First Married Easter

Today was our first Easter as a married couple.

I honestly wasn't really expecting much from it.  Nick didn't really celebrate Easter growing up.
My family went all out.  Up until last year, at the age of 26, we dyed eggs.  My brother always came home to celebrate.  We went to sleep with an empty hallway shelf and woke up to a shelf full of 5 baskets filled with Easter candy. 
Every Easter afternoon, after church, we'd head to my Grandparents house.  There, we indulge in delicious amaretto slushes, mimosas, champagne, wine and a huge array of brunch food.  After brunch, we go on the egg hunt.  Each cousin (there are 7 of us on my mother's side, ranging in age from 19-31) have a specific number of eggs hidden with our names on them.  Some contain candy and some contain money.  But Grandma makes sure we each get the exact same things...no favoritism ;)
Then it's time to hunt for our Easter baskets which are always hidden somewhere around the house!

I knew I was going to be sad to miss these traditions.  We would not be going home for this weekend.
I didn't mention too much how bummed I was because I know it makes Nick feel badly.

I was sad we wouldn't be engaging in any Easter fun.  I know when we have kids, we can carry on these traditions.
I thought about dying eggs with Nick, but neither of us eat hard boiled eggs.  I did not want to waste them.  Back at home, those hard boiled eggs would be eaten by my family so it was never a waste.  So we opted to forego the egg dying =(

On Sunday morning, I woke up and walked out of the bedroom to see this waiting for me on the kitchen table!

Nicholas got me an Easter basket!!!!!!  I was truly shocked.  I didn't think, one, he'd remember that today was Easter or two, that he'd known how much I wanted a basket or was upset to not have these traditions this year since I didn't really voice it. What a keeper!

He also remembered that caramel Cadburry eggs are my absolute favorite ever!!!!

And the cute little card he got me =)
[Please know we do not use these pet names.  We do not call
each other "honey" and we absolutely do NOT call each other
"snuggle bunny" lol.  Just wanted to clear that up.]

 

I did feel guilty I didn't get him a basket but he assured me he didn't need one and would just share my candy.  (Which proved to be very true).

Later that morning, I got to Skype with my family!!!!!!!

Holidays away from home are so incredibly hard for me.  I'm sure some don't understand but they aren't a part of my family and clearly do not understand how close we all are.
While being away from home is hard, I'm so thankful for such a loving husband as well as technology.  These two things make life a lot easier and dry a lot a tears.
I'm so glad I got to be "with" my family today.  And I'm happy I still got a basket =)

Happy Easter Everyone!!!

"Official" 5 Year Anniversary

Today, Nicholas and I have officially been together for five years.

I say officially because we started "dating" (as much as you can date with states between you) in late December of 2006 but did not become "boyfriend and girlfriend" until April 6, 2007.

I know some of you know our story, but some of you don't.  And even though it is a tab at the top of this blog, I feel today is a good day to tell this story.

At Mizzou, I met a guy, we'll just refer to him as Ex. And for some unknown reason, I dated him for quite some time (about 2 years-ish)- (he was very far from my type...disgustingly muscular, arrogant, an ass, no respect for his family, bad temper (never towards me), didn't eat fast food or junk food, didn't sleep in, education was of no importance, no drive or ambition, no dreams...my opposite in all the bad/wrong ways.)  
Obviously because we were dating, I met a lot of his friends, who became good friends of mine.  Ex was kicked out/dropped out Mizzou and moved back home to St. Louis.  When I would go home, I would spend time with Ex at his apartment, with his roommates.  While we were dating, Nick (know to me and everyone else as Obie) moved into Ex's apartment.  The two did NOT get along.  (Nick and Ex shared the same best friend, Jason, who also lived there...which is why Nick moved in.)
I was not to hang out with or talk to Nick because he "was an asshole."  Now, if you've seen a picture of Nick, you could say "Oh yeah, I totally see it."  Nick doesn't smile often.  He's shy and quiet.  His straight and content face is one of "I could murder your kitten"....he just always looks so mad and mean.  Add in the fact that he doesn't speak makes him seem even more angry or stuck up.  Who was I to question my then-boyfriend?  Especially when Nick seemed to fit this description.

As told, I never talked to Nick, which was hard.

Shortly after, Ex proved his ultimate doucheness and cheated on me....apparently with multiple women, and I broke up with him.  (But he made sure to let me know it was my fault because I wouldn't have sex with him and he needed it.....as I said, douche.)

Obviously I stopped seeing all of his friends, but through Facebook, kept in contact with John, who had always been one of my favorite friends of theirs.

Fast forward, and I become diagnosed with cancer.  I have a body mutilated with scars, I'm disgustingly thin, I am bald, I am broke, I have baggage.

At the very, very end of chemotherapy, which was the end of all treatment, I come home from class to an AIM message on my computer from an 'Obie' on my laptop. It says, “Hey Melanie, this is Nick. I’m not sure if you remember me.” I tried to think of any Nick’s I knew and couldn’t. Then I thought about the “Obie” in the screen name. I only knew one Obie. I called John and asked what his friend Obie’s real name was (in three years, I never really thought about the fact that Obie probably wasn't his real name). He told me Nick and asked why. I explained that I had received an IM and was confused. John replied, “Oh yeah, I meant to tell you he asked for your screen name.”

I replied to Nick and we began talking. It was just small talk and getting to know each other again. I found out that he had enlisted in the Navy and had gone through boot camp, A School, and was now in Power School in Charleston, South Carolina.
After about a week of hours a day of talking via instant message, I finally decided to tell Nick that I had just battled cancer. It wasn’t something I wanted a lot of people knowing but Nick seemed nice enough to not think of me any differently. He had no idea that I had battled cancer and told me about how his mother did the same not too long ago and he actually took care of her. 

