Jaxon: 5 Months

Height & Weight:  There was no doctor appointment this month, so I'm not too positive.  I stood on the scale holding him, then subtracted my weight with him from my weight without him and it's showing he's about 15 pounds.
I didn't even attempt to measure his height because this is what he does all day long.  Still.

Routine:  It's still the same.  Jaxon leads the routine.  He nurses when he's hungry, sleeps when he's tired, and plays in between.  They usually fall around the same time everyday but there's no guarantee.  He usually wakes up for the day around 9am and goes down for bed around 8pm.

Sleeping:  I'm not sure if we hit the 4 month sleep regression or if Jaxon was just thrown off without Nick here.  The day Nick left, he was waking every 1.5 hours from the time he went down until he was awake for the day.  But then Nick came back and he was sleeping a 5-6 hour stretch, followed by a 3 hour stretch, followed by a 2 hour stretch, then up for the day.  I truly (want to) hope it was just coincidence, because if he's going to sleep like crap while Nick is gone, I'm in for a world of trouble.  Nick will be gone more than he's home from now until next summer and then next summer he deploys for a long time.
Jaxon is still on his obnoxous routine of his short nap routine until about 11pm and then going down for long stretches at night.  He's done this since he was born.  Doesn't matter what I do....starting bedtime earlier, starting his day earlier, prolonging last nap, extending last nap, shortening last nap, etc etc etc.  Tried everything.  His internal clock just tells him that midnight is bedtime.  Can I blame him?  Not really.  I think he learned it from us, because Nick and I are night owls.  The only reason it bothers me is because of his cat naps during the day, and his waking all evening, I don't have any time for myself.  None.  It's draining.  So incredibly draining.
This past week, he's been on a sleep strike from 9pm-11pm.  He will wake up somewhere between 9:00pm-9:30pm. Some nights he's just content to talk and laugh and other nights he will scream and cry and fight sleep until about 11pm.  No amount of nursing, rocking, shhhh-ing, bouncing, singing, etc works.  Want to help?  Send wine.
Here's one of those nights where he's just entertaining himself instead of sleeping at 10pm.

About halfway through this month, Jaxon stopped nursing to sleep for naps and it's so sad.  I loved holding him in my arms, staring at that sweet face during the day.  He will nurse until he's drowsy, then pull off, fuss, and thrash about.  If I walk into the bedroom, lay his Zippadee Zip out and put him in it, the moment I start to zip it up, he's all smiles.  I pick him up, pace the room singing his naptime songs, then kiss, lay him down, and he talks to himself and goes to sleep within 5 minutes.  It's so sad.  I'm happy he loves his Zippy but it makes me sad that he prefers his Zippy and bed (Pack N Play in our bedroom still) to me or the boob.  I hope he still nurses to sleep at night for a little while longer.  I'm not willing to let go of those snuggles.  Thankfully he doesn't seem to go to sleep any other way at night than nursing.  Here are some of our last snuggles (thank goodness I take so many pics!) and Jax sleeping in one of his beloved Zippies

Diet/Eating:  Still 100% nursing.  He used to get my breastmilk in a bottle, but the last time Nick tried to give him one when I was out with my girlfriends for dinner, Jaxon fought the bottle.  Of the 5 oz, Nick said he ate maybe 1 oz.  He would suck for a second, but then let it dribble out of his mouth.  It's kind of frustrating, because that means I can't be away from him for more than a few hours, and sometimes I just love my time out with my girls.  It also means future date nights will be short too.  We even bought faster flow nipples thinking that might be the issue, but it didn't seem to make a difference.
I'm just frustrated because sometimes it's nice to have a break.  I love being able to nurse Jaxon, but sometimes it's exhausting to be the one on call all the time.  Nick would sometimes get up early with Jaxon and give him a bottle to let me sleep in.  Or he would send me to bed early or let me take a nap during the day and he'd take care of Jaxon.  Those days are over.
(I was hoping the strike wasn't the bottle as much as the milk.  Nick used frozen breastmilk from June and I know a woman's milk changes over time to meet the needs of the baby.  So my hope was just that he didn't like that milk because it's so different than my milk supply now.  But I pumped and immediately gave him that milk in a bottle and the same thing.  He chewed on it like a toy, spitting half of the milk out.  But as soon as I gave up and popped him on my boob, he chowed down.)

