Update: Nick's Helo Training

I figured I should give family an update since he's started, but realistically, there isn't too much to update you all on.

Nick is currently in his third of week of Advanced (helo training).  He hasn't really had too much going on thus far.  Well, he's had a lot going on and has been really busy, but nothing major has occurred.
For the most part, he's just been sitting in class all day.  He's also had duty quite a few times (my beloved took one for the team and signed up for duty from 6pm-6am the night of the Dining Out so we didn't have to go.  It would have cost us $100+, we didn't know a soul since he had JUST started, and we're not a fan of the silly rules, especially the no getting up to use the restroom unless you want to be "punished" and embarrassed in front of everyone.  This doesn't sit well with me because I inevitably would have had to get up at least once, probably more like three times, during dinner to dislodge my food.  As if I'm not already embarrassed enough about that happening, to have someone call me/Nick out and do whatever they wanted him/us to do (drinking from the grog?) would only make me want to cry and hide under the table....more so than I normally do at those type of events because of my situation.)

Today was Nick's first sim.  We were up until 1am last night going through his millions of checklists in preparation for it {Wife of the Week Award}.  I play the role of the instructor and say their part while Nick (pretend) does all the necessary things (ie. pushing buttons, giving hand signals, turning switches, moving things up and down, etc as if he were really in the cockpit of a helicopter) and then he responds with his necessary response.  When he got home this morning after his sim, I asked how it went.  In normal Nick fashion, his response was "Alright."  If you know Nick, then you know know that that's really the only response you'll receive.  He's too modest to ever tell you if he did well.  Ever.  (However, he will tell you if he does poorly (and then will probably be a crabby pants all night) but that's a rare case.)

Hmmmm what else???

Nick is a part of the HT-18 Vigilant Eagles squadron.  We've been asked if we like it.  I'd say thus far, we do.  Nick hasn't really been too involved in things since it's only his third week, but he hasn't complained about anything or any instructors so I'd say that's a point for the "I like it" side. His only complaint is that he didn't know anyone.  He's since made two good friends in his class (who have been over to study at the house) and one of them is going to be his (for lack of better words) flying partner.  (Unlike Primary, they're allowed to pick their partners here in Advanced.)

As for myself, the OSC (Officer Spouse Club) is really involved and truly makes an effort to include the student spouses.  In Nick's previous squadron, it appeared that the OSC was more just the IP (Instructor Pilot) wives.  The HT-18 OSC has a social every month (this month is happy hour at a local resturant/bar).  They also have Winey Wednesdays, play groups for those with kids every Tuesday, and doggie play dates once a week.  There's always random things going on as well in addition to those regularly scheduled events.

The day after Nick checked into HT-18, about a month ago, we attended a FAM-0 for the students and their spouses.  It was an event to get to know the squadron, their CO (the head guy of the squadron), the OSC, and get a tour.  They provided dinner (stupid Chick-fil-A which I don't support or like, but did eat since I didn't buy it) and the instructors' spouses each made a dessert.  After some introducing of the CO, some talk about who and what the OSC is and does, and then some brief information about what to expect from our spouses during Advanced, the various types of helos they could fly afterwards in the fleet and where they'd take us, how long we should expect to be here, etc etc etc we then split into two groups and headed out for a tour with some IP spouses and instructors while our husbands stayed behind.  (Not sure what all they did).
First, we went to the control tower and it was the coolest thing ever!  They took us up in the top (I'd never been in one before) and because it was dark outside, it looked awesome out on the flight line.  They explained the different runways, lights, "the shack" (which we're told our husbands will talk about a lot) and what each person in the tower is responsible for.  We then went down into the radar room which wasn't nearly as cool and pretty claustrophobic if you ask me.
After that, we headed to the hangar and got to peer inside the helos.  The guys will fly two different models, although to someone like myself, they look exactly the same.  They are the TH-57 Charlie model and the Bravo model.  These helos are TINY!!!  I thought they would be bigger but they're not at all.  (And they look...well ARE, super old compared to the fancy glass cockpit T-6s Nick just finished flying in Primary.)
Then we went into the sim building and were each given a turn to fly in the helo simulator (with the hydraulics turned off).  I decided to not partake in this because I already had a migraine and the T-6 sim made me sick so I'd rather not embarrass myself on the first day.)
Afterwards, we got a tour of their entire squadron building so we could see where the Ready Room is, where he'll brief, where he'll flight plan, where he is when he's SDO, etc.  They figured it'd be nice for us to see where he'll be spending his long days and give us a visual for when he talks about his day.
I really enjoyed the FAM-0 and am happy we went.  Sadly, we left with me having WAY more knowledge than Nick since he hadn't even checked into the squadron yet (he would be doing so the following week).
The next day, I got a call from the CO (the head guy) thanking me for coming, again welcoming me to the HT-18 family, and letting me know to contact him if I had any questions or concerns.
Then just a few days later, I received a call from a spouse in the OSC again welcoming me, telling me all about their group, verifying she had my correct email and asking if there's any questions I had.