Nick had started to become a good friend that I could open up to….and I did not trust many people recently.  He understood the things I was talking about...something not many people did (not through their fault, but because cancer hadn't touched many close to me).
 I confided in Nick all of my fears, worries, and concerns. I told him I was really scared of being alone the rest of my life. I was worried that no guy would ever want to be with me because I had a giant scar down the middle of my stomach, two round scars on the sides of my belly button; I was so incredibly thin; I was so pale; I was bald and wearing a wig; I might not ever be able to have children; I had a lot of baggage and no one would want to worry about losing me to a relapse. Guys stay as far away from baggage as possible!  Nick assured me that would not happen and that someone would be able to see past all of that.  I said "yeah" but in my head was saying "you're just saying that to ease my mind."

Long story short, we continued talking and Nick fell for me...quickly. I fell for him shortly after. Then after we realized we liked each other, Nick admitted to me that he knew before he ever instant messaged me that first day that he knew I had cancer. It was actually the sole reason he contacted me. When he heard I had battled cancer, he wanted to be there for me. He knew what it was like to deal with it closely because he took care of his mother. Nick thought that I might be feeling alone because no one my age could relate since no one had cancer. He also thought that no one could relate because not many people dealt with it so closely, such as a parent they had to take care of. But he could. He wanted to be there for me as a support system that I might not have. Neither of us expected it to develop further.
He came home on Christmas leave and we hung out.  He text him on New Years Eve inviting him out with us, not expecting him to come.  I liked him, but wasn't sure of his feelings for me yet.   I figured he would not leave all his best friends to come downtown to see me.  But apparently he got my text and ditched his friends saying "I gotta go see about a girl."  It was then I realized he shared some feelings for me.

Apparently Nick fell hard and fast.  We finally stopped beating around the bush and it was clear we liked one another.  Nick made multiple comments and attempts at making things official between us but I wasn't having it.

I had been severely hurt by Ex and wasn't sure I could trust guys.  

On top of that, I was 22 years old.  I have always been a relationship kind of girl.  At this point in my life, I was not wanting to just date.  I was searching for the person I would spend the rest of my life with.

Nick was in the military. I did NOT want a military lifestyle.  I did not want to uproot myself and leave my family.  I was too close with them.  I did not want to leave my friends.  I did not want to leave my hometown.  I hate change.  I hate uncertainty.  I'm a planner.  This was not what I wanted.

Thank goodness for my best friend and roommate, Jessie.  She simply said "I understand all of that, but Nick is too good of a guy to pass up."  

I kept dwelling on what she said.  I knew she was right but I couldn't bring myself to admitting that to him.  I couldn't bring myself to commit to a military man.  I wanted a boyfriend that lived in my town!  I was tired of having an every other weekend boyfriend, like I had with Ex.  If I dated Nick, it'd be even worse!

I still hadn't made up my mind when Nick had plans to come into St. Louis to be the best man in his best friend', Jason's, wedding.  He had asked me to be his date and I agreed.  I invited him to come to Mizzou and then we'd travel to St. Louis together that Saturday.  

Nick was in town for just one hour and I knew Jessie was right.  Nick was a risk I needed to take.  If I didn't, I'd lose a great guy.  A guy that doesn't come around too often.  I'd always wonder what could have been.

So after going out on a movie and dinner date that night, he was browsing Facebook.  I said, "So how are you going to introduce me tomorrow to people at the wedding."  With a very annoyed voice, he responded, "I don't know.  I guess I will just say, "This is my date, Melanie."".  I then said, "Orrrrr....you could say, 'This is my girlfriend, Melanie.'"  He looked up from the computer, eyes so wide, childish grin on his face and said, "Really?"  

And we became official! 

Nick was the greatest risk I ever took.  I know he was meant for me. We started out as best friends and fell In Love. Nick came into my life during a time that I felt lost and alone. My world was dark. He made me see that I was not alone. He picked me up and saved me. He put a smile on my face. He Loved me. When I was afraid no one would love me in spite of cancer, Nick fell in love with me BECAUSE I had cancer. He demonstrated the true meaning of friendship and Love. Ever since our first conversation, Nick has been one of my biggest supporters. Even though he’s been 1000 miles away from 2006 to mid-2011, he’s always there for me in any and every way he can be. I am truly blessed to have this wonderful man in my life and I would not be where I am today without him. He keeps me smiling. He’s my faith when I lose sight. He’s my strength when I feel like lying down and giving up. He’s kept me alive. All because he decided to reach out to someone he barely knew in her time of need. 

I am happy to say I have married my best friend and he continues to be my biggest supporter.  Not a single 20th goes by without him wishing me "Happy 20th" and reminding me how many days it's been since remission (I got my first clear scan on November 20, 2006).  When I'm feeling weird and worried of relapse, he never tells me I'm being silly or overdramatic.  He just holds me and reassures me of my strength and that everything is okay.  I'm strong and there's no way the cancer is back.  He's my rock.  He is my world.  I am so blessed to have him in my life.

A lot has happened in these past 5 years.  Through it all, the good and the bad, Nick and I have been there for one another.  The distance has not affected us in a negative way, never hindering our Love and support.  It's only strengthened us.  While this life is not how I pictures, or even how I would prefer it, our love and strength through these past five years lets me know we will overcome anything this crazy life throws our way.

I Love You, Nicholas.  Thank you for a wonderful five years together.  I look forward to the next 120 together ;)

2007

2007

2008

2008

2009

Proposal
2009

2010

2010

Commissioning and Graduation from USNA
2011

Our Wedding
2011

Jamaican Honeymoon
2011

Married Life  shortly after moving to Maryland
2001

Married Life shortly after moving to Florida
2011

Our Fur Babies
2011

Beginning of Flight School
2012

March 11th

Today marks 9 months since I've been married to my best friend.
Today marks exactly 6 months since we moved to Florida.

