27 Week 3D Ultrasound - Our First Peek at Baby Obie!

Nick and I weren't sure we wanted to get 3D pictures done.  But then after having our normal 2D ultrasounds at the doctor's office, we decided we wanted to get a better image of our little man.
I found a local place that would do a 3D and 4D (video) scan for a pretty inexpensive rate (MUCH cheaper than our regular OB's office does it.)

I wanted to make sure Baby Obie would be active and move around, in case he were in a position that wasn't giving us a good image.  I know that orange juice makes him active so I drank a glass of that just as we got in the car.  Then we stopped at Starbucks just a few miles away from the ultrasound office.  I have not had any caffeine during this pregnancy.  I wasn't a really a huge coffee drinker before pregnancy and my choice of soda's don't contain caffeine (Sprite and root beer).  I figured caffeine, especially never having any before, would get him pretty active.

I was right.  He was active.  But not anymore than he usually is.  Yet for some reason, he kept yawning!!!  He is his father's son.  Caffeine has no affect on him (Nick takes a Mountain Dew to bed and falls asleep within 30 seconds.  This is also after consuming one at dinner and usually one more post-dinner).

Here is our Little Man!!

But don't let that image fool you.  This was at that very end when he finally let us see some of him.

This is actually how our session started out.

Yep, this stinker is folded in half, feet and arms up by his face, hiding.  (But how adorable are those little toes?!)  We poked him, and I moved on my side.  He stayed folded, with those legs, feet, and arms hiding.

Below we got a little peek of his nose for once though!!!!

He just didn't want to be seen.

The woman then had me get off the bed, and go sit on the couch.  She had me spread my legs and bend down between them.  Apparently the cramped space makes them change positions.  So I sat like that for about 5 minutes and then hopped back up on the table.

Well he moved alright.  He turned and shunned us.  Showed us his back side.  Thanks a lot, buddy!

She then brought me some juice.  The sugar plus the cold can make them move.  He was squirming and moving, but he kept that face hidden.  He finally moved his feet, but he was determined to keep his face hidden with his hands and arms.  But thankfully we got a few views of his face here and there.

After more flipping from one side of my stomach to the other, we got some views of his sweet little face!!!!!

I don't know about you, but it sure looks like he has a dinosaur friend in there with him!  A little mini t-rex head!

The pictures below just melt my heart.  He yawned and then rubbed his eyes.  Such an adorable, sleepy, childlike action.  He is just so cute!!!

(That beaded looking thing over his shoulder is his umbilical cord).

Little Man is apparently thinking pretty hard below.  So pensive.  

Below are a few random photos.  The first one is yet again, another yawn. The top right one is him trying to suck on his toes. haha.

That bottom right one?  Creepy as hell. His eyes are open but look super bug eyed and his mouth is wide open.  Creep Central.  In reality, this was just another yawn lol.

We got a few good ones, but out of 147 photos, there are few of his entire face.  Which is why we're going to go back in a few weeks and do it again.  So keep your fingers crossed he cooperates for us!

After not knowing if we wanted to do this, we are so happy we did.  Although we know he's a real human, it made it so real for us.  I could have laid there and watched him all day long.  I cannot wait until he is here and I CAN watch him all day.  The crappy thing is that it made me that much more anxious for him and I can't believe I still have to wait 13 weeks to meet him and hold him and cuddle him.  I wasn't sure I could love him more, but this 3D ultrasound definitely proved I could.

(We also received a video but I will edit a shorter version to share.  )

Pregnancy Update: Week 26

How far along?  26 weeks

Baby size?  Baby Obie is the size of a head of lettuce; between 13.6-14.8 inches long and around 2.5 pounds.

Baby progress?  His eyes are formed and are starting to open.  This means he might be more responsive to light and even kick in reaction to his detection of it.   His eye lashes are fully grown as well so they can protect his eyes once they open.  He's stealing my antibodies to prepare his immune system for life on the outside.  He's still breathing so he can be a pro when he makes his debut (breathing amniotic fluid, not air).  He's still busy packing on the fat (just like his mama lol).  Most of his systems and functions are now intact, and most of his development now is revolved around growing in height and weight.  His brain is still growing and over 50% of his energy is used for this.  

