This is really hard for me to write. I am just letting my fingers flow over this keyboard. I'm numb. But writing is a huge release for me. I can't use social media because my cousin Melissa is still gone so this blog (which won't be published until she returns) is that release for me.
Today Grandpa had an appointment to see a specialist about the tumor in his jaw. I wasn't expecting much from it after the last news. I was feeling pretty confident in it all. I was so wrong.
Right as I pulled into the driveway after work, my mother called my phone. When I answered, I could hear her crying and my heart sank. "It's not good." That's all I needed to hear to have to fight my vomit. She then proceeded to tell me (which took a long time to understand through her sobs) the previous doctor was very wrong. Grandpa's cancer was very advanced. It was Stage IV and had already metastasized to the lymph nodes. I seriously felt like my world was crashing down on me. And I still feel that way. I feel like I'm lying on the floor with the weight of a house on my chest.
This cannot be happening. How did it get so badly before we ever knew?? How did the oral surgeon not see a tumor in the x-rays back in late February? How did they not see anything in the MRI or scans from his mini-stroke in March?
I feel so lost. I cannot imagine my life with my Grandfather. He is one of the most amazing men I've met. He's so strong, so witty, so incredibly intelligent, so supportive, so loving.
My grandfather and I are very close. He's who I owe all my athleticism to. Neither of my parents are into sports (they enjoy watching them, just not playing them). Grandpa is the one who would force me into his backyard and spend hours with me (sometimes against my will) practicing my fast foot work. He's the one who threw me grounders, fly balls, etc. He (and Grandma) came to ALL of my soccer, softball, basketball, and volleyball games. He was my biggest fan! (and sometimes would give me money afterwards for some candy or nachos!). When I reached high school, no one was more proud when I made the Varsity team
When I had cancer, Grandpa would drive between the hospital I was in and the one where Grandma was (she had just had a knee replacement). Even though his own wife, whom he adores, was in the hospital, he still spent so much time sitting with me in those 14 days I was in the hospital. He sat with me during my 8 hour chemo days.
Everyone who meets Grandpa loves him. Our friends, neighbors, etc all love him. The past two times he was in the hospital, the staff just love him! (and are amazed at his age.) He's honestly such a phenomenal human being.
It's reasons like this, plus a million more that make this so hard. I need you all to pray. Pray hard.
Now, we're waiting for his PET scan results. This is hard for me to type. The PET scan will show if there is any metastasis. If the cancer has not spread anywhere beyond his jaw and lymph nodes, Grandpa will receive surgery to remove the tumor and his lower left jaw, followed by radiation, and then chemotherapy. If there is metastasis, there's nothing they can do for him. They will do some radiation and chemo to keep him comfortable but there is nothing they can do for him. I have never anything more devastating. Writing this is hard. I do not want to lose my grandfather. I can't. There's just too much I need him for. He hasn't seen my brother, sister, or cousins get married. I'm the only grandchild to marry. I want him to meet my children. I don't want him to be just a story and photos to them. I want to see him holding his grand-babies. I'm not ready to not hear his stories anymore. My grandpa has some awesome stories and he's great at telling them. I could hear his stories a million times over. I'm not ready to stop hearing them and I know there's many more I haven't heard yet. I'm not ready to not hear his silly jokes or hear his witty comments. I'm not ready to not hear the adorable bickering between Grandma and him.
I'm not ready for the end of them. My grandparents are a true pair. There is no Grandma without Grandpa and vice versa. They are the most adorable couple you have ever met. Nick and I always say we want a love like theirs. If we can have a love only half as great as theirs, I would consider it a successful life. That's how amazing their friendship, love, and marriage is. It's because of this, I cannot imagine my Grandma without my Grandpa by her side. She will be so lost without him. Honestly, I wouldn't doubt, and this is my fear if Grandpa can't beat this, Grandma will go quickly after from a broken heart. They would definitely be one of those couples.
And I cannot fathom my life without them. I just can't. We are so close and they are so important to me.
My family is rare. My brother and I were talking about this. Neither of us personally know anyone with a family like ours. We get together for every holiday, every grandparent, aunt, uncle, or cousin's birthday. We get together on random evenings to have game nights. We spend hours laughing together. We talk openly about anything and everything. Our friends constantly tell how much they envy our family's closeness and say they haven't seen anything like it. We are one unit. We are all there for each other when anything happens. If someone goes into the hospital, every single member (there are 17 of us) are there. Keeping each other laughing and positive. Our family also welcomes all significant others with open arms. Nick is very much so a part of the family. They all just adore him and he loves them, considers them family, and is so happy to have married into this crazy family! But Grandma and Grandpa are the backbone of this family. They've done an amazing job of raising their four kids and instilled in them the importance of family and love. It's that importance that they've all passed down to us children. And it's why we are so incredibly close.
People ask me all the time, "Did cancer bring your family closer together?" My answer is no...simply because there honestly is no way our family could be any closer. Pre-cancer we were already as close as any family could be. My experience just showed us exactly why we're thankful for the relationship we have. It reaffirmed why we know we're a strong and close family.
We do EVERYTHING together. We fight together. Anyone else's happiness is everyone else's happiness. Anyone else's pain is everyone else's pain. Which is why this is so hard. We are all suffering from this. So I'm not just carrying around my own worry and pain, I'm carrying 16 other people's pain and fear. We're all worried and scared. It makes it so difficult.
Yet, it's through these times that I realize how incredibly lucky I am to have this family. I'm fully aware how rare it is and therefore, how lucky I am. I am thankful I have 16 people to go through this with. It makes things harder to carry their burdens, but it also makes it easier to know we have each other to lean on. It makes it easier to know we aren't alone in our emotions.
So people have said, "Well, you should just feel lucky that he's still here. Some people's grandparents don't live that long." I'm sorry, but this a rude and inconsiderate comment. I am fully aware that I'm lucky that both my grandparents are alive. My husband does not have any living grandparents (lucky he views mine as his), so I do strongly recognize my blessing. Just because I'm sad my Grandfather is going through and I might lose him does not all mean I'm not thankful and consider myself lucky to still have him at the age of 83 years old when I'm 28 years old. No matter how old he is, this would upset me. Grandpa could live to be 167 years old and I'd STILL be upset by this or the thought of losing him. Why is that so wrong? So yes, he may be 83 years old, but I am still upset by this. I know I'm lucky he's still here but that will never mean I will not be saddened by ANY hardship he must go through. So if that's what you're going to say to me, shut your mouth before I punch you in your face.
We need the strongest of prayers right now. I need everyone to pray that this PET scan comes back with NO signs of metastasis so that Grandpa can get a chance to fight and BEAT this!!!!
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