I felt that today would be a good day to give you all an overall update on our life.  ....Even though there isn't too much to update on.

Married life is great.  The other night I was thinking about how one of the best things about marriage is that every night is date night.  Now, I'm sure to most, they don't feel this way.  However, prior to our wedding, we were long distance for four and a half years.  I only spent a total of 9-11 weeks out of the 52 weeks a year with Nick.  When he came home on leaves, staying in and watching a movie was considered a "date" for us.  And even though we're married and have been living together for 9 months, I still consider a night in, cuddled up together, watching a movie, a date.  Given our unmarried relationship, we learned that every second is precious.  It all counts.  A night or day at home isn't just another day.  To us it means more.  We know what it's like to not get this often.  And we're fully aware that the future will bring many, many more months where we are apart.  So I'm soaking it all up now.


So... life in Florida....
it's...different.  We live in a town called Milton.  There's not a whole lot to do here.  And it's off season for Pensacola so it's just dead.

Weekdays:  Nick and I spend our weekdays just hanging out.  He's in API so he's gone all day but we do get our evenings together.  He's now finished with the academic portion of API so his nights aren't consumed with studying.  We usually watch one of our television shows or a movie.  For the most part, I make dinners most nights but there are some nights where Nick helps me (I love when we cook together) or nights when he makes dinner.
After reading some things others have to say, I want to say I am so thankful for a husband who helps out.  He cooks dinner sometimes.  Doesn't need to be asked.  Just says he's going to do it.  Asks me what I had planned and where the recipe is, or makes up his own chicken marinade/seasoning and cooks his own creation.  He also helps out with cleaning.  He dusts shelves, vacuums, steam mops.  He does the dishes pretty regularly...both dishwasher dishes and our dishes that need to be handwashed.  Doesn't complain.  Doesn't wait to be asked.  Just does them.  I'm so thankful he doesn't expect or even want me to take care of the entire house.  (I'm sorry but I don't do the whole old school thing of 'women cook and take care of the house'.  There's no reason men can't help out.)  I never thought much of it...I pictured married life to be a team of us equally doing these things.  But apparently that's not the case for a lot of couples so now I know to be even more thankful for Nicholas.

Friends:  We are thankful to have a wonderful group of friends here.  During the week, we get together for wine nights (for us ladies) and the guys will have poker nights.
On weekends, we all go to Bayview, which has a dog beach and a separate dog park.  The dogs love it there (and it's great way to get them to sleep the rest of the day away).  So most weekends you can find us there with our friends and their pups for a few hours.
Aside from the dog beach and park, we like to spend our weekends at Seville Quarters.  It's a place here that has many different bars inside.  They're all connected through doors and hallways and you can walk from one to the other with your drinks.  One cover gets you into the place and you're free to go from bar to bar.  They have a club, a wine bar, piano bar, a bar with a live band, patio bars, a casual bar, etc.  We hang out in the casual bar playing pool and having a drink.

Some weekends we all opt to stay in.  We all gather at someone's house and just hang out or play games.
It's nice to finally have a routine and friends so that we're not always sitting in the house.  I love my husband dearly but it gets boring if we're never out and about with friends.  These friends have made living in Florida a lot more bearable.
What else do we do??  Oh!  Well twice now we've gone to play Bingo.  Yep, we're old married couples that have nothing better to do than play Bingo. ....Kidding.  Surprisingly, Bingo is actually really fun!  We all really enjoy it!  (and last time we played, I won twice and Nick won once!)

We're all anxiously awaiting the warmer weather so we can hit up the bars that have beach volleyball.  I cannot wait to spend a Saturday on the beach hanging out, grilling, playing volleyball or whatever with our friends.


Overall I can't complain about life here.  I'm not a huge fan of Milton and Pensacola, but I don't hate it.  I think I'll love it a lot more once spring rolls around.
I can tell you it's been nice to not have a real winter.  If you know me, you know I'm a huge baby.  I do not like cold.  Anything below 65 and I'm cold.  Below 60 and I'm freezing!  My ideal temperature is about 80 degrees =)  But I've been spoiled living here.  The coldest day we had all "winter" was about 45 degrees.  We had maybe two of those days all winter.  The average temperature here from November to present was 65-75.  You can't beat that!!!  Mid-January and early February I was laying out in my backyard...and got a sunburn!  I wasn't one bit mad about it =)

Other than that, we're just hanging out.  Still obsessed with our pups.  Still loving married life.
If you're Facebook friends with me, then that give you an idea of life here.  And you'll also see that I still take millions of photos and upload them all to my profile.  I think in January and February I averaged over 300 photos a month so now each month is getting it's own album lol.  Nick still gets annoyed with me wanting to take pictures all the time but I don't think that will ever change.  I haven't been very good about taking photos of us when we're with friends so I want to work on that =)  I know my family loves keeping up with our lives via the pictures.  If you're reading this and aren't on Facebook, then just email me and I can send you a link to my albums, even if you don't have a Facebook account =)

So there it is....I told you...not much going on.  Although life isn't boring, this update was.  But I haven't done one in a long time.  We're still doing the same ol' things but we're loving every minute our lives.  Pensacola might not be the greatest place to live, but when you have an amazing little family like mine and great friends, you can find the fun in any place!

So here's to warmer weather, less rain, and more fun adventures with my Husband, our pups, and our friends!  And hopefully a visit from friends and family back home!

