Julius' Winging

Thursday evening we headed up to Meridian to help Julius celebrate one of the biggest accomplishments of his life...receiving his wings of gold.

After the Memorial Service on Friday morning, we headed over to the hangar with Julius and his family.  We watched as Julius and the other wingees in his squadron were recognized for their hard work and given certificates for their various accomplishments.

Afterwards we took some photos by the T-45, the jet Julius' just trained on.

Nick checking out Julius' plane

Following this small informal ceremony, we headed back to the Chapel for Julius and the others guys' winging ceremony.  Each wingee was called forward, a loved one pinned their wings on, a family photo was taken, and that was it!  Short and sweet!

The world's newest aviators

I am not ashamed to admit that I teared up.  This is a huge accomplishment.  It's said that it's their second most important and most memorable life event (coming in after their weddings).  If you know someone in the aviation community, then you know just how hard these guys have worked to achieve this.  Those wings of gold are a symbol of the hard work, dedication, and sacrifice that they've made for years.  Those wings now signify they are true United States Aviators.
I could not be more proud of Julius and I am so happy I was able to be in attendance.

That evening, we all headed to their winging party and continued the celebration.  We had a lot of fun and it was great to see so many other people whom we hadn't seen since the USNA days or since some moved on from Pensacola.  And as always, it was great to spend even more time with Julius and his family.

Mr. and Mrs. Bratton

Julius' niece, best hometown friend, and sister

With the newest wingee, Julius 'Baby Cakes" Bratton

The next day, Saturday, we needed to head back to Pensacola for Nick to study and prepare for his flights the next day.  We ventured over to Julius' house then headed to his family's hotel to say goodbye.  I am quite proud of myself because I held my tears in.  This is probably the last time we will see Julius for a while.  He reports to Lemoore, California to fly the F-18 Super Hornet (his first choice of aircraft) in just three weeks.  It's hard to imagine that after seven years, we're finally parting ways.  For the past seven years, he's always been there.  The first four years I talked to him everyday and "saw" him frequently.  These past two years we have been so fortunate to have him so close (just 3.5 hours).  We saw him so often that we were pretty spoiled, (as far as military friends go), in our friendship.  But now it was time for the "see ya later."  I know we'll see him again.  I'm told it's a small Navy and our paths will cross again.  They better, that's all I have to say!  No matter if our paths cross or not, we won't lose this friendship we have, because our bond is closer than that.  Julius is family to us.

Julius started out as Nick's roommate during plebe summer and they quickly became best friends and then brothers.  Julius has very much so been a huge part of my life the past seven years.  All four years at the Academy, I could not have a conversation without Julius' mouth running in the background.  At times when I'd call the room, Nick wouldn't be in there yet Julius and I would talk for quite a while.  Any time Nick and I video-chatted, Julius' big ol' head was right there next to Nick's.  He was always the third wheel, voluntarily, on our video dates.  But I have no complaints about that.  Because of Nick and Julius' closeness, Julius quickly became a close friend to me.  There were many times I sought his advice or input on a situation.  In a very short time, Julius became the little brother that God and my parents never gave me.  He's much more than a friend to Nick and I.  He goes far beyond what a friend is and we feel blessed to have him in our lives.  He truly is family.

Likewise, his family has become family to us.  Not only are we blessed to have Julius as a brother, but he has an amazing family who considers us family.  We met his family during Commissioning Week (May 2011) and had an absolute blast with them.  Christmas leave 2011, on our way through Tennessee back down south to Florida, we stopped by the Bratton Farm.  They welcomed us (and our crazy pups) in their home, fed us dinner (and me margaritas) and let us relax for a bit.  Now here we are a year and a half later, reunited and things haven't changed.  Mr. Bratton refers to Nick and I as Julius' siblings and insisted on us being in the family photos.  It was hard saying goodbye to them because it will be much more difficult for our paths to cross but hopefully we see them soon.  I received a message from Julius' father just one day later asking me to keep him updated on Nick's winging because he'd love to come to it.  And we most definitely would love for him to join us!  Especially since Julius won't be able to attend :(

Overall, it was a great weekend spent with family, celebrating such a huge milestone in Julius' life.  I might give him a hard time most of the time (that's what big sisters do, right?) but I love that kid to death and don't know what I'd do without him.  He's played a huge role in our relationship, in my life, and most certainly in Nick's life.  I could not have picked a better best friend for Nick and I am so happy they were thrown together in a room plebe summer.  He's truly been a blessing in our lives and we are thankful we get to call him a best friend and brother.

Congratulations Julius.  I know you don't need it, but best of luck in Lemoore.  Be smart and stay safe.  Thank you for everything these past seven years.  It's hard to watch you go so far away, but we know our paths will cross again.  Just as you do now, you will always have a room at our house.  We love you.

Fair winds and following seas dear brother.