Health:  He's a happy and healthy boy!  He's had a cough for a little while, but nothing else.  No runny nose or congestion.  He's not fussy and no fever.  I've heard from a number of people that babies can get cold like symptoms when they're teething.  To which I should say, I think he's teething so maybe that's the cough?


Movement:  You'd think I fed my kid sugar cubes with the way he moves.  Which is always and with a fierceness that's kind of scary.  Even he seems shocked by his movements.  Take a look!

Mood:  Jaxon is a really happy baby.  Until 9pm rolls around then, not so much.  He's happy from the time he wakes up until about 7pm.  Then he gets slightly fussy because it's time for bed.  Then he wakes back up at 9pm, and sometimes he's not so happy.  While it's frustrating, I can't be too mad since he's great the rest of the day.  I mean, during the day he'll start to fuss when he's hungry or tired.  But that lasts a whole 2 minutes before he gets his Zippy for naptime or a boob for food.  As I mentioned above, he's not bad at night, it's just exhausting and frustrating to have him awake so long when I just want a little time to take a break from being Mom since I really don't see to get one unless Nick is home (which isn't much...and he doesn't have a boob soooooooo, it's still usually me if Jaxon is awake).  But over all, he's the happiest little kid all day long and I would gladly take the gig we have now over dealing with a crabby baby during the day.

Sizes: Jaxon is in 3-6 month and 3 month clothing from Carters.  He can wear 6 month; it's not too big but the 3 month still fit him well.  He's in 0-3 month pants and shorts still but they're highwaters.  If we go up a size, they fall off his tiny waist.
While we're on the subject of clothes, can we talk about shoes?  How the eff do you get babies feet in shoes?!  They're too tight to get his foot in!!!  I understand they need to be snug to stay on, but I can't even get his feet in them!!  I can't seem to get the heel down!!  What's the trick?  I know it's not too small because if I go with the next size up, there a LOT of room in front of his toe.  I need some tips otherwise Jaxon won't be in shoes until he's two years old.  I have lots of practice with that age and shoes.

Likes:
-  His Mizzou Tigers.  I set him down to go to the kitchen and when I returned, he was fixated on the game.  I couldn't break this stare.  He will look at the tv when it's on, but he's not usually locked in on it like this unless it's Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (a mama sometimes needs a distraction so she can put the laundry away or cook dinner since this kid only naps 20 minutes) and now apparently, Mizzou.

-  Speaking of Mickey, he loves him.  We were in the Disney store and I was in line to check out, holding Jaxon as we were awaiting the start of storytime.  There was a large stand packed perfectly full (because they had JUST opened) of stuffed toys.  Jaxon grabs a Mickey (knocking about 6 more to the ground).  I take Mickey and put him back.  Jaxon screams and reaches out for Mickey.  Surely he's too young to recognize Mickey from the four episodes he's watched.  I pull him back out and Jaxon smiles so big and stops crying.  I take it away, he screams.  Looks like I'm buying Mickey.  Does this really start this early?!  How on earth does he recognize him AND throw a fit over him at just 4.5 months old???  Either way, mama gave in.  But he LOVES him!

-  He has discovered his feet and loves them.  What started out as just always grabbing them has now turned into always sucking on them.  Actually, just the right.  He only sucks on the right foot.  Mainly just that big toe ;)

Jaxon loves to stand up.  If you hold his hands, he will push himself up.  He's got some strong little legs!!

He loves to read and now even helps hold the book!

His love of sucking on his fist has now turned to sucking on his fingers.  Thankfully he hasn't discovered the ease of sucking his thumb.  