All in all, I'm happy with HT-18 thus far.  I know we haven't been in it long, but they all seem really welcoming and really focused on family.  Even though Nick just started and they don't know him too well and he's sooooo busy right now (they say Advanced training is very front loaded....meaning he's a lot busier in the beginning than any other part of this training), they allowed him to not be scheduled one day so he could attend a doctor's appointment with me.  No questions asked other than "Is the appointment here in Pensacola?"

I'm looking forward to meeting a few other spouses and I know Nick is looking forward to getting in a helo and actually flying.  I will do my best to keep you all updated on his training as best as I can.  (Sometimes, I don't even understand what Nick is telling me about his days so it's impossible for me to relay them to you all.)  Stay tuned because I'm sure the next update I have for you all will be about his first flight!!!



{Note:  Please do not pass judgment and say "ohhh she's one of those who won't eat at Chick-fil-A because of their views."  I do not care what your views are.  Everyone is free to their own beliefs.  I have two reasons for not eating there:
1.  I simply don't like it.  In college, the main place for food had 4 fast food places (they've since completely redone it...spoiled students lol) Subway, Chick-fil-A, Burger King, & Pizza Hut.  In my five years there, I ate there once a week and got Chick-fil-A MAYBE 5 times in my five years there (2003-2008).  I do NOT like their chicken.  I'd eat McD's or Wendy's over it any day.  And this was WAY before the whole homosexual hater thing came about.
Secondly, I do not eat there because while I don't care what their views are, I refuse to give my money to an organization that gives some of their profit to an anti-gay organization.  I will NOT give my money to support those causes.  Just as I would not eat somewhere that openly gave some of their profit to an anti-military organization or something like the Westboro Baptists.  This choice has nothing to do with their views, but how the chose to spend my money/their profit.  It's simply because I will not allow my money to go towards hate.  And that's how I see that.  I do not judge others who choose to eat there so I don't think anyone should judge me.  I will eat it as long as it was not MY money that paid for the food, such as Nick's squadron providing it.
And that's my explanation.}

Nick's 28th Birthday

My husband has finally joined me in the wonderful (let's hope it's wonderful) age of 28.

He's not much for birthdays or celebrations but I am!!!  Last night, he just would not go to bed!  He finally got in bed at 1am, and was asleep by 1:30am.
Then I got to work.  I hung streamers all over and blew up balloons.  My goal was to blow up the entire bag but I hate blowing up one balloon, let alone 30+.  And at 2am and later at that.  So after 15 balloons, lots of dizziness, and almost an hour later I decided he was only going to get 28...his age.  It works out, right?  Even sounds like I originally planned it.
Then, on each balloon, I wrote something I loved about him as well.

(that's our bedroom door)

(view from our bedroom door)

And I made sure he had a birthday message waiting for him when he woke up.

(the "Good Luck" was in reference to a test he had that morning)

Nick had to work on his birthday but when he got home, he looked at all of his balloons.  (Somehow Yadi managed to leave them all alone).  But as soon as he read them all, he encouraged Yadi to go to town on them.  It was hilarious (and now we know what we'll be doing for her birthday in April). (video coming soon)

LOL this is the first balloon he picked up

Then we set out for dinner.