Memorial Service

Friday morning Nick and I attended the memorial service at the NAS Meridian Chapel for Patrick Drury and Kyle McArthur, both classmates of Nick's from the Naval Academy.
{The two guys were jet pilots stationed at NAS Meridian and were killed in a car accident early on Father's Day, Sunday June 16, 2013.}

The Chapel was packed with friends and family who came to honor these two men, celebrate their lives, and pay their respects.
Up front in the chapel stood their USNA class photos along with their helmets.  I didn't know these two men but it was difficult for even me to look at it.  Just so heartbreaking.

It was an emotional morning.  It was the first time I have ever seen Nick cry, which was actually really hard for me.  I felt awful because I didn't know what to do but at the same time, there's nothing I could do.  Nothing I or anyone did would erase the sadness of losing a friend or classmate.  He would reach over and grab my leg, pretty hard.  I'd look over and see tears welling up in his eyes.  I'd then grab his hand and he'd hold it so hard that I thought it was going to break. It just broke my heart to see him and so many other men crying and hurting over the loss of Pat and Kyle.

The service was beautiful, funny, and sad.  A whirlwind of emotions for sure.

Pat and Kyle had so many friends.  Both of their three roommates spoke about them and a few other friends, Julius included, also told stories, most of which had everyone laughing.
Listening to these stories, it made me sad that I didn't know them.  They seemed like amazing guys and I felt like I was missing out.  I'm sure others in attendance who never had that pleasure felt the same way I did. They were the type who lived their lives for others, never taking a moment for granted, and simply enjoying life.  Even without the stories, it was obvious how amazing they were by the attendance of the service; by the number of people who drove or flew in to attend the service.
Pat and Kyle's families also spoke which only reiterated how amazing they were; how loved they were by their family.  It's just so sad to know they were taken from everyone who loved them so deeply.

Towards the end of the ceremony, both Pat and Kyle were designated as Naval Aviators and their parents were presented with their wings of gold.  It was such a touching moment.  After the wings were presented, a man spoke (there were a few, and I don't remember if it was their CO or perhaps the Commodore) and he said that Pat and Kyle are now flying up in the sky with their wings of gold.  So when their classmates are up there flying in their aircrafts, Pat and Kyle will be amongst them, soaring through the sky, watching over them and protecting them.  There was not a dry eye in the chapel at this moment.  I truly believe this and it's a comforting thought to know Nick and the other aviators have aviator angels watching over them.


Later in the evening, after the winging ceremony had occurred that afternoon, Pat and Kyle were also honored at the winging party.  Their photos, helmets, flowers, and their drink of choice were displayed on a table.  Throughout the night, their friends and family visited the table, toasting and clinking glasses with Pat and Kyle.  It was such a bittersweet and overwhelming sight.  But from what everyone says, these two loved to party and have a good time.  They would have wanted the newest wingees to party hard and celebrate their big accomplishment.  And they did, all while celebrating with Pat and Kyle in their hearts.

Please keep Pat and Kyle's family and friends in your thoughts and prayers as they accept, grieve, and find peace in the passing of their loved ones.  They were amazing men and they surely will not be forgotten.

Rest in Peace Patrick and Kyle.  May Angels lead you in.

Grandpa Update: Recovering Like a Boss!

A lot has happened since my last update and I apologize.  Life here in Florida has been busy!!!

If you missed any previous updates, you can find them on the blog to get you up to speed.

When I left Grandpa, (my last update), he was still in the ICU.  He still had his tracheal tube and therefore was not able to talk.  He was beyond frustrated with not being able to convey his thoughts, wants, and even jokes to everyone.  It was hard seeing him get so frustrated because it's a sight we rarely saw.
He had four drains, two in his neck and two in his chest.
He had an NG tube (for feeding) that went in his nose, down the esophagus, into the stomach and then into the small intestine.  This was another huge cause of frustration for him and he wanted it out.  Badly.  He loathed this tube.
He was not able to get up and move around.  The nurses would help move him from his bed to a chair throughout the day but that's all he was allowed.  This also frustrated him. He wanted to get up and be mobile.  He wanted to use a normal restroom instead of using a urinal at his bed or chair.
Despite all of this, he was healing and recovering so well!  The doctor has been so impressed with how well he's doing.  The nurses and staff are always so amazed to learn that he's 83 years old.  They all tell him and our family how they wish they are like him when they're that old.  (One nurse even said he wishes he was like Grandpa now! lol).
Grandpa is also such a badass that he's not on any pain medications!!!!  He hasn't been since the day after surgery.  Clearly, he's not human.  I mean, he was cut from behind his ear, down his neck, down his chest, a little onto his shoulder, and then the cut down his neck also continued under the jaw and chin, up the middle of the chin and into the middle of his bottom lip.  His lower left jaw was completely removed!  His palette was removed and replaced with a flap of chest tissue.  His shoulder, neck muscles, and chest were dug into.  How on earth he is not on pain meds and giving a "Eh...four?" on the pain scale?!  There are even times where he says his pain is a 0!!!!!!  THIS is the reason Grandpa is going to kick some major ass.  He's seriously the strongest person I know!!!!