First Valentine's Day as Husband & Wife {2012}

As most of you know, I am not a fan of February 14th.  If you don't know, I had my horrendous surgery and was diagnosed on that day.
I'm sure 99% of you reading this are thinking "So what, you're in remission now."
Well, it's more than just a "so what" moment to me.
It's easy for you to say, "Forget about it.  Makes new memories.  Enjoy the love you have.  Don't remember the bad stuff, remember the good.  Replace the bad memories with new ones."
I'm sorry but it's impossible.  If you truly understood what that day was like, the severity of my cancer, how terrible my battle and struggle were, and everything I still deal with, you'd understand.
You can't just "forget" such awful memories. You also can't "replace" them.  It's not a file on a computer that you just hit delete and it's gone forever.  Life doesn't work that way.  I can add good memories, but I can never forget the bad ones.
I get annoyed when people say these things but I have to remind myself they just don't understand.  Some say they have awful memories from February 14th and I say, "Well good for you that you're a robot and 'delete' memories and just 'forget' the past."  I'm not that way.  Plus, what does my hating February 14th and having bad memories/bad thoughts affect you?

Anyway, that's not the point of this post.  And there's no point wasting my breath because those who don't truly get it will probably still try to talk me out of remembering February 14, 2006 and all that followed.

Nick wasn't around during that year of my life.  He entered right after my last chemo treatment in October 2006.  So he doesn't fully understand either.  But ever since we started dated, he's made it a point to try to erase those memories (God bless his heart....so naive lol).
Our "first" Valentine's Day, we were only "dating" and not officially together (I was too stubborn) but he got me this adorable tiger...the one I STILL sleep with to this day.
All the years after he tried again to make them meaningful.  Even though we weren't together, he succeeded in bringing a smile to my face.  [Last year's {click HERE to read about it} was as perfect as it can get when you have 1000 miles between you.]

I'll be honest, I wasn't looking forward to this year's...more than I usually don't.  Nick is busy with API, we're super tight on money, and well, Nick made comments to lead me to believe I shouldn't expect anything.  I am NOT the type of girl that needs gifts.  I never have been.  If you are going to give me a gift, I refer something homemade or sentimental.  If it's store bought, there better be some sentimentality behind it.  [I am NOT a materialistic person, hate most name brand things, etc.]  What really matters to me is spending time together, especially given our history of only spending 20% of our relationship in the physical proximity of one another the past 4.5 pre-marriage years.
But Nick would be spending all day at school. I would be left alone with my thoughts. I figured Nick would get home, we'd eat dinner, he'd spend the rest of the night studying, while I laid in bed and watched a chick flick (not either of two of my favorites "A Walk to Remember" and "Sweet November".  Was it an omen that those were my favorite movies??)

But since Nick wants to celebrate the day, I don't "punish" him;  I "celebrate".  Since we're on a tight budget, I had to get creative.  I wanted to bake him something.  But Nick is pretty picky.  He isn't a huge chocolate fan.  He doesn't like icing so I usually stay clear of cakes.  Rice Krispie Treats are his absolute favorite dessert.  Seriously.  He'd prefer that over ANYTHING else!  But I didn't want to just make normal Rice Krispie Treats.  I had been at the store last night wondering what to do.  I saw a giant Hershey Kiss and wanted to give him a "big kiss" but knew he wouldn't eat it.  Then I got the idea to make him a giant Rice Krispie Treat disguised as a giant Hershey Kiss!
After he was sleeping I set to work.  I wanted at least one thing for him to wake up to. After baking, attempting to mold, then getting the brilliant idea to use a funnel to shape it, creating my own Kiss message on parchment paper, and wrapping it in foil, it was DONE!

I set it on top of his lunch box in the refrigerator so he would be sure to see it and take it for a snack =)

Then I wrote in his card, worked a little more on his other gifts, and it was off to bed!

**********

Yesterday I woke up when Nick's alarm went off and was up while he laid in bed and snoozed his next seventeen alarms (have I mentioned how annoying this is?)  He got up and after he let the two antsy-pants out of the bedroom, I was finally able to fall back asleep.

Next thing I know, the lights are on and Nick is saying "Wake up!  Happy Valentine's Day!"  I push the blankets off and he's holding our wooden tray and says "I made you breakfast in bed!"  I was shocked...100% shocked.  For a few reasons.
Reason Number 1:  Nick does NOT like to get up.  Ever.  Doesn't matter if he's had 5 hours or 17 hours of sleep.  He LOATHES waking up.  ANYONE who knows him will vouch that this kid is obsessed with sleep.  Today, he actually could have slept in.  For once in his entire Navy- career, he didn't need to be at school until like 8:45am (usually it's 7am).  He sacrificed his extra sleep time to wake up at his normal 5:30am time to make me breakfast!!!
Reason Number 2: Nick LOATHES eggs.  Not just eating them (they will make him vomit) but even the sight of them.  And he actually made me scrambled eggs!
Reason Number 3:  Nick doesn't do breakfast.  He never eats before he leaves the house.  Ever.  Because he never eats it, he has NO idea how to cook it.  I asked how he knew to make it, specifically the eggs, and he said he had to YouTube it!  LOL I was laughing so hard.  I can just picture him, laptop on the counter, pausing every so often to mimic their steps.  (He knew how to make hash browns because he LOVES those things.)

Regardless, I was impressed and incredibly appreciative!  These are the types of "gifts" I love.  The things that go above and beyond the norm.  They take effort, thought, and in his case, sacrifice (of his time and stomach.)
So I sat in bed and enjoyed my delicious breakfast.

Even though it was getting close to time for him to leave, he did the dishes!!!!  Even the hand-washed ones.  He didn't want to leave me with a mess =)

I woke up later and walked out and saw this sitting on the kitchen table.