He loves his Oball.  So much that we've bought a few more so we always have one in the house and one in the diaper bag.  He is always holding this ball and if he falls asleep in his car seat (whether in the car or his stroller), you can be certain he's asleep with a grip on this ball.
His dogs.  Jaxon really noticed the pups now and is always smiling when he sees them and reaches out for them when they walk by or get close.  He laughs when Yadi licks and cleans him.  I'm excited when he's older because I'm sure they're all going to be the best of friends.
Jaxon loves to kick the changing "table" part of his Pack n Play.  When he wakes up from naps, he will turn and scoot himself into this position so he can just kick at it.  When you walk in the room to get him after a nap or in the morning, you'll see the changing table moving up and down as he's having a blast just kicking away at it.

Dislikes:
-  The hours of 9:00pm to 12:00am.  He cries (and screams) and fights sleep between those hours.  THAT is his witching hour now.
-  Changing clothes.  I truly can't understand why he hates this but he hates when you have to put his arms in sleeves or take them out of the sleeves.
- Being in his car seat and not moving for more than 3 minutes.  Whether its in the car or the stroller, you better be moving otherwise he starts fussing.  If we're in Target and I've stopped to look at something, I better be moving that stroller back and forth or hear him fuss.  In the car, he's okay at stop lights as long as it's not too long of a light.  Talk about high maintenance!


Milestones:
-  He now laughs often.  Well, not laugh but chuckles.  He truly is Nick.  Nick will smile a lot, as Jaxon does, and he'll give a little chuckle, but to get a good laugh out of Nick is difficult.  And that seems to be the case with Jaxon.
-  Jaxon has finally rolled belly to back. He's done a few times but now that he doesn't hate tummy time anymore (thank goodness), he's actually content to lay on his belly and just look around.

-  This is more of a milestone for ME, but we survived our first separation from Nick.  He was gone for a couple of weeks on training so it was just me and the Jax Man!

-  I guess his standing is a milestone too.  He is always pulling up on our hands and standing on his own.
-  He's getting better about grabbing objects and bringing them to his mouth.  He's just very recently learning to grab large objects with both hands, but lifting those objects and bringing them to his mouth is still a task for him.  (He loves to grab my water bottles and bring them to his mouth).
-  Jaxon now not only tolerates tummy time, but sometimes even enjoys it!!!  Before, if you would put him on his belly, he was instantly freeze and scream.  He was slowly getting better but now he will stay on his belly for quite a while and even have fun!

Things That I Don't Want to Forget:
- Nursing him to sleep at night.  This month, he stopped liking nursing to sleep during naps and I miss those snuggles so much.  I loved sitting and watching him sleep, curled up in my arms.  Now, I don't really get that because once he's asleep, I put him in his bed so I can go to sleep.  Now that the nap nursing is gone, I make sure to be 100% engaged (just watching the sweet boy) nurse at night because I don't know when he'll want to stop and put himself to sleep as he does with naps now.

-  His new noises.  It's as if each month he discovers some new noise he can make.  This month, he learned to do this choking/coughing/gagging noise.  It's so odd but he does it all the time now!

-  Jaxon is so curious.  His eyes are always wide, his head is always moving around looking around, his brows are always furrowed as he's trying to figure things out.  He loves new sights and could just sit on your lap and watch the world around him all day.  I love his sweet, innocent, curious face.

-  I love the way his hair parts during bathtime.  Wherever the water hits when we pour it over his head, his hair parts and it's far too cute.

-  I love how sweet he looks in his car seat when he's napping.  Just so precious!

Mama Update:  Mama is doing so much better!!!!  My anxiety and blues have been kept at bay.  It's been a complete 180 and I am so thankful!  Jaxon and I have been hanging out with friends more, although not enough in my opinion.  I try to do lunch or brunch with one friend a week.  And maybe twice a week, Jaxon and I get out and wander around somewhere, whether it's grocery shopping, just browsing Town Center or Hobby Lobby.  It helps to make the days when Nick is gone not seem as though they are crawling by.  We also take lots of selfies.