My last update was Sunday the 9th.  Just two days later, Tuesday the 11th, it was mine and Nick's anniversary.  My phone began ringing and it was my Aunt Janet.  I answered and then heard, in a very raspy, semi-mumbled voice "Hello Melanie!".  IT WAS GRANDPA!!!!!!!!!  They had capped off his trach so that he can talk!!!!!  It was the best anniversary gift!!!  Of course I started crying (happy tears) and I immediately felt so much better about being back in Florida.  That's what I needed to hear.  Janet then told me that he has been moved to TCU (a step-down ICU) and has had two of his drains removed (leaving two still in.)  She also told me that occupational therapy had been in and had Grandpa put his socks on and off as well as doing some arm exercises.  Then Physical Therapy was in, starting with leg exercises, then walking up and down the halls.  The therapist had to tell Grandpa to slow down!!!  There is just no stopping this man!!!!

The very next day, Wednesday the 12th, OT came in and again did some arms exercises.  Then they had Grandpa change his pants into shorts, per his request.  After this, OT decided Grandpa is a badass and no longer needs them anymore.  He's too independent to need their help so that's finished.  Go Grandpa!  Physical therapy came in and took their turn again, first with leg exercises then with walking the halls.  This time, Grandpa walked the halls without his walker!  He's such a BAMF.

The main concern with today is that Grandpa is now able to talk and it's time for the doctor to tell him about surgery.  I know I have been vague about some of this, particularly Grandpa's surgery, diagnosis, and prognosis.  The main reason being that Grandpa did not know all of the information.  We thought it would be best to wait to tell him until he could talk and ask questions without the frustration of writing things down.

So here it is....

Grandpa's cancer was much more advanced than we thought.  The doctor said he hadn't ever seen it as extensive as Grandpa's was.  Going into surgery, we knew he had stage IV squamous cell carincoma and there was a tumor in his jaw and that it had metastasized to his lymph nodes.  When Dr. Boyd got in there, he saw that the cancer was around his voice box, his carotid artery, growing into the shoulder, and very, very deep into the neck muscles.  He was able to remove 98% of it but was not able to get it all from his neck muscles for fear of it compromising the use of his chest, diaphragm, and arm.  It had just grown way to deep, so he had to leave about 2% in Grandpa's neck muscle.  Despite the changes in how extensive it was, post-surgery was still the same as we had originally thought.  He will recover from surgery and then undergo a very rigorous and debilitating radiation regiment, followed by chemotherapy (which will seem like a walk in the park compared to radiation).

Now back to the updates....with Grandpa talking, we knew it was time for him to hear this all.  We weren't sure how he'd take it.  Dr. Boyd said he'd tell Grandpa himself so that he could get all the facts straight and answer any questions he had.  But the most amazing thing is that when we were told about everything immediately following surgery, Dr. Boyd seemed very grim.  He painted a very depressing picture for us all.  (Now you may see where my depressed posts came from.)  But now, after seeing how amazing Grandpa is recovering, seeing how incredibly strong he is, how well he bounces back, the fight in him, and his optimistic view, Dr. Boyd's attitude has done a 180!  He's now so optimistic and very confident Grandpa will beat this cancer!  Which was so incredibly refreshing to hear.  It makes us all feel a million times better to now know the doctor has 100% confidence in Grandpa's ability to fight this.  He told Grandpa that while he had to leave 2% in there, it's definitely curable.  And we ALL know, his family, friends, and doctor included, he can beat this!

The next day, last Thursday, the 13th, Dr. Boyd told Grandpa everything.  Grandpa didn't even bat at eye.  He took it all so well!  Granted, the doctor was so much more optimistic and encouraging than he was with us, but that's because now he truly believes this is curable for him.
Grandpa really didn't have any questions.  He was just his strong, optimistic, "let's get this done!" self.  Which is why I love him and I now know he's going to be okay.
This day he also had one more drain removed and his trach removed!!!!!!  He feels so much better being able to talk now.  His voice is raspy and a little mumbly, since he's missing that lower left jaw but with speech therapy, it should improve greatly.  As the trach hole closes up (they don't stitch it; it's just a giant gaping hole in his neck) the raspy-ness will decrease.  He also had all of the staples (from behind his ear, down his neck, under his chin, down his chest, and shoulder) removed!!!!!

