Six years ago today, I received my first clear scan. It's the moment I knew I was truly "cancer-free".
Some people count their remission from the date the tumor was removed. For me, the date my tumor was removed did not mean good news. It was an awful day. It was day we went from what we thought was a benign tumor, to a very bad, malignant tumor. The day our lives flipped upside down. The first day of the most grueling and horrible year of my life. It was then that we learned my tumor had tested highest grade, meaning the cells were dividing at a very rapid rate. This led my doctors to believe that the cancer cells had already entered my blood stream. They feared they were floating throughout my body, just looking for a place to attach and begin growing again. Because there was a strong chance I had cancer cells in my blood stream, I do not count that as remission or "cancer free".
Other count their remission starting on the date of their last treatment. Again, I didn't feel safe doing this. There are plenty of cases where the treatment doesn't work and the cancer is not completely gone from the body. I felt if I told myself I was "cancer free", I might be jinxing my body.
Therefore, I waited until a little over a month after my last chemotherapy treatment to start saying I was in remission. And that was November 20, 2006. That's the day I KNEW I was "cancer free".
Why do I keep putting "..." around the words "cancer free". Well, honestly, because no doctor will ever call you cancer free. They can never know that. They will never know if a teeny tiny cancer cell is in your body somewhere. Instead, doctors will say NED, "No Evidence of Disease." This covers their butt but also makes you realize that's all we can really say. All doctors can tell you is that with the testing done to you (scans, x-rays, blood work, etc) all of it shows that there is no evidence of cancer in your body. All tests came back negative and margins were clean.
Some people ask me if I'm "cured". With some cancers, once you reach a certain number of years with no recurrence, doctors will considered you cured. Unfortunately for me, my cancer is too rare and aggressive that they will never consider me "cured". I will always just be in remission. Either way, as long as I have no signs of cancer, I'm okay! Call it whatever the heck you want to call it, I'm "cancer free" in my eyes!!! I just don't focus on all the negative associated with my cancer such as the "oh you will never be cured!" I don't care if I'm never "cured" as long as it never comes back!
To some, it might seem silly that I still want to "celebrate" this anniversary. But to those people, they truly don't understand my cancer and all I went through. My cancer is very rare and it's severe. The odds most definitely weren't in my favor. On my third year in remission, a doctor even admitted they didn't expect to see me sitting there, having beat the odds. (Comforting, right?)
To me, this is worth celebrating! I mean, we celebrate birthdays and I didn't do a damn thing on that day. (Mothers should be celebrated...they're the ones going through the hard work!) So if I can celebrate my birthday where I didn't do anything, then I sure as hell can celebrate a day that I worked very hard for. I went through hell and back, emotionally and most definitely physically, so I think I deserve to celebrate! It's a day where I reflect where I was, what I went through. And when I reflect on that, I KNOW this day is worth celebrating. Every single year.
There are far too many people whom I sure wish their lived ones were here to celebrate these days. They weren't fortunate enough to win their battle and celebrate their life each year. I am fortunate to have a story of triumph. And I will celebrate.
It's been six years since my first clear scan. And about six and a half years since my hell. I still have very strong emotions when those memories come flooding back. {When I allow those memories to fully come back.}
There's no rule book for this. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel now.
Closure? No, not really.
Relief? Sure, for the most part. (Until I'm sick, in pain, or have a scan or doctor appointment coming up.)
Gratitude? Most certainly!
Appreciation? Absolutely. I wouldn't be here without my family, friends, doctors, and nurses.
Blessed? More than I could express.
So here's to today! A mix of good and bad emotions, but mainly good ones! Here's to a day worth celebrating!!!! Here's to the past 6 years, while not easy, they were and are "cancer free". Here's to a lifetime more of years to celebrate!!!
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