Bear, card, and chocolates. Nick knows I only like TWO
types of chocolate....Godiva and Hershey.  He couldn't find any
Godiva but found this tin of Kisses and it's perfect!

Nick said he got this bear because it has "2012" on it
and it symbolized our "First Married Valentine's Day".
 I thought it was a super cute idea.

The day was a little rough.  I was alone with my thoughts.  I hated being alone but tried to get used to it because I knew Nick would be busy studying when he got home.  Luckily these two were super cuddly all day and made things a little bit more bearable!

Nick got home that evening, and I gave him his homemade gifts.  We each similarly addressed our cards which I thought was cute!

Then I showed him what else I had made for him, from the leftovers of the Giant Kiss

Heart-Shaped Rice Krispie Treats

Then Nick told me he was making dinner and I was banned from the kitchen.  For a while I was sitting in the living room.  Dinner smelled delicious. When I commented on it and started guessing, he banished me to the bedroom.
When he finally came to get me, the house was dark, except for 3 tiny heart-shaped candles on a heart shaped plate with little stones all around it!!!

He took my hand and led me out to the table, pulled out my chair, then pushed it in as I sat down.
I was so shocked at dinner.  Nick LOATHES Italian food.  And he absolutely despises cheese.  It's so sad because cheese is my absolute favorite thing ever.  [I add it to or on top of everything.  Cheese instantly makes anything 100 times more tasty!]  And alfredo sauce is my all time favorite.  But I never have it unless we go to a restaurant that has it =(  But tonight, Nick made Parmesan Chicken and Fettuccine Alfredo.  Two things that contain cheese....two things Nick does not like, especially the fettuccine alfredo!  But he made it because he knows I like it.  AND he even ate it!
Along with the dinner, he also had two glasses of Pinot Grigio poured for us.

[Of course LMS had to make sure I didn't 100% enjoy my evening with my Husband.  Had to make sure I remembered it.  I had to make two separate trips to the restroom during dinner, each episode lasting about 10 minutes.  My dear sweet husband... he wouldn't eat while I was in the restroom.  Even though his food ended up as cold as mine, he didn't care.  {But he does this every single day, not just on Valentine's Day.}  So that kind of put a damper on dinner.

After dinner, I took to the couch to watch some television, drink more wine, and share with my pups ;)

Yadi does not like any sort of alcohol...no liquor, no beer, no wine.  Vino, on the other hand, is true to her name.  She LOVES wine.  She can sniff it out.  If a glass is anywhere near reach, she's over there trying to get it in...or licking furiously from the outside as if it's a Tootsie Pop and she'll eventually make her way to the inside.
Then we each had a little cuddle time with our pups

Then it was study time for Nick, but he didn't end up studying too long.  Wine, well really any alcohol, makes him really sleepy.
So it was off to the bedroom for some cuddle time!


This Valentine's Day was perfect.  It's the little things.  Breakfast and dinner.  Those take time and effort.  Nick did something he doesn't normally do, and it was all for me.  Something a little more than the norm to show how much he Loves me.  I'm fortunate enough to have a Husband that does these little things for me more often than just on holidays.  THOSE are the types of things that mean the world to me.  These simple, small gestures are the things I love as "gifts".  I never have been and never will be a material girl.  Keep your Tiffany's, Michael Kors, Coach, etc.  I don't need or want those things (seriously, keep them...MK and Coach are just hideous wastes of money (in my opinion) and Tiffany's doesn't make anything that special!)

I know everyone says it, but I have the best husband ever.  Our first Valentine's Day as Husband and Wife was a great one.  Nick, nor anyone, will ever erase my bad memories of this day.  All I can ask is that he distracts my mind from it.  And he has done just that today =)  I am beyond blessed for the amazing man in my life.  The one who will do anything and everything for me.  I'm not sure how I got so lucky but I don't question it ;)  I'm so happy to have married my best friend.  I'm happy to know I have him to help distract me every February 14th from here on out!  I LOVE YOU, NICHOLAS!!!

My Heart is Still in St. Louis

Well, I'm back home.  Home as in Florida that is.

I have mixed feelings about it.  I'll be honest, I didn't really miss Nick.  Does this make me a bad wife??  Maybe.  It's not that I don't Love him.  It's not that at all.  And although I've been with him consistently for 8 months, what's "normal" for us is to not see each other for 3-6 months at a time.  We did that for four and a half years.  So not seeing him for 8 days wasn't really that big of a deal.  (And he felt the same way.  When I asked him, "Do you miss me?", his reply was, "Ummm...not really."  lol so I didn't feel as badly.)
[But I also think my not really missing Nick stems from the fact that my mind and heart and emotions are 100% on my Grandfather.]
The times I did miss him were when I simply needed a hug.  Anytime you go through something hard, such as this surgery with Grandpa, you want those you're closest to there for you.  For me, I wanted my best friend...my husband.  It would have been nice to have Nick to lean on.  To cry to him that first night we left Grandpa.  That was the hardest.  It was also hard to leave Saturday night....saying goodbye to Grandpa...and Grandma.  I wish I could have had Nick to lean on and cry.


Last night was hard.  I stayed at the hospital with Grandma until about 8:45pm.  Then Grandma decided it was time to leave.  The entire time she was packing up all of her stuff, Grandpa was lying in bed.  Very quiet.  His face looked tense.  Once coats were on, I walked to the side of the bed.  He started crying.  I tried to hold my tears back.  I did not want to leave him.  I know he'll be okay.  But I had an amazing week with my Grandparents.  It's not ideal but I can't recall the last time I spent so much time with them.  I hate that I can't spend time with them often anymore.  As they are aging, our time is limited.  I think we all know this.  I think this is why the goodbye was upsetting.  Grandpa thanked me for coming and I told him not to thank me.  I would have walked there if that's what I had to do.  My family is one of the most important things in my life and my place was next to his bed, with the rest of my family.  I was happy to be able to be there.  Thankful to be able to spend 14 hours everyday sitting in his room.  And I'm thankful he's recovered so well!  It did make leaving easier knowing he will be okay and he should be going home soon.