My energy is also back!  My weight still isn't up despite my better sleep, less stress and anxiety, and tons of protein intake so that's still concerning, but I'm happy my energy is back.  That was making life far too difficult.  I've even begun working out again and it feels great.  For now, I'm easing back in because my stamina and strength is GONE!  It takes nothing for me to be out of breath and my arms and legs burning and unable to move the next day.  For now, I work out, at home, three days a week and will slowly increase the exercises (weight, reps, length, etc).  I get really discouraged with how weak my body became, but I guess it makes sense considering I had to stop physical activity at only 16 weeks.  So it's been a LONG time since I've done anything more than just brisk walks.  I'm talking, 10 months!


Daddy Update:  As I mentioned, Nick has been gone quite a bit.  I know he hates having to be gone, especially when he misses milestones like Jaxon's laughing and rolling over (which he refuses to do when Nick is home).  We're trying to squeeze in as much family time as we can before he leaves again.
Jaxon is Nick's mini-me.  Not just with the hard to make laugh thing, but in looks.  Here he is, Under Armour sporting, furrowed brow wearing, resting dick face wearing Mini Nick.

Doggie Update:
Vino is getting a lot more comfortable with Jaxon.  When we come home, I set Jaxon's car seat down and Vino will run to him, give him a quick lick and then run to get a toy and greet Nick and I.  She's also laying and sitting much closer to him.  He absolutely loves her and when she rests her head in my lap while he's sitting with me, he will reach out and grab her ear or face and she doesn't back away anymore.  She doesn't cuddle with him, but just tolerates his presence when she cuddles with us.  Before, she wouldn't let him touch her and would choose the parent that didn't have Jaxon to cuddle with.

Yadi is the same.  Loving him, licking him, always by him.
Both of the girls think they need to babysit him if I walk away.  It's cute.

What we did this month:
-  Jaxon enjoyed his first zoo trip!  And Jaxon got his first tiger :)
-  We've begun shopping for cold weather gear and clothes since we're traveling home a few times this winter and Lord knows it gets crazy cold in Missouri!
-  Jaxon and I go out and about, shopping, browsing, and he's such a happy, little trooper.  Best shopping buddy ever!
-  We had a few baby playdates.  One morning we gathered a friends' house for coffee, mimosas (or just straight up champagne), and breakfast.  The babes were too cute! (Their faces are blurred because it's not my place to put their kids on the internet).  Another time a few squadron wives and I gathered together for a slumber party since our husbands were gone.  Once the kids were asleep, we had a few drinks and played some games.  Other days we meet friends for lunch, brunch, or just hanging out at their house for dinner or drinks.
-  Jaxon got to send a special little message to his Grandma and Grandpa for Grandparents Day

My Decision to Become a Stay At Home Mom (...for now)

If you saw my earlier post, then you know I've decided to be a stay at home mom (SAHM)...for now.
I want to give a huge thank you to everyone that offered such kind words because while the decision was very easy, publicly admitting it is difficult.  Far too many people have an opinion on the matter.  You get those that think going back to work is the best thing for you and your family.  Then you get those that think staying home is the best thing for you and your family.  This is a personal decision, and I don't feel anyone should be judged for the decision they make.  I'm always puzzled why others think THEY know what is best for OTHERS and THEIR family.

That being said, I know that I owe no one an explanation on why we made this decision.  However, you all know I'm an open book and don't mind sharing (most) situations and experiences in my life.  I've also had a few pregnant mama friends ask if I wouldn't mind sharing our reasons and thought process as they themselves are trying to make the decision.

There was one main factor: jobs.  Both mine and Nick's.