Weight gain?  Going off my home scale, I'd say I've been off the past few weeks and I've gained between 15-20 pounds maybe??  But we shall see at my doctor's appointment.  

Stretch marks?  None, thank goodness!!!

Sleep?  I sleep great Friday and Saturday night.  But the other nights?  Nope.  All anxiety due to my job.  Thankfully I'm not really tired or wanting a nap during the day.  I actually very rarely feel tired.  I'm sure that will end as I get into my third trimester though.  

Symptoms?  A few new ones such as loss of appetite, some light spotting, and pains in my belly when I get up from sitting or laying down.  The pain could be round ligament pain, but it's new in the belly.  Until now, my only pain has been in my back and tailbone.  But it makes sense that I'm going to start getting more uncomfortable as I get bigger.  

Belly Button In or Out?  It's still very in, but I can tell it's getting shallower :(

Cravings?   Nothing.  Nothing at all.  Sometimes wings, but I wouldn't say it's a craving.  I actually don't feel hungry most of the time.  I eat, because I know I need to but I just eat whatever Nick makes or whatever anyone else is having or the quickest and easiest thing I can make.  

Movement?  Oh yes.  Below is swift Punch-Kick.  This is common now.  But it still doesn't hurt.  Thank goodness!

A video posted by Melanie (@melzie21) on Feb 18, 2015 at 5:47pm PST

Workouts & Activity?    Still the same.  I did do some things that required more energy and I did well!!!!  My heart goes crazy but I've learned to deal with it.  

How are you feeling?  Stressed, anxious, and nervous.  I'm stressed and anxious over my job, which in turn makes me nervous of how I'm affecting Baby Obie.  I'm also stressing because work has me so busy that I don't have much time to do anything else.  And there's still so much to do around the house.  We still haven't even begun on his nursery!!!!  Ahhhhhh

Best moment this week?  Feeling like I can be a little more active and not pass out.  Not much, but I've been able to do quite a bit this week without needing my usual break every 5 minutes.  It was refreshing and made me feel human again!!!

Worst moment this week?   Finally sitting down to talk about a name and getting no closer.  We have a list of names we like, but there's nothing we love.  As of now, I'm convinced he's going to be born without a name.  I wish we had family names to carry on but we don't (and no, we don't want a junior.)

What do you miss? Working out.  So so so much!!!  I just want to get out and hit the pavement or do some hardcore ab work!

Things that suck?   Being hungry for something but knowing you can't eat it because your acid reflux is out of control.  Mainly, wings.  I'm really wanting boneless wings more lately and I have to refrain or feel like death.  

Things that don't suck?  Just feeling this boy move.  It's an amazing feeling and reminds me, even on my crappiest days, that I have created a life!  It's seriously the best feeling ever!

Looking forward to?  Seeing our little man!!!!!!!!  This next weekend we get to see him again and it's the 3D and 4D ultrasound!!!!  OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG I CANNOT WAIT!!!!!!!

PS.  I AM OFFICIALLY CAUGHT UP ON THESE UPDATES!!!! 

Happy 30th Birthday, Nicholas!

Today, my dear sweet husband turns 30 years old.

When I was younger, I always thought 30 seemed so old; bags under your eyes, wrinkles galore, fat hanging all over, and gray hairs becoming more visible.
Nicholas has proven this wrong as he's wrinkle, gray hair, fat, and bag free. And still sexy as hell! I'm proud to be your wife.

Aside from his dashing good looks (especially in uniform), he's kind, dedicated, intelligent, logical, passionate, generous, and loving. He's my best friend and love of my life.

There are not words to describe the love I have for him. In just three short months, my husband becomes a father, and I cannot wait to witness him with our son. I'm not sure how my heart can handle it but I'm anxious to see!

Happy 30th Birthday, Nicholas!!!

Pregnancy Update: Week 25

How far along?  25 weeks

Baby size?  a head of cauliflower; somewhere between 13.6-14.8 inches long and weighing around 2 pounds!!!