Early Friday morning, they moved Grandpa to a normal room on a regular floor!  At first he was in a tiny room but they moved him to a much larger room (probably a good idea with how large our family is).  They were even so kind as to put another bed in there for Grandma to take naps in or if she ever wants to stay overnight.  (The staff at Mercy has been awesome...minus a few nurses in TCU one night but we won't get into that).  They checked his blood counts and his white blood count is elevated, but we were told this was normal considering the drains and the trach has been removed.
They had hoped to get Grandpa home this past weekend but this day, Friday, the said it wouldn't happen.  Grandpa still had one drain in and was draining a pretty decent amount still.  That is not a huge concern but they don't want to remove it with it draining that much.  The doctor said he could go in and stop it, but its more trouble than it's worth and they like for it to stop on it's own.
We were hoping he'd be home for Father's Day but unfortunately that can't happen.  It stinks but we'd rather him be in the best shape possible when he does go home so we're okay with this.
I did get to talk to Grandpa this day though!!!  It wasn't but a 2 minute conversation but that's better than nothing!  It's a little difficult to understand him but I was able to get all of it with only asking him to repeat himself twice.  It just warms my heart to hear him say "I love you" to me and to hear he's feeling great and ready to fight this!

Over this past weekend, things progressed slowly but well.  He still has his feeding tube in and one drain.  Other than that, no major progress.  He's walking the halls like a boss and just waiting to begin trying to eat food and get this drain out.  Those are really our only hangups at this point.
Today Nick and I were able to FaceTime with him for Father's Day.  He looks so good!!!  His swelling has decreased so much since I saw him and you can tell his jaw is different but it doesn't look as bad as I thought it would for having no jaw on that side.  Apparently, when Dr. Boyd took chest tissue to rebuild his palette, he took a little more to add some extra "padding", if you will, to his cheek to fill it out a little more to make it less noticeable.  (Simply a cosmetic move.)  But he looked great and sounded great!  He's learning to enunciate better so we had absolutely no issues understanding every word he said.   He's still raspy but if he holds his hand/fingers over the bandage covering his trach hole wound, it helps.


If you read my previous posts, you know being back here in Florida was so difficult for me.  I was a depressed mess.  I didn't want to be here and I cried all day long. But after Tuesday, my spirits were lifted.  I was optimistic.  Hearing him talk, knowing he's progressing and recovering so well just gives me that optimistic attitude I need.  He's proven how incredibly strong he is and I know he'll beat this.  He's even changed the doctors view point!  Everyone knows Grandpa is going to come out of this a survivor!!!!  And now you all know where I got my incredible strength and optimistic attitude in life from...my amazing Grandpa!!!


I ask that you will keep him in your thoughts and prayers.  Unfortunately, surgery recovery is the easiest of this all.  Up next is radiation and it's really going to take a huge toll on his body.  I know he can handle it, but I'd still appreciate prayers to keep him strong, positive, and that his treatment will in fact kill the cancer and he can beat the odds!  THANK YOU for the thoughts, prayers, texts, emails, etc throughout the past two week to check on me, my family, and most importantly, Grandpa.  I cannot tell you how much it means to me and my family.

___________________

UPDATE 2013-Jun-17:  Dr. Boyd pulled Grandpa's last drain out this morning!!!!!  His feeding tube was supposed to come out today but they held this up for a day to make sure he has no problems (build up of fluid) from the drain coming out.  The doctor doesn't want anything in Grandpa's stomach in case he would have to go in and relieve the potential fluid build up.  If all goes well with this drain removed, a speech therapist will begin working with Grandpa to move forward towards eating.
At this rate, it's not looking like he'll be home until Friday :(  But this last drain was really what was holding up any progress so let's hope all goes well with it being out and we can continue to move forward!  It is unfortunate he'll be there even longer, but I'd rather them be cautious and watch this drain to make sure it doesn't pose any issues before they send him home.
I was also concerned that this is all pushing radiation and then chemo back further and in my mind, we need to start asap to get the best chance to fight this cancer, but Dr. Boyd said not to worry; that he isn't concerned with delaying it a little bit.  If he's not concerned, then I'm not concerned.

Two Year Anniversary Photo

Last year we decided to start this tradition of taking a yearly anniversary photo, holding the photo from the previous year.

We took our first anniversary photo on the beach to symbolize our new life here in Florida.  It's also a particular beach that has a lot of meaning to us as we've spent many sunrises, evenings, and special occasions there.

This year, we wanted to again choose a place that would either represent our second year of marriage or had a special meaning to us.  We decided on NAS Whiting Field, in front the helicopter that Nick is currently training on, the TH-57.  The Navy is obviously a huge part of our life and this helicopter symbolizes the path our entire lifestyle will revolve around.  We will always be a Navy family, more specifically a Naval aviation family; and even more specifically, a Helo family.  This is where our life as a Helo family started, as this year of marriage was the year Nick found out he was selected to join the helo community and began his training this year.

We love this tradition and it will be so neat in a few years to look at our walls and see all the past years photos hung up, each symbolizing something important from that year of marriage.
If you're getting married soon or your first anniversary is approaching, you should definitely make this a yearly tradition!

Our 2 Year Anniversary Celebration

Our anniversary celebration was all over the place!  Our anniversary was on Tuesday, June 11, but unfortunately, we weren't able to celebrate that day.  Our anniversary celebration was actually split over a few days.  We tried celebrating the following evening but the good ol' Navy called that night, changing things last minute, causing us to cut the anniversary short.  So we continued on the next night, but again, the Navy demanded too much of Nick's time and this was but an hour or so "celebration."  Over the course of the week, we were able to do the few small things we wanted to do.  It really was nothing big, but the military made it impossible to do on one night.