As many of you know I loved my job.  What you don't know is that I loved the cause of my organization, I loved my volunteers, and I loved dedicating my time to fighting cancer.  Sadly, that was not enough to combat the work environment and some of those above me.  I do not want to bash anyone because I believe their truly kind-hearted people, but they're job is make sure I make the organization money.  They are running a business and that's the priority.  Unfortunately, that came across in a far from pleasant way.  I was in tears far too many nights, there was zero motivation, successes were overlooked, expectations & goals were beyond unrealistic, and nothing was ever good enough.  There were many times I wanted to quit and even more times Nick wanted me to quit.  While I loved so many things about the job, the way we were treated wasn't worth it.  It was affecting who I was and was putting me in a bad place.  Being pregnant, finding another job wasn't going to be easy, and I wouldn't be eligible for maternity leave.  So I stayed.
(This is no reflection of the organization itself.  It was only about those who were in my division.  Everyone has different management styles and different ways they operate.  Unfortunately, those above me (not my immediate manager who was the best I've ever had), did not have the qualities that make any manager or company worth working for.)
The job was HARD.  So incredibly hard.   It was honestly far too much for one person.  (There's a reason my position has a turnover rate of about 15 months).  I wasn't sleeping.  I was always stressing out about something.  I would get so stressed during busy season (which was the end of January through the end of May) that I was getting sick.  Physically ill.   Remember my cancer scare? All due to the stress of the job.  Granted, my immune system sucks (thanks cancer), and stress affects me more than others, but the stress was not worth what it was doing to my body.

After Jaxon was born and time was closing in on maternity leave ending, we began talking about my job.  As many of you know, my job consumed a lot of my time.  I worked all day, driving from meeting to meeting to the office to another meeting.  I traveled all over two different counties.  Monday through Thursday I usually had evening meetings.  Depending on the time of the meeting and where it was, more often than not, I was not getting home until somewhere between 8:30pm-9:30pm.  Even then, I would sometimes have volunteers calling me, and often I'd have more work to do once I was home.  While I wasn't required to work weekends, my volunteers were still calling.  I could ignore them, and explain that weekends I'm off and want to spend time with my family, but I was still met with annoyance and hostility from some.  And being a workaholic, perfectionist, and people-pleaser, I would usually answer their calls and texts.  Sunday nights I was usually back on my laptop doing work, preparing for the workweek.
(Not to mention, where would I pump? I spend 80% of my working hours out of the office; in a car, in Starbucks, Panera, or other random restaurants or meeting rooms in companies.  None of those are conducive to pumping.  And even if I did pump in any of them, where am I storing my breastmilk during those 12-14 hour days??  I was not willing to stop nursing because of my job).

How could I do this job with a baby?  I would need childcare for 50-60 hours a week.  Figuring out how much I would pay childcare for the day plus a nanny for the evening OR a nanny for all 12-14 hours a day was enough to give us a heart attack.  Working for a nonprofit organization, I'm not making the big bucks.  At the end of it all, I wouldn't be bringing home much money.

However, I do like to be busy and out of the house and working.  I'm not normally one to enjoy not working.  But the main issue is how much my job would keep me away from Jaxon.  With my schedule, I would only truly see and interact with him when getting him ready to leave the house each weekday morning,  for a few hours on Friday evening, and on the weekends (because he'd be in bed before I would get home Monday through Thursday).  Was it worth having my limited time with him on the weekends interrupted by phone calls and texts?  No.  The simple answer is that it was not.  Even if I were paid better, a large amount of take home money after childcare would NEVER be enough for me to spend such limited time with my son.  (Note:  If you have a job that takes you away from your children that much, I in no way judge you, but for me, the money was not worth the time away.  We each have to do what's best for us and emotionally, I this was not best for me to be away from Jaxon that much.)
(Note:  My job was an all or nothing.  There was no part-time option.  If there had been, I probably would have gladly taken that route but it was not an option.)
Now add in the fact that Nick will be gone more than he's home the next 19 months (workups and a deployment), we thought that it was best that Jaxon have at least one of his parents be stable and present more than they were absent.  It just didn't seem fair to have Jaxon in the care of someone other than his parents for 80% of his waking hours.

Combine all of these factors about our jobs and it was a no brainer.  I would not be returning to work.  I would be a SAHM.

I was nervous, because as I said, I am not the type to like not working.
And I was nervous for a reason.  This is the hardest damn thing I have ever done.  There is no way to articulate how difficult this is.  But at the same time, it is so rewarding and I love it.  Some days are easier than others.  Some days seem to crawl by and I anticipate Jax's bedtime.  But at the end of every day, I'm thankful that I'm able to stay home with him.  I'm grateful that Nick's job provides enough that we are able to afford to live on one income.  Sure, we don't get to live the exact same lifestyle, but we're happy, healthy, and still have fun, and that's what matters!