Baby progress?  Baby Obie is becoming much more viable, as his lungs are developing more strongly.  His hair is thickening and now has a color!!  (I can't wait to see if he actually has hair on his head, what color it is, and what color it'll be when he's older!)  Little Man's nostrils are starting to open and the air sacs in his lungs are continuing to develop.  Since he's now producing surfactant (the substance that helps his lungs inflate) it means that (God forbid) I went into preterm labor, he could probably survive the premature birth.  (That's a huge sigh of relief, but of course, I want him to cook much longer!).  He now has a sense of balance and can tell which way is up and down (which he'll use to, hopefully, rotate himself into the correct position to get ready for birth).  

Weight gain?  Maybe 8ish pounds??  (I will know better during my 27th week update because that is the next time I go to the doctor.

Stretch marks?  Still none!

Sleep?  Becoming difficult to get sleep.  I'm not super comfortable, but the reason I have trouble sleeping is the same as last week.  Stress and anxiety from my job.  Which really sucks that I'm letting it get to me, but I can't seem to not stress about it.  I'm well into busy season and each day is more stressful and difficult than the last!

Symptoms?  Other than the same ones as last week (back and tailbone pain being the main ones), I now have bleeding gums.  This is really common.  People have been asking me this entire pregnancy if my gums bleed so I guess I'm lucky that it didn't occur until this point.  I already use Sensodyne (yep, old people toothpaste) because chemo made my gums and teeth incredibly sensitive so I don't know that there's much more I can do for the bleeding gums aside from proper teeth hygiene, which I do.  This week, my belly has also started becoming more tight.  Not contractions, but some days, it feels very tight all day long.  Not just my skin (which also feels crazy tight) but the entire belly.  And I don't like this feeling at all :(

Maternity clothes?  Still just jeans and dress pants for work, the few I bought while at home, and still squeezing into some of my old clothes.  But those are dwindling.  

Cravings?  Zoe's Kitchen Chicken Salad.  They have the best chicken salad ever!!  When it comes to chicken salad, I like it simple.  Don't put shit in it.  No nuts, grapes, huge chunks of celery, etc.  

Movement?  Tons.  And strong.  I'm now able to easily see him moving from the outside.  Here, take a look!

Workouts & Activity?  Still none!  Although we did go to the zoo, and I lasted the entire time!!! So that was a good activity, even though it was just walking all day.  But it's more than I usually do and it took a LOT out of me!  (Thankfully my husband gave me almost an hour long massage that evening.)

How are you feeling?  Still feeling great!!!!!

Best moment this week?  My husband coming home with these...in the same day!

He stopped by Dunkin Donuts on his way home with a variety of strawberry and chocolate sprinkle iced, glazed, and brownie batter filled!!!!!  And as if that wasn't great enough, our Girl Scout cookie order came in!!!!!!  

Worst moment this week?   Getting my sweet tooth back, because clearly all that sugar is not healthy for baby.  And it's getting harder for me to have some discipline when it comes to sweets...like those pictured above!

What do you miss?  Sleep.  But again, that's not due to pregnancy as much as my job.

Things that suck?   Fitting into my own clothes.  My shirts don't really fit anymore, which is why Nick's wardrobe has now become my wardrobe

Things that don't suck?  Due to my insomnia, I'm getting caught up on all the shows I've missed the last few weeks (and months) due to working 12-14 hour days.  Always gotta find that silver lining, right? ;)

Looking forward to?  Seeing him again!!  We've scheduled a 3D/4D ultrasound session and I cannot wait!!!  Only two more weeks!

I don't normally post bare belly photos but I've yet to do so.  A few people (mainly family and my closest friends) have asked for those (usually in text messages) so I have finally grown the balls (ha!  kind of funny since "I" am growing balls inside of me.  Technically Baby Obie is, but still lol).  As I was saying, I've finally grown the balls to share one with you.  I've been struggling, like, greatly struggling with how I look like, naked, while pregnant.  I KNOW it's a baby in there and that's why I'm so big, but I'm still not on that "omg I love my body!" train that some women are on when they're pregnant.  I've promised myself I would start working on this and stop being so negative.  And thus, a step in that is sharing a bare belly photo with you.  Probably the last one you'll get though.  So enjoy!