He chose to eat at Miller's Ale House and then we headed next door to Rooms to Go.  Nick and I had been planning for a very, very long time to get a new bedroom set and we were finally able to make it happen.  To be honest, Nick doesn't care at all about bedroom furniture.  He thinks its completely and utterly unnecessary.  {He's insane}.  However, he does think a 60"+ television is a necessity.  Somehow, I got him to agree that he will not upgrade our living room television (which isn't small.  It's a 42"  television), until we get new bedroom furniture.  He's really been itching to get his new television, so really, that was his motivation to say "Okay, we can afford the furniture now, so let's go get it."  It was a completely selfish motive.  He denies it but I am not stupid nor complaining!
So happy birthday to Nick, we (really I) got new furniture!!!  But the best part?  On top of the furniture being on sale, another President's Day special thrown in was a free 32" Samsung tv from Best Buy OR a $250 gift card.  So now he's $250 closer to his dumb, large, and completely unnecessary television.  So it did work out in his favor and is kind of a birthday gift for him, right???  It's just a distant gift.

We then went home, lit his birthday candles and he made a wish.  (I made him Rice Krispy Treats which are his favorite dessert.  He doesn't really care for cake, except angel food cake, which I made him for Valentine's Day.)

( I made them green.  Because, why not?!)

Such a goober

So many candles!!!  So bright!!!

Lots of smoke from this old man's "cake"!!

(please note the Weim photo-bomb.  She's staring up at the steamers hanging from the light.  Probably growling and about ready to bark at them.)

As for his gifts, one is being made and will take a few months to make (they're custom-made from wood when you order so it takes a while).  I ordered him a T-6B Texan II model with a customized base.

It will have his name, the dates he was in Primary, and in the middle will be the VT-3 Red Knights patch.
Such a great way to remember Primary, especially since he loved it so much.

He absolutely loved flying this plane and misses it so badly. (He pouts when he sees one flying). So I thought it'd be awesome to get him this model.  And he loves it!  (I also plan to get him the TH-57 which is what he's flying now in helo training.  And then obviously a model of the aircraft he'll fly in the fleet after he gets his wings.)  He's freakishly obsessed with all things aviation, especially his own career, so he really loves these gift ideas.
In addition, I bought him two new challenge coins (He has in excess of 20 already from various trainings, ships, milestones, squadrons, etc)

 one of the coins I got him:  NAS Whiting Field Challenge Coin

We ended the day with one of his favorite things...a movie.  We watched the first Die Hard movie, because I haven't seen any and he's been begging me to watch them.  He asked if we could watch it, and since it's his birthday, I finally agreed.


It was a fun evening and I'm glad we were able to celebrate.  Since Nick could be happy just sitting on the couch watching tv with nothing special going on, he very much so enjoyed his birthday.  And I did too.  Here's to making the age of 28 a great one for us both now!

Forms Apparently Induce Tears & More Fears

Today has been so many back and forth phone calls.

My St. Louis Oncologist's nurse called and said that they're no longer going to order any imaging.  The main reason being it will take 2-3 business days to get it run through Tricare and that would bring us to Tuesday at the earliest, and my appointment is Tuesday morning.
The second being, Dr. Adkins (my St. Louis oncologist) doesn't want to begin this all with the new oncologist feeling like Dr. Adkins is stepping on his toes.  Which I understand, but it makes me nervous.  I want Dr. Adkins to be involved so I'm really hoping my new oncologist (Dr. Patel) will actively seek his knowledge and input.
The last reason they want me to wait is because Dr. Patel might have his own imaging center within his cancer center, or his own tests he wants run.  She also mentioned that imaging centers might not be the best place to go for something of this nature.  That a radiology department within a cancer center is more equipped with people who deal with oncology related things on a daily basis.  I agree and would feel more comfortable with this.

