Today is the one year anniversary of my Granpa's passing.
The day (and the funeral) still haunt me. I still vividly remember the many days spent in the hospital. Visions of Grandpa laying in his bed, fighting for his life are always flooding my mind. Still making me incredibly sick to my stomach.
Realizing this was the end and having to say goodbye to the greatest man I've ever known has been, by far, the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I miss him. So badly.
I still cry. Often. My heart aches and that ache has not subsided.
I think about him daily. I still have a hard time calling my Grandma; for fear she won't answer and I'll hear his voice on the answering machine and for fear of ending the conversation without asking to speak to Grandpa. For 28 years, I was able to say "Can I talk to Grandpa?" and he'd be on the other end. It's difficult to not have that anymore.
Living away from home, I think it's been more difficult for me to accept that Grandpa is gone. I'm still adjusting to life without him. Having lived away from St. Louis for over three years now, my time back home is restricted to only a few visits a year. The majority of my time since Grandpa has passed has been back in Florida. My life here in Florida has never consisted of Grandpa, so living a life here has always been a life without him. I have only been home four times since Grandpa passed. That is not enough time to adjust. Each time I go home, I walk into their house, still expecting to see him sitting in his recliner. It still takes my breathe away when Grandma enters a house, solo. It's difficult to not take our traditional 'grandparents and grandchildren' photo at the holidays. Now, it's just 'Grandma and grandkids'. I'm still not used to visiting Jefferson Barracks National Cemetery if I want to visit my Grandpa. After one year, I'm simply not adjusted to life in St. Louis not containing Grandpa.
I still have a lot of emotions over his death. Aside from extreme sadness, I'm still angry. It's just not fair. I know, 'life isn't fair.' But this wasn't fair. Sure, he was 82, but he was a very healthy 82 years old. This came out of nowhere. Then, we were told that worst case scenario, he would have one, maybe two years left with us. And just two months later, he very quickly passed away. Why? Why did this happen so suddenly?!
After his passing, like with any passing, people try to offer you words of comfort. A common phrase, that I know was meant to bring me comfort, instead brought me anger. It was "He's in a better place."
No, I call bullshit. I'm sorry, but I do. Yes, I'm a Christian and I believe in Heaven. However, I've never been there so I can't really say how glorious it is. None of here on earth can.
What I can tell you is that Grandpa loved his family. Dearly. There was nothing that man loved more than when any of his grandkids called to chat, or when we stopped in for a visit. He lived for the holidays when we were all gathered together. My family is obnoxiously close so it was often that my aunts, uncles, and cousins all gathered with my grandparents for birthdays, holidays, or even random game nights. Grandpa was a very silly and witty man, always cracking jokes. But he could also be seen, sitting back, just smiling, watching his family talk and laugh. The love Grandpa had for us all shown through, very easily, in that smile. He did not see his in-law children as in-laws. They were just additional sons and daughters. He has taken in his grandkids' significant others as his own as well. Nick was not a grandson-in-law to him. Grandpa loved Nick, so much; as much as any of his blood grandchildren. He loved us all. He had a way of making each of us feel as if we were his favorite. He adored us all.
And in turn, we all adored him. He was the rock for our family. He was the one we all chose to go to for advice, no matter the subject. He taught us so many lessons and instilled so many of the core values and morals that govern our lives. There is, without a doubt, a lot of Grandpa in every member of our family, even those that married in.
Family was Grandpa's world, especially his wife. The love Grandpa and Grandma had is one that every person in life wishes for. After 49 years of marriage, (just a few shy of 50), they were still so madly in love. They had a love that you could see with every action, every spoke word, and every look exchanged between the two. The love you see in movies and wonder if it really exists? The love in those movies that you say "I want that. I hope I have that well into my 80's" ? That is the love they had.
So do not tell me he's in a better place. That phrase, at least right now, does not bring my comfort. In Grandpa's world and in our world, the best place he could be is here, on earth, surrounded by his adoring family. Laying on the couch cuddling with his wife every night, watching the Cardinals game. Sitting around a table with his kids and grandkids playing Hand & Foot. Sitting in his chair, watching his family open Christmas gifts. Laughing at our obnoxious happy birthday singing. Here. With us. In the flesh.
Grandpa fought hard to remain here with us all. And there's a reason for that. He wanted to be here with us.
Here, with his family, is the "better" place. There is no better place than surrounded by your family.
I'm sorry, I just don't find comfort in those words, "He's in a better place". Maybe I should. But I don't. I'm sure he's loving Heaven, reunited with his parents, siblings, and friends who have passed before him. But I know without a doubt that he misses us all. I know he's inside each of us and watching over us. And that does bring me comfort. Don't get my wrong. I am comforted knowing he's my guardian angel now. But dammit, his place is here with us! With family is the "better" place.
I do realize how blessed we were to have a happy and healthy life with him. I'm blessed that my Grandpa lived well into my 28th year. I know many aren't as fortunate. I'm even more blessed to have had the relationship with Grandpa that I did.
Additionally, I am blessed to have the family I have to help each other through this. Having them has made this all easier.
But at the same time, having such a close and amazing family is what has made this hard. It's a catch-22 almost. Having this closeness and having such an amazing man in our life has only made his passing that much harder to cope with. It's made the heartache cut deeper. The alternative is to have had a Grandpa I was not as close to and thus his passing a little easier to deal with. I would gladly take the first. I'm happy to have had him in my life, and the pain of his absence is a constant reminder of just amazing he was and how blessed we were to have him.
Today, at 5pm, Nicholas and I will toast a Manhattan, the drink he had every single evening at 5pm, to Grandpa. We will cry remembering the greatest man to enter our lives, but we will also have a heart full of love knowing we were blessed enough to call this man our Grandpa.
Grandpa, you have always been and always will be my hero. For far too many reasons to list here. One year ago, you traded your cape for wings and my life has not been the same since. My heart has never known a pain of this magnitude and I'm not sure it will ever heal. I remember you throughout each day and live to make you proud. I remember the stories you told us about your childhood and my mother's childhood. They are stories I hold near and dear to my heart. I remember the lessons you taught me. I remember the advice you gave. I remember the values you taught me. Every time I remember one of these things, a tear forms in my eye and a smile spreads across my face. Thank you, for 28 years of wonderful memories. Thank you, for being the best damn Grandpa anyone could ever have. I miss you, Grandpa. I love you. Until we meet again....