Last night, I was upset.  I didn't want to leave my family.  I love them all so much and love being home.  Thankfully, my mother slept with me that night =)  Helped calm my mind and allowed me to get a little sleep.

We woke up at 3:30am and headed to the airport.  Saying goodbye to my mom and sister just gets harder.  [Which I should have expected because my goodbyes with Nick only got harder over the years.]
I walked through security with tears streaming down my face and I'm sure everyone thought I was an idiot.  I just wish more than anything that we could move back to St. Louis to be near my family.  I miss them more than I could ever express.  But I don't want to get into that...I don't need to have the ugly cry going on right now.

I landed in Pensacola late morning and Nick was there.  He hugged me for such a long time and it felt so good.  That's the comforting hug I'd been wanting all week.  I felt badly that I wasn't more excited to see him.  I was excited to see him.  Hugging him made me realize that I did miss him but my heart was still in St. Louis with my Grandpa.  I still wanted to be by his side.

We got home and I was SO freaking excited to see my pups!!!!!!  We had webcammed one night while I was at home and Yadi was jumping on the desk and so excited to see me.  I couldn't wait to get them out of the crates and love on them!
Their love and kisses and excitement were just what I needed.  It took them about 15 minutes to calm down but I didn't care. I missed these crazy kids so much!

Unfortunately Nick had to leave as soon as we got home for a study group.  I was beyond tired seeing as I only got 3 hours of sleep last night.  I decided to spoil the dogs (and myself) so we went in Guest Bedroom #2 and all climbed in bed (this is the bed they are allowed to sleep in, only with our permissions...such as after their surgical procedures or a night we just want to cuddle.  But know this is the ONLY bed they are allowed on and never get on the other two beds in the house.)  We all climbed in bed and took a nap together.  And it felt so great!

So that's my update.  I'm home.  I'm happy to be surrounded by my husband and my dogs.
But I'm missing my Grandpa and the rest of my family so much.  I just can't wait until he's home and feeling 100% back to his old self.  I cannot wait until I get to go home and see him again!....whenever that may be!

Hospital Living

I've spent 14 hours a day up here with my Grandparents.  I can't tell you how much I've enjoyed it.  Sure, it's not the ideal situation.  But Grandpa has been healing at lightning speed!  The doctors are just amazed!  He's 81 and doing SO much better than patients MUCH younger than him.  I think it's safe to say I get my strength and will to fight from him ;)

You'd think just sitting around all day wouldn't make you tired.  But sitting in a hospital for 14 hours a day is one of the most draining and taxing things on the body.  I will say that emotional exhaustion is far worse (in my opinion) than physical exhaustion.  And that's what this week was.  Even after I'd come home and literally crash into bed, I couldn't sleep.  My mind was racing too much (I get this worrisome, anxious trait from my mother, who gets it from her mother.)  Which just made each day more and more tiresome.

I get to the hospital, pending which day, between 7am and 8:30am (and leave every night between 9:30pm-10:30pm)  I head straight up to Grandpa's ICU room.  Most mornings Grandma is already here.  We sit and talk.  About anything and everything.  The hospital has wireless internet but they are having problems with the modem off and on so I don't really get my laptop out.  I spend my time doing various things...reading Hunger Games, journaling, and talking.  Actually, reading and journaling only consume about 10% of my time here.  The other 90% we just talk.
I wish I could video tape all of it.  I wish I could relive it all.  At night, I am too tired to journal in detail.  I just hit the main points. My mind is too tired to think and recall all the conversations, and my body is too tired to write it all.
We've been reminiscing about all of our memories.  Grandpa and Grandma are shocked I remember as much as I do.
We talked about my childhood obsession with my pillow.  Neither of them remember how I happened across it.  We assume when I was little, we came in town to visit and they let me use this pillow and I just became attached.  It was Grandpa's small down-filled Navy issued pillow.  It's the most comfortable thing ever.  I absolutely had to have this thing to sleep.  I recalled one time we left it in St. Louis and my grandparents had to one day ship it to us in Illinois...I was a mess without that thing.  And I still have it =)  I can sleep without it and don't cry if I don't have it, but I still love that pillow.  I find it comfortable but I think I love it more for the memories =)
We also talked about all the places they used to take us to eat.  The way Leah could never pronounce Gingham's.  The giant checkerboard game in Cracker Barrel and how they were the ones who taught me how to play, in that very "store".  Just so many memories we shared.

I listened to more stories about their childhood.  Grandpa and his siblings visiting the farm every summer.  Their courtship, engagement, and young married life.  Stories of my mother and her three siblings.  Stories of my childhood or my siblings that I dont' remember.  It was just a great time!  A lot of the stories I had heard before but I love hearing them.  They never get old.