This afternoon, I drove to my new oncologist's office to sign the record release form.  The facility (The Woodlands) is very, very nice.  There are concierges to greet you as you walk into the building and help you find your way or assist you with anything else you need.  I asked where Dr. Patel's office was and he told me the second floor, walked me to the elevators, pressed "up" and then told me to have a good day.  When I got off the elevator, another concierges was there and asked where I was going.  I told him Dr. Patel's office and he walked me right to the counter.  I informed the girl I was there to sign the record release.  She got that for me, along with new patient paperwork to bring back on Tuesday.  While I was filling out the record release, I began crying.  After I was done, I handed it back to her.  The receptionist (probably a year or two younger than me) asked if I was okay and I said "I just never thought I'd be doing this again."  She then began tearing up (which didn't help me), I said "Thank you, see you next week" and left.  And the tears streamed down my face.  I looked around saw too many familiar sights.  A woman with a scarf wrapped around her head passed me.  It stung and made me sick to my stomach.  As I waited for the elevator, I noticed that the opposite way of my doctors office is the Infusion (chemo) center.  The waiting room wasn't too crowded.  It had a few cancer patients (recognized by their lack of hair or their weak and sick appearance.)  It was also easy to pick out the worried family and friends with them.  It brought back too many memories.  I don't want to be here again.  I don't want to see this.  I don't want to go through this.  The elevator opened up and I was able to escape those sights.
When I existed the elevator, I briskly walked to the front doors.  The concierge's tone had changed (obviously in response to my tears) and gently said "Have a good day ma'am."  I squeaked out a thank you and exited the building.  The sidewalk was blocked by another concierge helping an old, bald, frail man into a wheel chair.
Another punch in the stomach.  I don't want to get back to that.  I don't want to be bald again.  I don't want to wear a wig.  I don't want to drop 15 pounds.  I don't want to have to use a wheelchair again.  I don't want to lose all my physical strength.  I'm already fighting so hard to keep my mental and emotional strength, I don't know if I can keep doing it if it comes down to relapse.  I don't want to depend on others for everything.  I want to continue to grow my hair to the long length I'm wishing for.  I want to be able to walk anywhere I want, and not need a wheelchair to simply walk down a hallway.  I don't want to sleep away another 6+ months of my life.  I don't want this.  Any of this.

I sat in my car and cried.  And cried.  Nick didn't come with me.  I told him I didn't need him to.  Why would he?  All I had to do was fill out my information and sign my name and leave.  That doesn't require support.  But I didn't even think about what being back in that element would do to me.  When I got home, I told him how I cried while there.  I immediately wished I hadn't told him because he wrapped me in his arms and felt so awful he didn't go with me.  Just another person I felt guilty and horrible for provoking negative feelings.

After I calmed down, I decided to fill out the new patient forms.  I know myself well enough to know that as the appointment draws closer, I get more nervous, don't think as clearly, and my hands get really shaky.  The first few pages were simple.  Just basic information about myself, my family history, and my history.  List of current medications, previous surgeries and hospitalizations, etc.  One of the last pages was a list of current symptoms, categorized such as "Constitutional Symptoms, Endocrine, Gastrointestinal, Cardiovascular, Psychological, Neurological, Integumentary" etc.  What has me worried is that the "Constitutional Symptoms, Gastrointestinal, and Neurological" all have half or more of the symptoms circled "yes".  Some are not everyday, but frequent.  They could be nothing but they could point to something.  I just hating seeing so many yeses circled on this sheet.  It's just unsettling.  And it's just more things to cause me to worry.

The Hardest Part

The hardest part of all of this is telling your loved ones.

My parents both know what's going on.  When I went to visit my sister this weekend, I told her I had the fever and the doctor was running some tests.  I hadn't yet told my brother.
But now with the news of needing to see an oncologist, I knew I needed to fill my siblings in.  My sister handled it well but she was also aware that something was going on.
Telling my brother was much harder.  I knew he was going to be blind-sided because he didn't have a single clue that anything was going on with me.  I asked him to call me after work because I needed to talk to him really briefly.  I didn't make it seem as though anything was wrong because I didn't want to worry him all day at work.
When he called, I was so nervous.  I absolutely hate telling people any sort of bad or potential bad news.  Not to mention, I wanted to put up the front that I was okay.  That I was strong.  That I wasn't scared or worried.  It was so hard to fight back my tears.
I told him everything that was going on and that they were sending me to an oncologist here and I was going to be getting a scan done this week.  As the conversation unfolded, I could hear him sniffle every so often.  I told myself he had been doing that at the beginning of the conversation, but reality was that I didn't notice it until I told him what was going on.  He mentioned he wished he would have waited to call me until he was home and not at the gym.  Which only led me to further believe that he was crying.  It broke my heart.
My brother is seriously one of the strongest people I know.  He doesn't cry.  I can count the very, very few times I've seen him cry on one hand.  He's always laughing, making jokes, and keeping things light-hearted. But not today.  Today, I could sense his emotions.  I could feel his fear.  His worry.  Which only made it harder for me.  For many reasons.  I cannot stand to know I'm the reason people are hurting.  I know this situation is not my "fault" but I am the cause of it.  I'm the one causing my family so much worry and stress.  I'm the one causing their tears and hurt.  I know it's only because they love me.  I completely understand why they feel as they do.  I would if I were in their shoes.  But it hurts me.  So badly.  I don't want to ever cause my family negative emotions.
Knowing Ben wasn't his usual happy, joking self made me more worried.  He's the one I could ALWAYS count on to make light of the situation.  Make it seem like it's not a big deal and it's all going to be okay.  But when he can't even do that, it shows just how scared and worried he is.  Which then only fuels my fear.
As with my mother, I lied to him.  I told him I wasn't all that worried.  Just worried to see new doctors.  I made it seem like it wasn't a big deal.  I wanted to save him from negative feelings.  So I lied.  And I feel awful.
When we got off the phone, I told him I'd keep him updated next week.  As we said goodbye, he said "I love you."  I told him I loved him too, hung up, and just lost it.  While my siblings and I are very, VERY close, we don't say I love you to one another.  I'm not really sure why though??? My parents and each of us say it ALL THE TIME.  But us siblings don't.  When I was battling cancer in 2006 and life was full of unknowns, we said I love you all the time. It's as if we knew that might be it.  And we weren't going to let a day pass without saying it.  But it stopped when I got my first clear scan. As if we realized we were "safe"  so we didn't need to say it anymore.  But hearing him say it again, brought me back to that time in 2006.


