I don't feel like writing an intro so I'm just going to jump right into my thoughts:
I need to suck it up and get a primary doctor here.
I always lie to myself and say I don't need a primary doctor. 'I go home every Christmas to see my oncologist and gyno. I go home every summer to see my primary, gastrointestinal, and thoracic surgeon. That's enough. I mean, most people go once a year. So I'm seeing a doctor 5 times a year. If anything happens, there's always Urgent Care.'
These are the lies I tell myself. The fact of the matter is, I get sick. Frequently. And it's not always when I'm scheduled to go home. Cancer has given me a very weak immune system. I live a very healthy lifestyle, but it doesn't matter. Such is the life of a cancer patient. I was warned this would most likely be my fate, but I was confident I could be the rarity. *hangs head*
I know that it's imperative I establish a doctor that can get to know me, my medical history, and get me in when I really need them. I just hate admitting that my immune system sucks so badly.
Right now, I need a doctor. Badly. My job leaves me stressed out; more stressed than I've ever been in my life. The stress is taking a massive toll on my body. In so many ways.
I'm not sleeping. It takes me hours to fall asleep, and when I finally do, it's never a deep sleep. I'm always stressing about what the next day will bring. It doesn't matter how detailed I make my to do list before leaving work. The nature of my job is that something, many things, will unexpectedly arise the next day. My to do list will multiply by 30. I don't operate well that way. I'm very, very Type A and suffer from OCD. I have a routine and a system. When it's disturbed, or others don't operate the same as I do, it affects me. I lay in bed at night and my fear of the next day, the unknowns, the unexpecteds take over.
Some days I have zero appetite. Other days I can't stop eating. (But I choose healthy options on those days)
My anxiety is taking too much control. I never know if I'm nauseous from anxiety or if I'm coming down with a real illness (as was the case this weekend. Friday I was feeling under the weather, but assumed it was my normal anxiety. I was very wrong. I woke up Saturday with a fever of 101.6, chills, body aches, headache, and couldn't keep anything down. Thankfully I got some great sleep all day Saturday.) I'm completely out of Xanax and the only way to get more is to see a doctor.
My acid reflux is so bad, which is to be expected when you're experiencing large amounts of stress and anxiety. It's becoming too much to handle. My medicine did an okay job before this, but now? There's not much that is helping it.
I'm working long days, and now, I'm in Relay season. Which means I'm staying up for over 24 hours straight with set up, Relay, and tear down. My first Relay weekend, it rained from 8pm until about 3am, and I was outside for it all. I knew I would get sick. And I did. I didn't have time for that, which only left me more stressed and anxious.
I've had a headache for almost three weeks straight. Tylenol does nothing. Ibuprofen does nothing. Aleve, for some odd reason, makes my acid reflux so much worse. Midol eased it a little, but not much.
My cycle is completely messed up. TMI but it's the truth.
I need Xanax. I need sleep. I need to learn to relax and rest and not always feel like I need to be doing something. I need stress management. I've been reading up a lot on it and I'm doing what it says but goodness, it's just not working! I need to workout more. I squeeze it in when I can, but lately, that's either 5-6am or 10pm. And quite frankly, I can't get myself up that early after such exhausting days. The days I do get up that early, I'm not left feeling energized. It's as if I took my only energy and exhausted it on the morning workout and I'm dragging all day. I try at night, but my workouts are half-assed because I'm so tired.
I know things will be better come the beginning of May. My work schedule will drastically slow down, to only 40 hours a week. My stress will decrease by about a billion, I will hopefully sleep better, and I can workout, real workouts, at least 5 days a week.
I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. That's what I keep repeating. Realistically, it's only 20 more days. I know I can do it. But the days are passing slowly and my body is suffering.
So here's my question, what do you do for stress management? I know I haven't listed all that I do, but in a nutshell, off the top of my head, I:
- make prioritized to do lists each day before leaving work
- I am highly organized
- I tackle my most dreaded, difficult, etc task first so that it's out of the way and I don't stress about it all day
- I eat healthy
- I drink lots of water and occasionally green tea
- I don't check my email once home (which is really hard but it helps)
- I have partnership agreements outlining my roles and my volunteers' roles, means of contact and hours, etc.
- put down the phone, laptop, and tv about two hours before bedtime. I either read, journal, or lay there.
- I work out as often as I can, when my body can handle it. Sometimes it's only a 15 minute run or a quick 20 minute at home workout. (nothing is better than something in my opinion.)
- I don't do sleeping pills because while they knock me out quickly, I'm awake just three hours later, very anxious, pacing my house. (I've tried Ambien, Xanax, Ativan, Melatonin, and one other natural supplement I can't remember..and I'm too lazy to look in my cabinet and see what it is).
- Sleepy time tea helps, however, it only knocks me out but doesn't keep me sleeping. Although, it doesn't leave my anxious like the sleeping pills.
The mindset of "just don't stress about things you can't control" or "don't let it bother you" or other various don't work for me. I'm Type A. I worry. I'm a perfectionist. These are not thoughts that are just that easy for me to do. Not to say I can't change my ways of thinking, but that will take a lot of work and time, and it's certainly not going to happen during such a stressful time in my job. So without THAT suggestion of just changing out I think and operate, what do you do if you suffer from some of these same issues???
