alone.
I ended up telling those at work about the mass, but leaving out the part about being pregnant. I had to give a reason why I was down and distracted as well as why I've taken off work once a week for the doctor. Many women I work with offered stories of someone they knew that had a cyst, lymph node and fibroid tumors and all ended up being okay. Fibroid tumors seemed to be the most common one people had experience with. I went home and decided to look up fibroid tumors. I didn't know anything about them so I was curious how they were treated. Were they left alone? Were they removed? Do they become painful? And then I read this:
Cue freak out. I had no idea fibroid tumors could be leiomyosarcoma (LMS). Everyone told me fibroid tumors are benign. Which is the case for most. The "less than 1%" would probably ease most people's minds. But not mine. The odds of getting LMS is less than 1% and here I am, an LMS survivor. Clearly odds aren't my forte. So I laid there, in bed, crying and praying so hard that it wouldn't be LMS.
The next day, I had to call my GI doctor and medical oncologist back home to get my last visits' records. With both doctors' nurses, I just started bawling. Thankfully they know me well, and talked to me for quite a while. My GI surgeon's nurse eased my mind because I thought I had had a chest and abdominal CT scan but I actually had an abdominal and pelvic CT scan and it was clear. At the end of July, there was no evidence of disease, no tumors, on my scan. That was just 2 months ago so that helped my mind a little. My medical oncologist's nurse is beyond amazing and talked to me for about 40 minutes. She told me the odds of relapsing in or near my uterus is incredibly rare; that if I did relapse, it'd most likely be in my lungs. Which I knew, but it was good to hear relapsing in or near my uterus is very, very unlikely. Both nurses eased my mind, but my medical oncologist's nurse helped the most. She understood why I wasn't tell my mom yet (she knows her just as well as she knows me and knows telling her would freak her out and she'd hop on a plane and come to me. And I couldn't tell her about the mass without telling her I'm pregnant because she'd press the issue of why they weren't doing further tests.) She told me I could call her anytime I wanted to talk and she wanted me to keep her updated.
One week later, Thursday, October 16th, I went to ROC to see the high risk specialists at seven and a half weeks pregnant. They again did the ultrasound and we saw the baby, moving a little bit and we even got to hear the heartbeat! It was the most beautiful sound I have ever hear!!! The baby was measuring exactly 7 weeks and 5 days and the heart rate was perfect! She looked all over and couldn't find the mass they were talking about. PRAISE THE LORD! I wanted to cry from happiness!!! The doctor then came in, took a look around himself, and also said he couldn't see any mass. I cannot tell you a time I've been happier!!!!!!! My baby and I will be okay!!! (Although, I wasn't a big fan of this doctor. He didn't even review my chart before coming into my room. I knew I'd be requesting a different doctor next time).
This doctor then told me that I will continue to be under their care. Due to my cancer treatments and my surgery, I am considered high risk. Sometimes, cancer patients that have had treatment can have issues with nutrition and with the placenta (where the baby gets their nutrients). Additionally, with all cancer survivors, they are worried about relapse and want to keep a close eye on things. Due to my surgery, I already have some slight digestion issues so they need to monitor me even more closely for issues with the baby getting proper nutrition. As of now, I will visit the high risk doctors every 4 weeks, and it will become more frequent as my pregnancy progresses or if they see an issue.
After leaving, I made my appointment for another 4 weeks from then, which was last Thursday, November 20th. I went into that appointment feeling great and happy. I was twelve and a half weeks along and they wanted to do all the measurements as well as the blood test to check for chromosomal issues and genetic disorders. I will go into more details about the appointment as far as baby is concerned but all was good! The high risk doctor came in and I really, really liked him so I'll be requesting him from here on out. He took a look at the baby, confirmed all looked great, and then began looking at the mass. They found it again. Cue panic. The mass is still 2cm, still has blood flow. But he is fairly certain it's an ovary. He said the fact that it is almost perfectly round and very smooth is not indicative of a tumor. He does understand my concern, but feels confident it's an ovary. Another reason he feels it's the ovary is as the uterus is growing and moving, this mass seems to be moving with it, as an ovary would. He said that obviously he cannot give us a 100% clear answer, especially with a ultrasound because it's not that invasive. His recommendation is to come back in four weeks for my next appointment, request him and the same sonographer, and see if we notice any changes. If they still aren't 100% certain what the mass is, they might send me for an MRI. While they don't like to do those types of tests when you're pregnant, some times they feel it's necessary and I'll be at a much safer point at 18 weeks pregnant. So we shall see then. And it might come down to surgery. He assured me that it's safe to do an MRI and even surgery at that point. As always, there are risks involved with anything, but leaving something toxic in your body is a huge risk too.
So that's a bridge we'll cross when and if we get there.
For the most part, I feel okay. Some days, if I think about it too much, I get anxious. "What if it's not an ovary?" But I just replay the doctors confident words and try to think about how cute our squirming baby looked at that appointment. So yes, I'm worried and anxious, but not as bad as I have been. 90% of the time, I don't even think about it. I focus on this baby, my husband, my friends, family, and my job. I'm sure as my next appointment draws near, my anxiety will increase but I'll deal with that then.
So that's what's been going on. As I said, I felt I needed to give the story because it'd be hard to go through this pregnancy not mentioning why I'm high risk or being honest about my emotions when I have this mysterious mass looming over my head. Also, I wanted to share it to ask for prayers. Please, please, please pray that this is an ovary or something else not harmful or dangerous to me or the baby and certainly not cancer!!!
I'm thankful, so thankful that it's look like a scare and not the real deal. But I'll feel much better once I know for sure!!
Thank you in advance for the prayers!!!!!