We simply had a fabulous dinner, watched our wedding dvd, shared a bottle of wine, indulged in a delicious cake, and laid on the beach watching the dolphins play in the "sunset" talking about our last two years and what our exciting future will hold.  (I say "sunset" because our weather has been crappy here and it was pretty overcase.)

Watching our Ceremony :)

Our anniversary celebration was low-key and inexpensive because we have a REAL celebration coming in a few weeks.  Nick completely surprised me with his "gift" to me.  If you remember a few posts back, I mentioned that Nick had already planned something for our anniversary weekend.  Unfortunately, he wasn't able to do what he had planned because I was in St. Louis with my Grandpa and family.  Right before I left to go home, Nick handed me my anniversary card.  I was a little confused as to why he was giving it to me so early considering I was coming back two days before our anniversary but I opened it....

"Happy Anniversary Reveal! I owe you one cotton t-shirt of your choice from the gift shop at..."
[cotton is the traditional second anniversary gift]

I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!!!!!!!!!
Now, this might not seem like a big deal to anyone, but it's a HUGE deal to me.  I am Disney OBSESSED!!!!  (I pretty much think I should have been born a Disney Princess).  And, sadly, I've never been to Disney Land or World.  Ever.  I've always wanted to go.  When we moved here, we said that we'd visit Disney World because it's not that far away. Then we put it off thinking we'd be moving to Jacksonville and it's really close to Disney.  Then Nick changed his mind on the type of helo he wants to fly, which does not send us to Jax.  I was sad (for a few reasons) but one being, Disney World.  At this point, we had a little over three months left here.  Unfortunately, we have something happening every single weekend we have left (We have so many various family members coming to visit {YAY}, friends coming in town, friends' wingings, I'm going home for two weeks, etc.)  I had given up hope of going to Disney.  I was pretty bummed but Nick assured me that we could visit Disney Land if we were ever stationed in California or we could always plan a trip with our kids and fly down to it.  BUT NOW I'M GOING!!!!!!!  It was a little hard to find a free weekend but we managed to make it work!!!  Now all we need is for the Navy reapprove his leave for a later weekend.
I seriously love my husband!!!!  Apparently he's been planning and saving for quite some time, knowing he was going to do this.  I couldn't stop thanking him, hugging him, or smiling.  I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!  I get so giddy thinking about getting my picture taken with Belle (my favorite) and the other characters.  I know, I know.  "Melanie, you're 28 years old."  I don't care.  I always have been a little kid at heart and this is no different.  But Nick loves it.
I told him that I felt badly because this is obviously a gift and trip much more for me but he assured me it was for him as well.  He said he loves amusement parks but the real gift will be seeing my face.  One of the reasons he fell in love with me is how much of a kid I am and he loves seeing my eyes light up and my smile when I get in these situations (as he so sweetly wrote about me in my real anniversary card that he gave me on our actual anniversary).   That makes this his gift as well.  I just Love this man!!!

And of course, we had to take our second year anniversary photo. We opted to have our picture taken on base, in front of the static TH-57, the helicopter Nick is currently training on at NAS Whiting Field.  We thought this was appropriate seeing as for our entire second year of marriage, we were in Milton, Florida for Nick's helo training.

Update:  the photo has been hung (sorry for the crappy iPhone quality photo)

Hardest Goodbye Ever

I'm back in the South.  And hating it.  I would give anything to be back in St. Louis.  I can honestly say I've never wished I were in St. Louis more than I do right now.

It's been a long week.  Actually, it's only been a long four days but it feels so much longer than that.  All I've done all week is sit....sit in a hospital.  But it's by far the most exhausting thing I've ever done.  It is beyond emotionally draining which makes you feel physically drained.  I honestly have not ever felt this exhausted.