I feel very fortunate to witness all of Jaxon's milestones, to see his smile all day long, to nurse and cuddle him throughout the day, to give him kisses as he goes down for naps, and read and sing to him before he goes down for the night.  One day, maybe in the near furture, maybe once all my children in school, I'll go back to work. But right now, after almost 5 months of being a SAHM, I'm even more confident in this decision to stay home with my baby boy.
I know being a SAHM isn't for everyone and some cannot afford to do it, but I'm confident that most women who have the choice, do what they know is best for their family; this includes themselves, their child(ren), their marriage, and their finances.  I have great respect for working moms (and dads) and respect for SAHMs.  Neither one is easier than the other as each have many benefits but also many drawbacks; each one is difficult in it's own way and we're all just trying to be the best mamas we can and you can't ask for more than that!

Jaxon's First Zoo Trip

Tis the season of limited Nick time.  Cue sad face.  This weekend, we only got to spend time with him on Saturday so we made a whole day of it and Jaxon was quite the trooper!

We woke up and slowly got ready to leave the house, then headed to Maple Street Biscuit Company for brunch.  Nick and I enjoyed chicken biscuits while Jaxon enjoyed his Oball and Sophie.

Afterwards, we headed to the Jacksonville Zoo and Gardens for Jaxon's first zoo trip. We didn't really expect him to get anything out of it, because he's so young, but we were wrong.  As long as the animals moved, he would notice them and just stare at them.  It was such a fun experience!!!

These two seriously melt my heart.  I could have watched them together all day.  

(Jaxon spends half of his waking hours eating his hands.)

Y'all, seriously.  Look at this kid.  They don't come any cuter than this.

(And oh my gosh, does he look exactly like Nick or what?!)

He loved this giant gorilla and was hitting, feeling, and picking all over his face.

This ball is his favorite.  We have a few of them.  He's always holding it, even while sleeping, as he was in this picture.  We don't get anywhere without it, even if there's plenty of animals to entertain him.

Nick and I each have a stuffed tiger.  Tigers are my favorite animal and Valentine's Day 2007, I received a package from Nick that contained a stuffed tiger.  And I've slept with it (almost) every day since then.  A few months after receiving mine, Nick casually mentioned that he wished he had a tiger.  So I bought one and mailed it to him.  And he then began sleeping with his tiger.  We decided it's only appropriate that we get Jaxon his own tiger.  We had been searching for a while but every tiger we find in stores had those ginormous cartoonish eyes.  No thank you.   We popped in the gift shop in the hopes they would have a tiger with normal size eyes and they did!!!  So Jaxon got his first tiger and a souvenir from his first zoo trip.  

Seriously, how did I create such a perfect little boy?!

Afterwards, we hit up Sam's Club and then headed home.  It was a long day.  We were gone from the house from about 11am until 5pm.  Jaxon didn't cry once!!!!  He just took his cat naps in the stroller, fussed for one minute before I nursed him, and remained smiles all day.  It made for quite the pleasant day.  

I can't wait to spend more weekends creating memories with my little family.  I know they'll be few and far between now with Nick being gone a lot, but we'll take what we can get!

Start 'Em Young, Raise 'Em Right: Mizzou Class of 2037

If you know me, then you know I have great pride for my Alma mater, Mizzou.  I miss my college days; they were some of the best of my life.  I miss the traditions, the campus, the football games, the activities, the rec center, the town itself.  I miss it all.  It saddens me that I don't get to go back and visit often.  I'm envious of my family and friends that can travel there whenever they want because it's only 2 hours from home.

I was going to say I secretly hope Jaxon chooses to go to Mizzou, but that's not really a secret.  I'm already advocating for it in so many ways.

One of those ways is through Mizzou football.  I absolutely love college football season!!  Tailgating and going to the games were some of my favorite times while living in Columbia.  Sadly, I don't get to go to many games since we live in Florida.  I went to one game last year when they crushed the Gators in Gainesville, but that means I won't get to see them play again until 2016 season. Thankfully we live in SEC country and I'm able to watch most of the games.