(Can you see the scar on my arm that I attempted to hide with concealer and bronzer??  Here I am preaching that I need to accept my body and I'm covering up scars with makeup.  There was no luck for that bullet hole looking scar on my belly :(  That poor scar is getting deeper as my belly grows, which is so weird!  (That scar is from the feeding tube I had in 2006 just after my surgery).)

Pregnancy Update: Week 24

How far along?  24 weeks

Baby size?  Cantaloupe; between 10.5-11.8 inches and weighing somewhere around 20 ounces.

Baby progress?  Baby Obie's milestones seem to be slowing down now but his skin is much more opaque and almost has a pink glow due to the capillaries that have started forming.  His lungs now produce a substance (surfactant) that will make them inflate when he has to breathe on his own.  He also gained a quarter of a pound in bones, muscle, and fat this past week!  Which means he's starting to fill out and look more and more like a little human!!!!  His eyelashes, hair, and eyebrow hairs are all coming in, but it's white because it lacks pigment still.  Those little ears and fingernails are now complete!!!

Weight gain?  Again, I'm not too sure.  I would say between 6-8 pounds now

Stretch marks?  None!  

Sleep?  It's not really there, but that's not because of Baby Obie.  My sleep is gone due to the stress and anxiety of my job.  I cannot seem to find a way to shut my brain off.

Symptoms?
Nothing new.  Lower back pain, upper back pain, tailbone pain, painful pooping, insane acid reflux.  

Maternity clothes?  While I was home, I ended up buying some new tops.  Some were maternity tops I found on the clearance rack and others were in the junior section, but that had that rouched side that most pregnancy tops have so it works for me.  The best part, they were only $6.99 each!!!!!!  And that wasn't even on sale.  Just regular price.  They're just plain colored shirts, but that's perfect to pair under my sweaters, blazers, cardigans, or with my jeans or maxi skirts on the weekends.  Slap a scarf or a statement necklace over it and we're golden!  I actually should have bought more so I'm going to send my mom some money and ask her to get me more.  

Cravings?  Nothing.  There really is nothing I'm wanting.  

Movement?  Kicking and punching like a mad man!  Whomever said they're movements become more fluid-like around week 22 was a liar.  His movements seems quick, karate type jolts!  I wish more than anything I could just click an "on" button and magically be able to watch him anytime I wanted.  I seriously feel like there's some extreme kickboxing going on in there.  It's not painful (yet) so I don't necessarily mind (except when I'm trying to sleep) but it's just like "what are you doing?!"

Workouts & Activity?  Still none.  I am getting lots of exercise in with my job; all the in and out of the car, running all over the office, and all the walking.  But no set activities and exercises.  

How are you feeling?  Overall, great!  Some days or some moments are a little rough (like when my head is in the toilet and I'm puking up bile from my acid reflux) but overall, I can't really complain!  I know this could be much, much worse.  

Best moment this week?  There were a few.  The first was my baby shower :)  Hands down.  It was more than I could ask for.  My sister did an amazing job planning it all and the decorations were perfect!  My aunts, cousins, mom, and grandma helped to set up and execute the entire thing and it was just perfect.  I can't wait to share the details of it.  This little baby is so blessed and so loved, as am I, and I cannot thank my family enough for everything. 
The second was my family getting to see me pregnant.  The last time they saw me, I was only 11 weeks pregnant and there wasn't much there other than ginormous boobs (my little A cups had grown to a C by then) and a little bump that more resembled some pudge (but was really just bloat).  But this trip, I had a visible bump (I wore the dress they all saw me in at the shower in this week's photos).  They were all so excited to see me and it was a great feeling to get to share this with them instead of sending them the random bump photos.  My brothers even came in town so it was great to see them!
The third best moment (you can have more than one best!) was my family getting to feel Baby Obie kick and punch.  I was worried no one would get to feel him and it made me so upset.  For some reason, he was very, very calm this trip home.  I was actually worried.  I felt him at the Atlanta airport on my layover to St. Louis on Thursday, but I didn't feel him move again until Saturday night!!!!!  Thank goodness he did!!!  Unfortunately, that meant that my aunts, cousins, and friends didn't get to feel him at the shower.  But my mom, dad, two brothers, sister, and grandma all got to feel him!!!!  Saturday and Sunday night, Little Man was kicking and my family was able to feel him.  And I was so happy to share that with them.  Baby Obie must take after his daddy; shy at first but eventually he'll open up and "talk", or in this case, kick, to say hello :)