Here's a quick recap of my week:
Wednesday we picked my Grandparents up at 6:45am and headed to the hospital.  Grandpa was in pre-op from 7:30am until about 10:45am.  My family and I took turns (three at a time) sitting in his pre-op room with him (I had a private cancer pep talk moment with him though), we all gathered in the room to pray together, and then he was taken back to the OR.  Surgery started at 11:15am.  Around 6:30pm (or maybe later) he was out of surgery.   We waited for the surgeon for a bit and then he brought us into a consult room to tell us about the surgery.  We were finally able to see Grandpa in ICU (two at a time) around 8pm.  We finally all left the hospital around 10pm that night.
Thursday we were back at the hospital from 7am until 9:30pm.  Three at a time, taking time with Grandpa.  He's healing well and doing great.  He has a tracheal tube and therefore can't talk.  He gets frustrated with none of us being able to read his lips and for some reason, dislikes writing down what he wants to say.  Reading his lips is just hard because he's so swollen on his left side from them removing his bottom left-side of his jaw.  It was definitely a long and tiring day but our minds were put to ease seeing him progressing so well.  Even his surgeon was impressed with how well he's doing!
Friday we were again back at the hospital at 7am.  Just as the day before, we all took turns spending time with him.  Things were pretty much the same as yesterday...Grandpa frustrated with not being able to talk and us not being able to "understand" him.  It's hard to see him like this because my Grandpa is always so happy and patient.  Seeing him agitated is a rare sight so it was difficult.  He's also becoming so annoyed with all the wires.  He wants to get up and walk around but can't being in the ICU.  He's annoyed with his NG tube in his nose (his feeding tube, which goes down into the stomach and then into the small intestine.)  He's annoyed with all the wires and tubes getting tangled when they move him from the bed to the chair and back again.  As the day went on, things became more rough for Grandpa.  Very rough.  (Sorry, but we do not wish to divulge those details). So rough that he needed 24/7 supervision.  Mom, Ben (my brother), Leah (my sister), and I volunteered to stay the night and take shifts.  Mom and Leah started out but when their shift ended at 1am, I still hadn't fallen asleep (the ICU waiting room is so far from comfortable...which is ridiculous because there's soooooo many people who stay there over night.)  At 1am Ben and I headed into Grandpa's room.  It wasn't too bad, Grandpa was having a much better night.  At 4am, Ben left to get my Mom and sister for their shift.  I told him that I was pretty awake so if either of them were tired, I could stay a while longer until I got sleepy.  Leah came back and Ben had made the executive decision to let Mom sleep (she's so exhausted and obviously not taking any of this well either.)  I got a little sleepy but fought it and around 5:45am, Mom came in to relieve me.  At 6am, Uncle Craig showed up.  Then at 6:30am, Grandma, Aunt Janet, and Uncle Gary showed up.  We finally left at 6:45am and I was beyond exhausted.  We went home, slept, showered, and went back to the hospital around 2pm.
We spent the remainder of Saturday with Grandpa and he had improved sooo much from the evening and night before.  He wasn't even all that frustrated with things AND I was able to read his lips quite a few times!  Even some pretty lengthy and difficult sentences!  He was even joking and being his silly self!  We stayed until 9:30pm and then came the hardest part ever....goodbye.


Last night I had to say goodbye to Grandpa.  It was so hard.  I did not want to leave.  I would feel much better leaving knowing he was out of ICU.  I would feel better knowing he was in TCU.  I wish his tracheal tube would have been removed or at least capped off so he could talk.  I want more than anything to hear his voice.  Seeing him in such discomfort and annoyance is the hardest thing ever.  Seeing a grown man, your strong and happy Grandpa, like this is so difficult.

What makes it so difficult for me is what Grandpa said to me in our private moment before his surgery.  I told him he was about to embark on a very rough road and that I needed him to remain strong and positive.  I told him I was not ready to let him go.  I reminded him that of course he'll have bad days, and when he does, that's when we'll carry him.  We'll be his strength and positivity when he can't.  He then said to me, "Don't you worry!  I'm not going anywhere.  I've got too much to live for you...you, Grandma, and everyone else.  I'm not done living.  If you can do it, I can do it.  You're my cancer buddy.  You'll be my coach.  My cancer coach.  I'll have you by my side to beat this."  He then squeezed my hand and patted my face with the other hand.  It took all I had to fight back the tears at that moment.  And right now, I'm not able to hold them back anymore.  Because I won't be by his side.  I knew that at the end of the week I'd have to come back to Florida.  I can't be by his side.  And I feel so badly about it.  I should be there.  "You have the phone."  But I don't.  Because he can't even talk!  I left him and he said he could do this because I'll be by his side.  I don't even know when I'll be able to hear his voice and be his "coach."  He told me that my advice and my words help ease his mind and let him know he can do this.  And I'm gone.
I know that in time he will be able to talk.  But talking to someone on the phone is so much different than being there in person.  I could be a much better "coach" and form of support if I were in St. Louis by his side.  I know the phone is MUCH better than nothing, but it's just not the same.
He told him he's glad I was there because he had so many questions.  He'd ask me questions about the things in ICU because he knew I knew the answers.  Because I had been here.  I had an annoying tube in my noise.  I had drains.  I had the compression stockings.  I had it all.  It made him feel better to know that someone could understand and empathize with him.  I'd explain something or simply say "I know, it's the most annoying thing ever because..." and he'd nod and give me a thumbs up.  Showing me his appreciation that I understood.  He never once got frustrated with me for not understanding him.  He was more patient with me and looked to me for answers.
This is why I hated that I had to leave.  All these reasons.
I just feel I should be there.  I want to be there.