The hardest part of this is the feelings and emotions I know others are experiencing.  I hate that they are worrying, stressed, upset, and scared.  I hate having to tell them these things.  I wish I could just wait and not tell anyone other than Nick.  Wait until we have clear answers.  And hopefully positive clear answers.
I just sit here thinking that it HAS to be good news.  Because if it's not, I honestly don't know how I'd tell my family and best friends.  My first thoughts aren't of me and what I'll go through or what the outcome might be.  My thoughts are my loved ones and how I don't want to hurt them.  Don't want to tell them anything but positive news.  I can't put my family and best friends through this again.  It was so hard for them last time.  So hard.  My little sister shouldn't have to watch her big sister suffer and fight for her life.  Not just once but twice.  I'm supposed to be someone she can look up to and always know I'm here for her.  She can always count on me and know I'm strong; not lying in a hospital bed weak and broken and fighting.  My parents most definitely shouldn't have to deal with this. Not again.  Once was too many.  Parents should never have to watch their children suffer.  Especially with a disease like cancer.  In life, you just assume your parents go before you.  As parents, I think they assume that too...that they won't watch their children pass away.  It's not "natural" and I don't want my parents to have to fear that again.  This time would be soooo much harder because I'm here, in Florida, away from them.  And the decision would need to be made on what to do, where to have treatments done.
I just can't do this again.  I refuse to put my parents through that.  The hardest part of it all is not anything physical I will endure.  The hardest part is hurting my family with the news.

Valentine's Day Celebration

February 14th isn't the best day for me; it comes with too many memories and it's a difficult day.  I like to be busy and distracted.  Valentine's Day is the perfect excuse for it.  Unfortunately, Nick had to work all day.  When he came home, he needed to study all night for an exam he had Friday morning.  But we still did a little something.

Wednesday night, I cooked him his favorite cake (angel food cake) and added those little sugar letters to them.  Anytime we're grocery shopping and we're in the baking aisle, he wants to buy those just to eat.  So today was the perfect time to get them for him.

(Nick dug into it right away lol)

I also got him a card from each of the dogs (normally he gets just one but I found two that were absolutely perfect for each of their personalities) and obviously one from me.  I also wrote in his notebook.  (This is a notebook I write in a little, okay... a page or two (or three)... love letters each month on the 11th (our wedding anniversary day) or just random days).  We agreed NO gifts because we're poor so I just got him a simple little box filled with Reese's hearts (he's obsessed with the seasonal, and only the seasonal shaped Reese's.  Apparently the eggs, trees, hearts, pumpkins, etc have a better peanut butter to chocolate ratio????)


When I woke up on the morning of the 14th, I walked out of the bedroom to see these gorgeous flowers sitting on the table.  It was nice to have a little surprise from Nick even though I wouldn't see him until that evening.