Worst moment this week?   Saying goodbye to my family.  It was hard because this was really the only time my family will get to take part in this pregnancy.  While it's exciting to think that the next I see them, I will be a mom and I will have a baby in my arms, it's still upsetting.  It's always hard to leave my family, but this was so difficult.  I was able to hold it together when I said goodbye to Grandma, Dad, and my siblings.  But when my mom and I said goodbye before walking through security, I couldn't hold it in.  I cried through security and then when I sat down at my gate, I was still crying and it just intensified.  People were staring, but I didn't even care.  It was just so hard to leave.  I want nothing more to be living in St. Louis with my family and having them be a physical, active part of this pregnancy and Little Man's life.  

What do you miss?  My family.  It's been hard to be back here in Florida without them.  It doesn't help that my husband isn't home much, so I feel really alone right now.  It sucks to be experiencing something so exciting, but feel like you're experiencing most of it alone :(  

Things that suck?    Putting on shoes and wearing heels.  I will still wear heels but not often at all.  I used to wear heels almost every workday and now, I will only wear them once a week.  On the weekends, I'm finding myself not picking cute heels when Nick and I go out.  I hate it.  I love heels but my back just can't handle it anymore.  It's also just so hard to put shoes on.  It's becoming difficult (definitely uncomfortable, sometimes painful) to bend over and put shoes on.  Which is why I'm opting for flats most often.  I use my feet to push them off the shoe rack, use my feet to flip them over (if they land upside down), and then just slip my feet in.  Easy peasy!

Things that don't suck?  My esophagus working.  I don't really know what it is, but this pregnancy has helped my esophagus.  Typically, food will get stuck every day, multiple times a day, causing me to have to dislodge it.  But since being pregnant, I've only had to dislodge food maybe 10 times!!!!  That's a huge improvement because it used to be about 10 times a week!  Food still get stuck, but it seems to be moving much more easily now.

Looking forward to?  Using all this baby stuff!!!  It's kind of a tease to have all this adorable stuff and tiny outfits and not be able to use them.  I just want him here!!

Pregnancy Update: Week 23

This is WAY late since I just entered my 25th week.  I apologize.  But I took these, worked a crazy week, went home, worked another crazy week.  So tomorrow you'll probably get my 24 week update and then again sometime this week my 25th week update.  I promise not to make this mistake and bombard you with these updates more than once a week.  

I also wanted to apologize for the wonky 2 and 3 in "23' as well as the crooked frame.  I didn't realize I didn't have it up straight until I uploaded these to my laptop.  Sorry!!!

How far along?  23 weeks

Baby size?  Grapefruit, measuring 10.5-11.8 inches long and weighs between 12.7 and 20.8 ounces.  

Baby progress?  His little face is now fully formed (I can't wait to see what he looks like!)  and he has nipples (which I found to be an odd development growth they noted, but I guess they have to develop at some point haha).  His hearing is great now and he's listening to everything!  Some of his kicks might even be in response to things he hears (time to start ending the foul language, but I'm not sure if Nick is capable of it).  Baby Obie is busy putting on some fat (which probably isn't hard with the things I eat!).  His skin is still transparent and maybe a little red due to the developing veins and arteries under his skin but soon that fat will cover it all and his skin will become perfect looking!  

Weight gain?  I don't know now.  Apparently our scale is off.  I was shocked because I thought I gained 12 pounds, which was double last week, but the next day, it was like 5 less.  I doubt I'm carrying that much extra water.  I mean, I could be, but I feel like I'd notice swelling somewhere and thus far, I haven't swelled at all.  

Stretch marks?  None, thank goodness.

Belly Button, in or out?  It's very much still in.  I had a very deep belly button to begin with, so I feel when and if it pops out or becomes flush with my belly, it will be quite a while from now.  It might be getting shallower, but I think only I would notice that.  

