I want to give a huge thank you to everyone that offered such kind words because while the decision was very easy, publicly admitting it is difficult. Far too many people have an opinion on the matter. You get those that think going back to work is the best thing for you and your family. Then you get those that think staying home is the best thing for you and your family. This is a personal decision, and I don't feel anyone should be judged for the decision they make. I'm always puzzled why others think THEY know what is best for OTHERS and THEIR family.
That being said, I know that I owe no one an explanation on why we made this decision. However, you all know I'm an open book and don't mind sharing (most) situations and experiences in my life. I've also had a few pregnant mama friends ask if I wouldn't mind sharing our reasons and thought process as they themselves are trying to make the decision.
There was one main factor: jobs. Both mine and Nick's.
As many of you know I loved my job. What you don't know is that I loved the cause of my organization, I loved my volunteers, and I loved dedicating my time to fighting cancer. Sadly, that was not enough to combat the work environment and some of those above me. I do not want to bash anyone because I believe their truly kind-hearted people, but they're job is make sure I make the organization money. They are running a business and that's the priority. Unfortunately, that came across in a far from pleasant way. I was in tears far too many nights, there was zero motivation, successes were overlooked, expectations & goals were beyond unrealistic, and nothing was ever good enough. There were many times I wanted to quit and even more times Nick wanted me to quit. While I loved so many things about the job, the way we were treated wasn't worth it. It was affecting who I was and was putting me in a bad place. Being pregnant, finding another job wasn't going to be easy, and I wouldn't be eligible for maternity leave. So I stayed.
(This is no reflection of the organization itself. It was only about those who were in my division. Everyone has different management styles and different ways they operate. Unfortunately, those above me (not my immediate manager who was the best I've ever had), did not have the qualities that make any manager or company worth working for.)
The job was HARD. So incredibly hard. It was honestly far too much for one person. (There's a reason my position has a turnover rate of about 15 months). I wasn't sleeping. I was always stressing out about something. I would get so stressed during busy season (which was the end of January through the end of May) that I was getting sick. Physically ill. Remember my cancer scare? All due to the stress of the job. Granted, my immune system sucks (thanks cancer), and stress affects me more than others, but the stress was not worth what it was doing to my body.
After Jaxon was born and time was closing in on maternity leave ending, we began talking about my job. As many of you know, my job consumed a lot of my time. I worked all day, driving from meeting to meeting to the office to another meeting. I traveled all over two different counties. Monday through Thursday I usually had evening meetings. Depending on the time of the meeting and where it was, more often than not, I was not getting home until somewhere between 8:30pm-9:30pm. Even then, I would sometimes have volunteers calling me, and often I'd have more work to do once I was home. While I wasn't required to work weekends, my volunteers were still calling. I could ignore them, and explain that weekends I'm off and want to spend time with my family, but I was still met with annoyance and hostility from some. And being a workaholic, perfectionist, and people-pleaser, I would usually answer their calls and texts. Sunday nights I was usually back on my laptop doing work, preparing for the workweek.
(Not to mention, where would I pump? I spend 80% of my working hours out of the office; in a car, in Starbucks, Panera, or other random restaurants or meeting rooms in companies. None of those are conducive to pumping. And even if I did pump in any of them, where am I storing my breastmilk during those 12-14 hour days?? I was not willing to stop nursing because of my job).
How could I do this job with a baby? I would need childcare for 50-60 hours a week. Figuring out how much I would pay childcare for the day plus a nanny for the evening OR a nanny for all 12-14 hours a day was enough to give us a heart attack. Working for a nonprofit organization, I'm not making the big bucks. At the end of it all, I wouldn't be bringing home much money.
However, I do like to be busy and out of the house and working. I'm not normally one to enjoy not working. But the main issue is how much my job would keep me away from Jaxon. With my schedule, I would only truly see and interact with him when getting him ready to leave the house each weekday morning, for a few hours on Friday evening, and on the weekends (because he'd be in bed before I would get home Monday through Thursday). Was it worth having my limited time with him on the weekends interrupted by phone calls and texts? No. The simple answer is that it was not. Even if I were paid better, a large amount of take home money after childcare would NEVER be enough for me to spend such limited time with my son. (Note: If you have a job that takes you away from your children that much, I in no way judge you, but for me, the money was not worth the time away. We each have to do what's best for us and emotionally, I this was not best for me to be away from Jaxon that much.)
(Note: My job was an all or nothing. There was no part-time option. If there had been, I probably would have gladly taken that route but it was not an option.)
Now add in the fact that Nick will be gone more than he's home the next 19 months (workups and a deployment), we thought that it was best that Jaxon have at least one of his parents be stable and present more than they were absent. It just didn't seem fair to have Jaxon in the care of someone other than his parents for 80% of his waking hours.
Combine all of these factors about our jobs and it was a no brainer. I would not be returning to work. I would be a SAHM.
I was nervous, because as I said, I am not the type to like not working.
And I was nervous for a reason. This is the hardest damn thing I have ever done. There is no way to articulate how difficult this is. But at the same time, it is so rewarding and I love it. Some days are easier than others. Some days seem to crawl by and I anticipate Jax's bedtime. But at the end of every day, I'm thankful that I'm able to stay home with him. I'm grateful that Nick's job provides enough that we are able to afford to live on one income. Sure, we don't get to live the exact same lifestyle, but we're happy, healthy, and still have fun, and that's what matters!
I feel very fortunate to witness all of Jaxon's milestones, to see his smile all day long, to nurse and cuddle him throughout the day, to give him kisses as he goes down for naps, and read and sing to him before he goes down for the night. One day, maybe in the near furture, maybe once all my children in school, I'll go back to work. But right now, after almost 5 months of being a SAHM, I'm even more confident in this decision to stay home with my baby boy.
I know being a SAHM isn't for everyone and some cannot afford to do it, but I'm confident that most women who have the choice, do what they know is best for their family; this includes themselves, their child(ren), their marriage, and their finances. I have great respect for working moms (and dads) and respect for SAHMs. Neither one is easier than the other as each have many benefits but also many drawbacks; each one is difficult in it's own way and we're all just trying to be the best mamas we can and you can't ask for more than that!