I know a lot of my emotions are sparked by my own memories.  I know what Grandpa is about to go through.  Heck, I know what he IS going through.  I know the pain and difficulty he's going to endure throughout radiation and chemotherapy.  And I do not want that for him.  I do not want him to go through one ounce of what I had to go through.  Especially because I know his radiation will be far worse than mine (although his chemo should be much easier than mine.)  I just don't want that.  I wish I could take this all from him.  I wish he didn't have to do this.  I know he can do it.  After seeing his strength throughout the past few days, I know he has the strength and determination to beat this cancer.  But it's the road ahead that I don't want him to go through.  I know he has to....and I want more than anything to be by his side.  Just like he was for me.  I want to attend many radiation and chemo treatments like he did for me.  But I can't.  It's so incredibly hard for me to accept.

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Last night, I went in to his ICU room and said we were leaving.  I told him I need him to continue to be strong and heal quickly because I need to hear his voice soon.  He lifted both of his arms and flexed his muscles...showing me he was strong and would remain strong.  It made me smile and made me feel better.  I then told him I needed him to remain strong through treatments and I was only a phone call away if he needed anything.  I could see the tears in his eyes as he reached up and rubbed my cheek.  I couldn't take it anymore.  I leaned down, kissed his cheek as he kissed mine, hugged him so tight, and told him I loved him.  He mouth backed "I love you too" and it took all I had to be strong and not cry.  I wanted so badly to hear him say "I love you."  So badly.   I hate cancer!!!
Leah and Grandma then took their turn saying goodbye (It was too cute watching my Grandparents nuzzle noses, kiss each other repeatedly, and just stare in each other's eyes.)  As we exited the ICU, Grandma began crying and linked her arms with us.  She thanked us for coming and said she didn't know what she would have done without us.  I couldn't hold my tears in anymore.  It was too hard.
We all gathered our things and walked down to the lobby.  I then had another emotional goodbye with my aunt, cousin, and again my Grandma.

This is just all too hard.  I'm sure over the week I'll have more of these really depressing, I-wish-I-were-home posts.  I won't apologize though...this is my blog and if you don't like it, don't read it.

For those still bearing with me, I appreciate it.  I cannot tell you enough how much myself and family truly appreciate your thoughts and prayers.  I have some amazing people in my life.  I've received so many emails, Facebook messages and text messages throughout the week asking for updates on Grandpa, asking how I and the rest of the family are doing, asking what they can do to help, and letting me know they're praying.  It makes me feel so blessed to know so many people care.  Thank you!!!!  PLEASE keep those prayers coming because Grandpa still has a VERY rough road ahead of him. Honestly, this surgery recovery is going to be the easiest of it all.

{As for the hospital update from today:  Grandpa was given the okay to be moved out of ICU.  The transport papers were submitted at 2pm.  Now, at 9pm, he's still in ICU because a room in TCU has not opened up.  We have NO idea how long it will be until a room will become available (they're also short-staffed in there so that's prolonging the move as well).  That's all that has changed from yesterday to today.  I will try to update as much as I can when I get any new information.)

Grandpa Update

This is not a blog post I want to be writing.  At all.  And I'm simply doing it for you all.  I've asked so many of you to pray and send positive thoughts.  I cannot thank you enough for them.  You do not know how much my family and I truly appreciate every prayer, thought, and good vibe you've sent this way.  For that, I do owe you all an update.

Please understand and respect that we do not wish to divulge all of the details of yesterday.  Some are hard to speak (or write) and we just feel it's something that the public world doesn't need to know at this time.

Grandpa's surgery and the outcome went differently than we had hoped.  Not how we had wished.  Not what we were confident of.  The surgery itself went well.  Grandpa is stable and doing really, really well.  He didn't need a breathing tube or any additional blood.  After six and a half hour surgery, and another two hours of waiting for him to get settled into ICU, we were able to visit him, two people at a time.
Grandpa looked so much better than I thought he would!  They removed his entire lower jaw on the left side but they were not able to do any form of reconstruction.  This will cause him many issues eating from here on out.  The cancer had also reached his pallet (something we knew before surgery but I forgot to mention) so they removed that and replaced it with a piece of tissue from his chest.  The surgeon also removed a lot of the lymph nodes that were infected as well.

Grandpa has a very rough road ahead of him.  Again, there are a lot of details we are not sharing (and might not ever share, unless we personally know you).  I just ask for you to continue to pray for Grandpa.  At this point, and for the next year while he undergoes radiation and then chemo, we need the absolute strongest of prayers people have to offer.  Please add him to your prayer chains, offer up Masses or services for him, keep him in your daily thoughts and prayers.  My family truly believes in prayer and have seen the miracles it can provide.  We prayed together as a family in pre-op with Grandpa before his surgery and we know God guided him through that like a champ.  We prayed together as a family after talking with the surgeon following the surgery.  And we will continue to pray every spare second we get.  I know it's a lot to ask, but please keep him in your thoughts and prayers for quite some time.
Please keep my family in your thoughts as well, especially my Grandmother.  We are all having a difficult time right now but are remaining positive.  We need to keep our strength and positivity so we can help Grandpa fight and win his battle against cancer.  There is hope...never lose hope.