People are always telling me how much Jaxon looks like Nick.  I'm not too sure he got much from me, but one thing is certain....his love of Mizzou football!!

I am a part of the Mizzou Alumni Association and thankfully, we have a Northeast Florida Chapter.  Every Saturday we gather together to watch the games out at a restaurant so of course, we bring Jaxon along.  Have to teach him young!

During the first Mizzou game of the season, Jaxon had a blast!  He was perfect the entire game, not crying once!  Even when everyone screamed M-I-Z!!  Z-O-U!!  He looked a little concerned, but didn't cry.  During the game, he sat on Nick's lap and watched the game.  I mean, does it get any cuter than this?!

Daddy and son watching football.  Jaxon loved it.  He was fixated on the tv up there pretty much the entire time he was awake.

This past weekend, the game didn't start until 7:30pm and that's typically Jaxon's bedtime, not to mention he is coming down with a bad cough, so we stayed home.  I set him down on the couch to go do something quickly and when I came back, he was into the game.  I could not break his concentration on it for anything.

Makes this mama so proud!!!  We continued to cuddle and watch our Tigers for a bit.

After a while, I went to put him down.  He just wasn't having bedtime and wouldn't stop crying.  I brought him back to the living room and he was perfectly content to sit with his daddy and watch the game for a little bit longer before finally going to bed.

I know Nick wants him to go to the United States Naval Academy as he did, but I think Jaxon is a lil Tiger in the making!!  Watch out Mizzou, Jaxon is heading your way in 18 years!

Prepare for Landing! - Our Family is Whole Again

After a couple of weeks without my better half, our family is whole again!!!

Nicholas was away on training for a while, and to be quite honest, it was rough.  This was our first separation with a child, but certainly not our last.  In fact, over the next 16-19 months, it will be happening more frequently.  I'm happy to have one separation under my belt, and happy that this first one wasn't a few months long.   Taking care of a baby with no family around to help is difficult.  Sure, I have friends but those without kids are working full time and unavailable to help and those with kids, well it seems they all have a toddler AND a baby around Jaxon's age (somehow everyone I worked with and everyone in Nick's squadron all had a baby within 2 months of each other) so it's a little difficult to find help.

But we survived!  I'd even say we thrived because Jaxon hit some milestones while Nick was gone (which is unfortunate but the truth is, Nick is probably going to miss a good majority of Jax's major milestones and firsts).  Despite his teething, four month sleep regression, fussiness from vaccines, complete change in routine, refusal to take more than 20 minute naps, and a growth spurt, we survived.  *I* survived.  I was able to suppress my anxiety and frustration to put a smile on my face and be the best mama I could.  And I think I did a great job!  I will admit I was beyond nervous and anxious for this separation, knowing help would be limited, if not nonexistent, but I did much better (mentally and emotionally) that I thought I would.  Which is good, because it's given me the confidence I'll need for these next separations.

But enough of that, let's get to the good stuff!!!!  Nick is home!!!!  Nick flew down to training on a C-130 but for his return, he got to fly the helo back.  I was pretty excited because this meant that Jaxon and I could go to base and watch him fly in.

We met a friend and her son on base, checked in at the squadron, and were taken to the hangar to await our husbands' return.  Once we saw them in the distance, we put our ear plugs in and watched them come in.

Nick is the helicopter on the left, closest to the camera.

Then they taxied over, shut down, and walked across the flight line to us.

Then we received a giant, smelly, sweaty hug!!!  And life was good!!

This was such an amazing experience.  I've seen Nick flying over our house a few times, but I've never witnessed him land the helicopter.  He truly loves what he does and I am thankful I got to see him in action, especially while welcoming him home after a couple weeks apart.  In the grand scheme of things, our separation wasn't long at all, but any time spent apart, especially with a baby, is not easy. We were happy to come home and resume life as a family.