Being cooped up in the hospital really wasn't bad.  It helps when you have great company.  But another huge help was this particular hospital.  It's only a few years old.  It's built so nicely and very accommodating.  Every single room is a private room.  A HUGE private room.  Grandpa was in ICU immediately after his surgery but once he was not longer in ICU, he still got to stay in this room.  No room changes.  It was nice.  Check out how spacious and nice these rooms are.  Every single room in this hospital looks like this.  (My mother was also in a room like this after he parathyroidectomy and her fake-stroke/Bell's Palsy)

This is the view standing in the doorway.  Each room has a nice sized television.
There is also a DVD player if you want to bring in your own OR you can visit the concierge's desk
and borrow one (no cost or anything).  They have about 50 to choose from!
Behind that curtain are more cabinets, one hides a small refrigerator for guests to put
their drinks or food in.  There is also a safe in one so you can lock valuables.  You open
and close it with a credit card so no one can "guess" your passcode.
That long bench is VERY comfy and we took a few naps on it.
Each room also has it's own thermostat so you can have your room
whatever temperature you like!

View from the other side, in front of the window.  This small love seat actually
transforms into a bed!  You push the 'unlock' button on the bottom, and slide the far arm
out towards the door.  Then the cushion folds out towards the door (right now it's folded
on top of itself, making it twice as thick.).  It's about 6'0 long when it's pulled out.
Which is great because it can make for additional seating.  The nurses will also provide
pillows and blankets for guests taking a nap or spending the night.
In this hospital, they allow guests to spend the night in the rooms, even ICU
rooms, with the doctors permission.  [Grandpa wasn't allowed guests for long periods of time
and no overnight guests for his first 2 nights.]

I'm standing a little to the side of the television.
That door to my Grandpa's left is the bathroom which is HUGE!
It has a toilet, sink, and a pretty large shower!
To the left is the nurse's station where they have their computers.
Underneath the desk is a small door.  They order the medicines and the pharmacy
actually sends them up to this compartment, similar to the drive-thru's at the bank!
It's so neat!!!

This hospital ONLY had nurses on three-12 hour days.  It's really nice because for the first three days, we had the same two nurses.  They worked 7am-7pm and 7pm-7am.  It was great because you could really get to know them and trust them.  Not to mention these nurses were so amazing!  I wish this would have been how Wash u/Barnes was.  I felt like in my 14 days there I NEVER had the same nurse.  And a lot were there strictly to do their job.  They didn't really care about me, just their paycheck.  But Grandpa's nurses seemed to really care.  I loved it!

As for food, I love how they do it.  Their menu for patients is HUGE!!!!  Each patient is given 3 meals a day.  There's no specific time.  So you call whenever you want breakfast and order.  You tell them your room number and what you want.  If you can't have something because of a specific diet, they tell you so and you choose something else.  And then your food is in your room within 30 minutes! When I was in the hospital, you got MAYBE two choices, and it was brought to you at the same time every day.  I hated it.  (Then again, I ate nothing but Jell-O, pudding, and beef or chicken broth for 12 straight days before the started letting me have something a little more solid.)

The cafeteria was also really, really nice!  The best I've seen.  They had a real pizza oven for made to order pizzas.  Chicken wing bar with different flavors of wings.  A grill with fish sandwiches, burgers, chicken, hotdogs, etc.  A huge salad bar with salad fixings but also a few different pasta salads.  A dessert bar.  A deli meat bar.  Many different soups.  And at both lunch and dinner they have about 6 fancy entrees (panko crusted tiliapia, chicken in white wine sauce with mushrooms, etc.)  The food was GOOD!
And inexpensive.  For instance, one morning, I got scrambled eggs, breakfast potatoes, two pieces of toast, and a carton of milk and it cost me $3.20.
One night for dinner Grandma and I each got a burger and fries, plus she got a salad and I got pasta salad.  We each got a soda and she got an apple dumpling.  The total for both of our meals was $5.75!

This hospital is amazing!  They are so friendly, so accommodating, the food is good, and the nurses and doctors are AMAZING!

I'm thankful the hospital was so nice otherwise 14 hours in a tiny room, with a roommate and awful might have made it complete unbearable!

Grandpa's Heart Surgery

Half of my readers are my family…immediate, close, and extended.  This blog’s audience and purpose has changed since it was started in 2004.  Now, it’s a means to keep in contact with my family (and close friends).  Let them into my daily life, thoughts, important happenings, etc. 

As almost anyone reading this knows, my Grandfather had heart surgery on Monday.  I don’t mind giving details about MY health and life and things that closely pertain to me.  But you don’t need all the details of my Grandpa.  If you’re family, then you know it all.  Because every single family member (even 4^th cousins) have called to check in on him.

So here’s the brief summary.
Before Christmas we learned Grandpa needed is aortic valve replaced. 
It wasn’t anything too pressing and they were willing to wait a month or so. 
Then on January 31^st Grandpa had a cardiac cath and we found out one of his arteries was pretty severely blocked. 
Things were suddenly much, much more serious.  The surgery was scheduled for the next possible opening, Monday the 6^th.

My Grandfather means the world to me.  If you personally know me, then you know how close my family is.  I am very much like my Grandfather.  I get all of my athleticism from him.  Half of my quirks and humor are from him (the other half from Grandma's randomness....the same randomness that makes me who I am.)  I could go on and on about this man but if you've met him, then you know how amazing of a man he is.
Because of this I knew I had to come home.  As with any heart surgery, it's risky.  Factor in his age (he's over 80 years old)and what he needed done, and it becomes even more risky.  I could not bear the thought of life without my Grandfather.  But I knew it was a possibility.  Therefore I wanted to be home.  I would NEVER forgive myself if something happened to him and I was not here.
So although the surgery was just a week away and tickets were obnoxiously priced, we found the means to get me home.  [Thank the Lord for my amazing and loving husband who understood how important it was for me to be home with my Grandpa and my family.  I know he wished he could have been here as well.]

I flew home Saturday afternoon and spent quite a few hours at my Grandparent's house visiting with them.  I love those two so much!
[My brother also came in town so it was wonderful to be able to see him too!  I love that kid a lot too but you all know that by now!]