Andy, Grandma Sally and Aunt Dodie, we know you've got connections with The Big Guy and wouldn't mind you  helping out here ;)

Grandpa's Surgery

Here we are, sitting in the waiting room.  Ten of us crammed in this consultation room.

The day started out early.  We (my immediate family) requested to be the ones to pick my grandparents up and take them to the hospital.  We picked them up at 6:45am and arrived at the hospital at 7:15am.  We all walked in and the receptionist was so shocked at the number of people.  She told Grandpa he had quite the team and that we're the biggest group they had seen.  I can't imagine their reaction if ALL of us here were (the Rogles family of 4 are on vacation, two children-in-law are at work, and one grandchild is at work.)  They were so helpful and unlocked this consultation room to give us a little more privacy since we'll be here a while.

They took Grandpa back into a room around 7:45am and began all the pre-op.  He was allowed three people back at a time, so we rotated and took turns spending time with him.  I requested some private time with him.  I wanted to give him a little cancer pep talk.  About how I know he can do this, how hard it's going to be, and how I need to fight this with all he has because I'm not ready to let him go.  That if I can do, this he can do it.  He agreed and said he knew he could beat this.  He knows it will be rough but he's got the right attitude.

Grandpa's surgery was scheduled for 9:30am but it was pushed back to 10:40am.  Around 10:00am we ALL headed back to his room (thanks to the nurses for letting us all back there).  We made a circle, joined hands, and Randy led us in a prayer for healing and peace.  Following his prayer, we all said the Our Father together.  It was very emotional for me (and others) but it provided such a calming feeling for me.  I am so thankful for my family and our faith.

Then we all each said our overly emotional "see ya later"s, "go kick cancer's ass" and "good luck"'s to Grandpa and headed back to the waiting room to give Grandma and Grandpa some alone time.

Around 10:30am, I headed back to his room to see if there were any updates on surgery time.  Just as I got there, Mom, my aunt, uncle, and Grandma were outside the room and they were wheeling him out.  I was happy I was able to be back there to see him off.  The moment he was through the doors, I started praying so hard, pleading with God to not let this be the last time I saw my Grandfather alive.  I know it sounds morbid, but this surgery is very risky.  He has an amazing surgeon so we all feel confident in this surgery.  But as with any surgery, there is a risk like this.  And that only increases with age or other health issues (such as Grandpa's replaced aortic valve in February 2012).

I will admit, this is very hard for me.  Grandpa is fully aware that surgery recovery won't be easy but he's most nervous about radiation because he's been warned it was bad.  And that's the hardest thing for me.  It's so hard for me watch someone I love go through this.  It's so hard to see my Grandfather, who is always laughing and one of the toughest people I know, to look so scared.  I wish I could take it all from him.  I want to take away all of his discomfort, fear, and worry.  I don't want him to go through this.  He's one of the most amazing people ever and he doesn't deserve this.

In the beginning, I was most scared of losing Grandpa.  But now, I'm confident that won't happen.   At least not physically.  What I'm not scared of is how this will affect him...how it will change him.  I'm afraid he's not going to be the Grandpa I know.  Things like this can really change someone, especially someone his age.  He's going through a lot with this surgery.  They're removing his low jaw on the left side.  He cannot have the reconstructive surgery because his heart and body couldn't withstand the 10 hour surgery.  He will be missing half his jaw from here on forward.  Eating will be difficult without that side as well as the lack of saliva.  Following recovery, he's going to undergo some very, very intense radiation and that is what Grandpa is most scared for.  The doctor has told him he is going to hate life and it will by far be the worst of this all.  The other day, he asked me if the doctor was accurate about how badly radiation was.  I didn't want to lie to him so I told him the truth...that about two weeks in, it will be very, very bad.  He looked so scared.  Shaken up.  It broke my heart.  But I didn't want to lie to him...I want him to be 100% prepared because I feel like no one did that for me.  I was taken off guard and did not know radiation was going to be so difficult.  After radiation, he will undergo chemotherapy but was told that will be a walk in the park compared to radiation.
As of now, we're hoping that after surgery, that his pathology report comes back to say that his cancer is a virus.  I'm not too positive of the details on this, but apparently there is a chance that Grandpa's cancer is a virus.  We're hoping for this because it's fought more easily with a less potent chemotherapy drug.  The drug he'll have to receive if it's not a virus is very, very strong.  So strong that it has killed some people.  Sounds scary but it's a risk you have to take because it's the best drug for this cancer.
Grandpa might be 83 years old, but he's in amazing shape and health for his age.  I know he can fight this all.  It will be very hard but he can do it.  Especially with our amazing family by his side.

He's now been in surgery for an hour.  I ask that you continue your prayers and thoughts for him. You have no idea how much my family appreciates it.

(I apologize for any typos.  I have not proof-read this at all and don't plan to.  I'm just too big of a ball of nerves.)