Reminiscing

Yesterday I posted that one year ago, we found out I was pregnant.  I just can't believe how quickly time has gone by.  The memories of my pregnancy always bring a smile to my face. One of my favorite memories and a story I love sharing, because I love anything TMI, is how I knew I was pregnant.  Which is because NICK knew I was pregnant before I did.  If you missed that story, you can check it out HERE.

Thankfully he wasn't so weird as to fish my pee out of the toilet and find out for me.  He wanted a baby pretty badly, but not that badly that he'd attempt something like that.

Time is a weird thing.  Part of me feels like it was just yesterday that I was surprising Nick and telling him I was pregnant.  The other part of me feels as if Jaxon has been a part of our lives for years.  (It's only been four months though).

I find myself reminiscing a lot.  I go back through old blog posts, like the two I've linked above about telling Nick I was pregnant and how he (kind of) knew before me.
I find myself spending far too much time going through photos of my pregnancy and especially of Jaxon's short four months.  And cry.  He's grown so much and it breaks my heart how quickly time passes by.  I need it to slow down.  I hate that as I get older, time seems to pass much more quickly.  Why is that?  Who has a theory on that?  And how can I get it to stop?

I make sure to savor every moment.  I snuggle Jaxon during his naps half the time.  He won't always be this small.  He won't always want mama cuddles.  Sure, my house could stand to be a little cleaner, but I am not willing to trade snuggles with my sweet baby boy for dusted shelves.  Chores can wait.  I'm thoroughly enjoying being a mom, depsite how trying it can be.  I love being home with Jaxon and cherishing every moment I have with him.  Which is why you're seeing less blog posts from me.  I'm not quitting, but I'm also not putting this blog before my family.  I encourage everyone to spend more time with loved ones. These moments are fleeting.  Cherish them.

Four months old

One Year Ago, I Became a Mom

One year ago, after years of praying cancer did not take my fertility as was a risk of my treatments, I found out I was going to be a mother. It was a role I strongly desired before I could even truly understand it. 

I was only three and a half weeks pregnant.  Although I wanted to scream from the rooftops that we were pregnant, I knew all too well that I needed to wait; I needed to make sure this little baby was healthy.  I knew that conceiving might not happen, but if it did, there was still the risk of the eggs being too damaged from cancer treatments to be carried for long.  So we waited.  

My life revolved around waiting.  "Hurry up and wait".  It's the military's motto.  But this was one of the hardest waitings I've had to do.  I just wanted to share our news with loved ones and ask them to pray that this little baby stay strong and healthy.

Obviously Nick's and my prayers were enough because we now have our precious four month old son.

Just five days new!!

Jaxon, you are nothing I expected, yet everything I dreamed. You have given me a happiness that I could have never imagined, and at the same time, fears I wish I never had to consider; how desperately I wish the world were a better place for you to grow up in.  I promise to strive to guide you and help you grow into the type of man your daddy is; one that makes this sometimes all too evil world a better place.  While I promise to always be there for you, I won't be too close because you need to make your own mistakes and experience hurt; it will teach you lessons I can't and help you grow into a stronger, more well-rounded man.  Unfortunately, growth requires pain.  So take risks and explore the world around you.  While you're exploring, I'll always be close enough to help you, but far enough away to let you fly.  I won't always have a cure, but I do promise to listen without judgement, give advice when you ask for it, make you laugh when you need a smile, and give you 'tough love' when you need it.  Most importantly, I promise to love you unconditionally and give you the best life possible.  

One and a half weeks new

Motherhood isn't easy. Some days are more challenging than others, and I shed my fair share of tears of frustration and exhaustion. Baby boy, I hope that you're able to see through these moments, and know that you are fiercely loved. You've changed me in so many ways, and everyday you make me strive to be a better person.  Each day, I think of you when I make any decision.  I want my life to be a positive example for you now while also making you proud of me in the future.

Two weeks new

One year ago today, I learned I was a mom and my love for you began. Nothing can prepare you for the love of your child, and I'm amazed with each passing day as my heart some how grows to hold more love than the previous day. Jaxon Thomas, You are the best thing I've ever done and not a day goes by that I don't thank God for blessing your daddy and I with you.  

Four months old