Sleep?  I'm becoming restless again, but not badly.  I'm still getting a decent amount of sleep these days.  

Symptoms?-  No nausea.  I'm almost out of the second trimester which means I've made it the first two without it!
- My back pain is increasing and there's not a lot I can do about it.  I can't lift anymore due to my crazy heart and that would alleviate my upper back pain.  My tailbone is also hurting a lot.  I spent the entire weekend this week in bed, crying, because I get no relief.  Laying flat on my back eases my back pain, but hurts my tailbone.  Laying on my side helps my tailbone but aggravates my back.  It's a lose-lose.  I shall be visiting chiropractor soon though!  I seriously sent my husband to game night with our friends while I stayed home alone, crying in bed because standing or sitting for more than 15 minutes had me in tears.  I felt like such a loser.
-  Acid reflux has reached an all-time high.  It was pretty miserable before I was pregnant and now it's beyond unbearable.  I cry often and throw up at least once a day from it.  My doctor said unfortunately there's nothing I can take.  I'm on the highest dose of medication a human should take and it's more than she's ever allowed a pregnant woman to take.  (But given the severity of it and the risks of esophageal cancer, she doesn't want to lessen my dose.  This is decision she came to with talking to many other specialists).  So I'm just learning to deal with it.  
-  Emotional.  They said the hormones get better in the second trimester.  Ummmm, not for this girl!  I'm a mess!

Maternity clothes?  Still just my maternity jeans and dress pants, but I'm wearing my normal tops.  Although, my selection is getting limited because this belly is growing but I'm making due.  I really don't want to buy many new tops because I WILL get back down to my pre-pregnancy size and then those clothes won't be used again until the next baby bump occurs.  

Cravings?  Pancakes, waffles, and french toast still.  So maybe I crave syrup??  But that craving is dissipating 

Movement?  He's an incredibly active little boy!  Which the doctor says means he's healthy.  But on the days when he decides to sleep a lot, it makes me nervous that something is wrong.  "Your momma paranoia is setting in already."  Puhlease.  I've been a paranoid person all my life so of course it's rolling over into pregnancy and being a mama.  

Workouts & Activity?  Not any real workouts, but I'm slowly learning to function through my crazy racing heart.  I can now tell when I'm about to get tunnel vision and approach the "I'm going to pass out" phase, so I know when to stop, sit/squat and rest.  It's working pretty well to make my work week more manageable.  

How are you feeling?  You'd think I would tell you I'm not feeling all that great due to my reflux and back/tailbone pain, but honestly, I feel great.  I think because I've dealt with something much worse, I'm able to say I'm feeling great.  I don't hate being pregnant.  (Check back with me when I'm double or triple this size and I might feel differently.)
Best moment this week?  Being on the cruise with my husband.  I was afraid I'd talk too much about work or we'd talk too much baby but it was perfect!!!  We really just relaxed and enjoyed ourselves.  I didn't talk about work once, and we only talked about the baby half the time.  It was great!  

Worst moment this week?  I can't really think of any??  I guess that laying in bed all weekend and skipping game night.

What do you miss?  Sitting comfortably.  Having a fulltime (+ lots of overtime, well without the overtime pay) job, it's frustrating because I'm either sitting at my desk, sitting in my car, sitting in a meeting somewhere, or standing giving a presentation.  My tailbone and back are always hurting.  I just wish I were able to lay down every so often and relieve some of the pain and discomfort.

Things that suck?    The stress of working becoming worse and the pressure increasing since I'm due during busy season and right in the midst of my events.  It's not really fair, but I guess that's just the way it is.  

Things that don't suck?  Seeing my belly move.  I can now see the little jumps and kicks from the outside and it's so cool and always makes me smile.  

Looking forward to?  Seeing him again.  We haven't had an ultrasound since week 12 and I'm dying to see him again!!!!!!!  As of now, we won't get another one until around week 35, but we're probably going to do one of those 3D/4D ultrasounds.  I have loved seeing my friends images from those sessions because it truly does look like their baby!  I mean, it's insane to see their baby when it's born and compare the photos!  I want to know what he looks like.  Does he have hair?  Does he have that cute little baby button nose?  Does he have those adorable pouty lips?  This little man is so active and I'm always wanting to see what he's doing because he's so active so here's my chance before things get too cramped in there and he can't really move around as easily.  