Oh my girl! I feel for you. Your body is exhausted and you definitely need to do everything you can to keep yourself going. I've never had a job like that. Well I did have a job that stressed me out so bad that I almost had a breakdown but at least the hours were straight 40 hours per week and very predictable. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI was just about to suggest melatonin but it seems like you tried that already. Keith takes that on occasion because he can never shut his brain down and its actually been working. Try reading for pleasure before bed, or listening to music or a movie or something that's not a computer or something, just to relax, who knows, that might work.
ReplyDeleteA vacation might be key also. Just getting away from your life and making yourself first. Even if its just a weekend somewhere.
Hang in there!
I take ZMA tablets. They're intended to help muscle recovery/growth while you sleep. They help you to sleep more deeply. I've been sleeping much more soundly as of late.
ReplyDeleteI used to have a job that stressed me out. I could work anywhere from 37.5 hours to 55+ hours a week. It depended on the client and whatnot. I worked as a social worker/case manager/therapist, so I was on call 24/7 all the time. I also had grad school Fridays 4pm to 9pm and Saturdays 9am to 4pm. Grad school was a breeze but it was the job that I was miserable. Plus, I was singled out at work and always getting in trouble even for following policy. I was treated unfairly.. I would get in trouble whereas others wouldn't. I was stuck, because it was my full-time job but also doubled as my internship, so I needed the "hours" for school.
ReplyDeleteTwo weeks after I graduated, I quit. I stopped being stressed immediately. However, I would NOT suggest that you quit hahaha.
Maybe a bubble bath, a mini weekend trip, a date night, etc...
It sounds like you're already doing all of the right things... I wish I had some good advice I could you! :( I'm sorry that things are so rough for you right now. My ear/shoulder/bosom are always here for you, I can offer that. :)
ReplyDeleteOh, dear, you are going through so much! While My troubles don't really compare, I do have a few tips to maybe help. I am such a fan of bubble baths and a glass of wine. Schedule time for yourself to truly relax, whatever it is that makes you happy. Just 15 minutes of you time a day does a world of wonder! And if your mind starts to drift into worry, distract yourself. Read some short stories, listen to music, do your nails, try to think of a happy memory from your past and tell the story to yourself. Have you ever done yoga or meditated? That may also help.
ReplyDeletewhen i was suffering from clinical depression, when anxiety and fear was so crippling and paralyzing, i developed OCD traits which was my way of trying to gain control over things i felt were out of control. i would legit write EVERYTHING down and analyze it over and over again thinking that i was missing *something*; that in those worlds or between the lines was an answer that i just wasn't seeing. as in i had notebooks upon notebooks of my "analysis" that i would study for hours on end, looking for that magical answer that would solve everything and make all of it go away and return me to normal.
ReplyDeletewhat helped me:
1) getting professional help aka a psychiatrist.
2) going on anti-depressants that helped stabilize my mind/body/emotions and combined that with psychotherapy twice a week. there were times it was so bad, i saw him 4 days in a week.
3) taking time out for myself.
4) CBT with my psychiatrist
5) putting what i learned from CBT into practice.
over time, the meds worked but what worked even better than the meds was my psychotherapy. i think just being able to discuss my fears in a room without judgement or fear was so relieving. i never felt stupid for feeling or thinking what i was thinking and just being able to say it all without any filter was what helped me. we discussed possible reasons, he gave me his opinion and we discussed what i thought would help/make me feel better and then we put a plan in place to action these things since, like you, i'm a type A and NEED a plan/routine in my life. as the months passed, i got better and my anxiety lessened, which in turn lessened my fears and OCD. my stress levels were down and i was finally sleeping and eating again; not so well but way better than before. he reduced my meds and when he did that, we bumped up our meetings and only reduced the frequency of talk therapy when i felt ok with it. in other words, he saved my life.
i'm not saying that professional help is required but it did help me and i was a total non-believer of psychiatry. there were times i felt SO suffocated that i couldn't sleep or eat which in turn, made my anxiety worse which made my fear increase which made my OCD worse. being tired/exhausted/stressed just exacerbated the problem but instead of chronic headaches, i had chronic abdominal pain; that was from all the stress!
since then, i've learned to be able to veer off my routine and be ok with it; i'm able to put things in perspective and understand that while things may not go as planned, the world won't end where as before, i would legit shut down and crawl into bed expecting to die. i wouldn't eat a thing or sleep a wink. it was awful.
i'm not sure if you're seeing anyone on a regular basis already but if not, you should at least consider it. for almost 2 years, i tried to "handle it on my own" but all i did was just get worse to a point that i landed in the hospital for the most severe abdominal pains i was throwing up and couldn't even stand up and the doctors had no idea what was causing it (it was from all the stress and my body just couldn't handle it anymore and shut down).
hugs!! i do hope that things at work calm down for you and that things start to look up. my whole point of this long ass comment is to let you know that you're not alone; that there IS light at the end of the tunnel.
I haven't had a primary care doctor since I was young enough to go to the pediatrician. I go to my gyno twice a year because I have abnormal cells...I feel like that's enough because she does the wellness exam on me each time. I do get sick a lot...but it's typically stuff I can cure with OTC meds...well aside from the anxiety and depression...but I don't want meds for them. Been there, done that, and hated how they made me feel. Sigh.
ReplyDelete