Monday morning we all arrived at the hospital.  (By we all, I mean my parents, my brother and I, 2 uncles and 3 aunts.  We're a close family...I'm telling ya!)  Grandpa was taken back for pre-op at 8:58am (talk about effient!  He wasn't even scheduled until 9am!  When does that happen?!)  Pre-op took about 2 hours.  In this time, they allowed us all back in the room.  Right before it was time to say our goodbye to him, we all gathered together and prayed together.
Prayer....what a powerful thing.  During the prayer, I could feel my body relaxing.  Afterwards, it seemed the room was rid of all tension.  Everyone seemed a bit calmer.  Especially Grandpa.  We all hugged him and kissed him goodbye (and if you know my family, you know we all had tears in our eyes....because we're criers) and left Grandma alone with him.

Immediately after, they moved us up to the 3rd floor of the main hospital, into the ICU waiting room.  We took over that place!  And those of the family who had to work came to the hospital afterwards.

It was a long day.  Thank goodness for the family I have.  We are a fun and loud group.  We were able to use our humor and love to help us through the day.  We all brought laptops, books, work, etc to do for the many hours we were there.  .......And none of us did any of it.  We just talked and laughed.  Kept it all light-hearted.  Kept us all smiling and laughing.  Defense-mechanism?  Denial?  Maybe.  Probably.  But it worked.  We weren't worked up or in tears or pacing.  There were moments of silence and that's when you knew we were all wondering and thinking the same thing...worrying.  But we kept each other laughing and smiling and I am forever grateful for them.
We were just our usual loud, obnoxious, laughing family.  And I know that's how Grandpa would have wanted it.

Finally, at 4pm the doctor came to talk to us.  Surgery went well and even finished an hour before we were told it would!  We learned that part of Grandpa's issue was congenital.  He was actually born with this defective aortic valve.  About 5% of people are born this way but most of them have their valve give out and cause issues in their 50's.  So the doctor was very impressed that his heart lasted 30 years past when it should have!!!

Here's my healthy heart plug.  EXERCISE!  My Grandpa has always led a clean lifestyle....no smoking, no drugs, and he constantly exercises.  He played soccer and softball into his 40's, he still bowls on a league and golfs regularly.  He's been healthy until now.  People who know him cannot believe that he's in his 80's.  He's a very "young" old man.

About an hour and a half after we saw the doctor, Grandpa was in his room and we were allowed to see him, but only two at a time, and for only 10 minutes.
It was so hard to see him in this state.  [However, he did look a million times better Grandma did years ago.  Granted, she did have a heart attack.]  Seeing anyone in this state breaks my heart, even random people on television and in movies, but seeing my own strong, happy Grandfather....it was hard to take.  I just wanted him to open his eyes and smile.  I wanted to know that we were in the clear and didn't need to worry anymore.

From early evening until about 10:30pm, we were all in and out of his ICU room.  Grandma stayed in and the rest of us took turns being the second person in there.

We all finally left about 10:30pm and I'm sure not a single one of us slept that night.



All week, I came in to the hospital between 7am-8am and spent the entire day there with Grandma and Grandpa.  I leave at night between 9pm-10:30pm.  The rest of my family has jobs so they are obviously not there all day.  Grandma and Grandpa don't have the best of hearing.  So on top of keeping them company, I'm also serving as the ears in the room.  I make sure to write down anything important that the doctor or nurses say and I also text all my aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, and my parents with any new updates.  (
I'm very grateful to be able to be here to help out.  It's the least I can do for all the days he sat with me in the hospital after my surgery (when his own wife was in the hospital for a knee replacement surgery) and all the days he sat with me during chemo. Not to mention everything else he's done for my in my life.
I know my family is also very thankful I'm here to sit with them.
It's the least I can do for every single thing my grandparents have done for me.  It's also so nice to sit with them for 14 hours a day.  To hear stories, new and old, about their childhood, my mothers childhood, and stories about my childhood.  I've really enjoyed my time with them.  It might not be the ideal situation but I'm enjoying it none the less.


I'll tell you one thing, this.is.exhausting.  I know all I do is sit for 14 hours in the hospital.  But it has to be one of the most exhausting things ever.  It's so draining.  It's incredibly taxing on the mind.  Which then creates exhaustion on the body.  I'm just so tense and stressed.
I go home and just collapse into bed.  Yet I can't sleep.  I'm so anxious and stressed that I can't fall asleep.  When I finally fall asleep, it's not a deep sleep.  I wake up the next morning feeling so completely unrested.
(My mom even said sitting at the hospital all day Monday was more tiring that going to work all day AND sitting at the hospital the rest of the week.)

But it's worth it.  All of it.  Grandpa is worth ever single bit of it.  


As for the update on him:  He's doing FANTASTIC!  He's progressing so quickly!  The doctors and nurses are completely amazed at how well he's doing and in such a quick time.  They said even their MUCH younger patients don't do this well.  He's such a strong man!  What a boss!!

So there you have it.  The low down on Grandpa.
The low down on what I'm doing here.

Time is going by too quickly.  I leave early [very early] on Sunday so I need to soak up all the family time I can!

I want to thank you all.  I am so incredibly grateful for my friends.  It's times like these that you find out who truly cares about you.  I had friends texting/Facebooking/emailing me all day Monday to get updates on Grandpa's surgery.  And then again over the next few days wanting to know how he was doing, how I was doing.  If there were anything they could do.  Anything they could bring by the hospital.  I cannot tell you how grateful I am for each and every one of you.  It truly means so much to me.  Thank you.  Your prayers and thoughts have helped Grandpa, myself, and my family so much.  I love you all!  ...obviously you all know who you are ;)