Yadi has been really great during my photo shoots.  She lays down at my feet the entire time.  But this time, she kept creeping in to them and wanted to be involved in these baby bump photos.

World Cancer Day - Make a Difference

Today is World Cancer Day.

Almost 9 years ago, I heard the words "You have cancer" and my life has never been the same.
There are no words to express how blessed I am to still be on this earth.  The odds were not in my favor, and even my own doctors didn't think I'd make it.  It was the worst year of my life, and there were times I wanted to give up and die because the pain was so bad.  Thankfully, I had an amazing support system that didn't let that happen.  They carried me on those weak days and were my smile when I seemed to have forgotten how.

Unfortunately, not everyone else is as lucky.  Not everyone's story ends in success.  In August 2013, I lost my grandpa to cancer.  My world was turned upside down and some days, many days, I still feel lost as I try to navigate through life without his advice, hugs, and jokes.
Since my first clear scan in November 2006, I've often been struck with survivor's guilt.  That feeling has intensified as I watch my own family suffer the loss of Grandpa.  It plagues me when one my cancer friends lose their battle.  What made me so fortunate, when no one thought I would, to have won my battle with cancer?  I'm no better than the others.  And Lord knows I'm no better than Grandpa (few people are better than that man).

I try not to think about cancer but it's impossible.  I still suffer from complications that remind me, at least once an hour, every single day, of what I've been through.  

As the days draw closer to February 14th, I get anxious thinking about that day.  It's been 9 years and the memories of that day, and those that followed, haunt me.  They make me anxious, sick to my stomach, upset and angry.  I'm filled with feelings of "why me?" and "why us?".  Why was I chosen to get cancer?  Even though it's gone, why do I still have to take medication and suffer through the complications?  Why am I still at a high risk for another cancer?  Why did my family, especially my parents and siblings, have to watch me go through that?  Why do my parents have to live in the fear of their daughter relapsing and worrying over any illness?   Why does my husband still have to watch me endure the pain and discomfort on a daily basis?

At the same time, I'm filled with feelings of graciousness, direction, and passion.  I am so grateful I'm still here.  I'm grateful that I've had more birthdays, Christmases, 4th of Julys, and family vacations.  I'm grateful that I met my husband through my battle.  I'm grateful that cancer did not, as they said it very well could have, rob me of (biological) motherhood and that, for the most part, I am carrying this little miracle son complication free.  

I have direction in what I should be doing in life.  I do that every day in my career as I work for a local cancer nonprofit and get to touch the lives of survivors and their families and fight back against the disease every day.  I found my passion in life; to help others.  I'm a 'mentor' and 'angel' on various internet support groups.  I share my story and help other young adult women go through what I went through.  I even help family members who aren't sure what to do or say for their loved one battling cancer.

Leiomyosarcoma brought so much negativity to my life and still continues to on a daily basis.  But I'm also reminded, daily, of the good it's brought me.  There really is beauty from pain if you look for it.

Today, on World Cancer Day, I encourage you to fight back or raise awareness.  Schedule a doctor's appointment if you haven't been in over a year (remember, I was incredibly healthy and the last person the doctors would suspect of cancer and it happened to me).  Encourage your loved ones to schedule their mammogram or colonoscopy.  Give blood (I've had a total of 7 blood transfusions and each one saved my life).   Put down those cigarettes.  Call a survivor and treat them to lunch or dinner.  Join a fundraiser (my favorite is Relay For Life).  Volunteer to be a Road to Recovery driver.  Volunteer at the hospital (the volunteers were some of my favorite people during my chemo days).  If you own a company, donate some of your funds or services to a cancer organization.  Gather a group of friends and offer to make dinner at a Hope Lodge if you have one in your area.
 Cancer affects almost everyone, in some way, whether you realize it or not.  Get out there and help. 

Today, I'm celebrating my life as well as the lives of those currently fighting cancer and those who have won their battle. Today, I'm remembering those who lost their battle, such as Grandpa. 

Now go hug a survivor!