The day wasn't all the bad.  I managed to keep myself really busy.  Part of that was torturing my dogs and taking my usual "holiday photos" with them.  Except, this year didn't include headbands or props ;)  (Nick was NOT amused with my doggie fun for the day)

Nick got home around 5pm and immediately began studying.  While is sucked to not actually spend "quality" time with him, he was at least next to me on the couch, which is better than not being home!

Around 8:30pm he decided to take a break and asked if I wanted to go out to eat.  Of course my answer was yes so we headed to Applebee's to use the Valentine's Day gift card from my parents (they know us too well).

Once we got home, it was back to studying for Nick and we headed to bed around midnight.  Not an exciting day, but it was much better than I expected AND I at least got to have dinner out with Nick.


On Friday the 15th, Nick again worked most of the day but got home around 4pm (which was still later than expected).  He had asked if we could celebrate Valentine's Day this day.  While it doesn't erase my memories of the 14th and I've become anti-Valentine's Day, I'm slowly getting back into the celebration of the day.  Not to mention, Nick likes to celebrate so I agreed.
When he got home, we immediately hopped in the car and headed down to NAS Pensacola.  A friend had told me about a spot where you can see dolphins in the evening.  (Little did I know this was the place we were told about when we moved here over a year ago, but had no idea we could see dolphins if we stayed later in the evening!)

The dolphins did not disappoint.  As soon as we arrived (later than we wanted, thanks a lot Navy, for keeping Nick later than you were supposed to which majorly cut into our sunset time!) they were there in the channel, just swimming and playing.  We spotted about 6 of them.  It was amazing!

We spent the evening on the beach, just laughing and having an amazing time.  Sunsets on the beach are my absolute favorite thing in the world so this made my day!!!!  We don't get to experience this often with Nick's schedule so it was awesome!

It's the cutest when he just hugs me so tight, over and over again!  He's like a little kid that
can't get enough of me.

Kissing me so hard he's squishing my eye

Afterwards, we went home where Nick had planned to make dinner for me.  Nick making dinner for me isn't anything crazy special because he's an amazing husband and we share the cooking responsibilities and a lot of the time we cook together!  But this dinner was special because he made my favorite dishes that I don't get too often because he's not a fan of them.  So that truly meant a lot that he not only made them, but actually ATE them!!!!
When dinner was ready, he lit some candles on the kitchen table, turned out all the lights in the house, and poured some wine.  We enjoyed a delicious dinner and great conversation by candle light.

Afterwards, Nick told me to sit on the couch and he lit more candles around the living room.

He came over with our wine and our cards to each other.

We opened them, he read his love letter, and then he told me the plans for the rest of the evening were to just sit on the couch, cuddling by candle light and just talk (and enjoy chocolate covered heart shaped pretzels).  All often, especially in this world, we have so many distractions.  Phones, laptops, television, etc.  It was nice to just sit there, us two, and talk by candle light.

How perfect is this?!  Well, if you know Yadi, then you know it couldn't be more perfect!
That dog will eat anything and everything (rocks, sidewalks, bugs, leaves, etc.)  Not to mention,
it's  a Weim on the front of the card.  But it didn't describe perfect Vino because she does eat or rip apart anything she's not supposed to (and never has).  So I had to find one from her.
{Excuse my scratched out typo.  I wrote this card at 3am.}

And luckily I found the perfect one.  Again, if you know Vino, you know she does NOT stop wagging her tail.
In fact, she more so wags her entire back end because she's so happy!  And when it comes to Nick, it's in over-drive.
She is so obsessed and in love with him!  So this was obviously perfect.

We talked about important (but exciting) topics such as nursing school, Nick's naval career, buying a home, and starting our family.  We laughed and joked around about our past, the present, and anything else you can think of.  These are the moments I cherish.  When we decided to go to bed, we realized we'd been sitting for hours and time just flew by.  I guess that's what happens when you marry your best friend ;)


The evening was simple but perfect.  It combined my absolute favorite things of the beach, sunsets, wine, and great conversation all with the love of my life.  We agreed no gifts and that's probably a good thing.  No gift could have made me happier than this evening together.  I'm a simple girl and just quality time together, especially in a crazy life, means the world to me.  I hope you all had a great Valentine's Day celebration with a significant other, family, or friends.


{It shouldn't come as a shock to you that these are nowhere near all of the photos from Valentine's Day.  If you'd like to view them more, please visit my SmugMug page HERE.}