D-Day

When most people think of February 14th, they think of Valentine's Day.
That is not the case for me.  On this day seven years ago, I went into the hospital to get a "benign" tumor removed from my stomach.  And I woke up, missing a portion of my stomach, and learned the biopsy had been wrong.

I had cancer.

The next 9 months were the worst of my life.  And the years following have not been that easy.

I cannot shake that horrible day from my memory.  I will never be able to.  Instead, I try to keep myself busy on this day.  I've always relied on my family, friends, and Nick (from afar) to keep me happy and smiling.
The day isn't about hearts and chocolate and love to me.  Those things most definitely help ease the emotional pain.  But they don't erase the memory.  To me, I enjoy celebrating Valentine's Day, a happy day, to forget the bad one, just for one day.  If my Diagnosis Day had fallen on a random day in August, I'd do just the same thing....take this day and try to make it a fun and happy one to take my mind off what it truly means for me.  Valentine's Day just makes it easier.

I'm lying here anxious.  I can't sleep.  I know tomorrow I have to face this day alone.  Something I haven't done before.  I've always had someone to distract me.  But Nick has class all day.  And then tomorrow night, he has to spend his night studying for an important test Friday morning.  Completely understandable and he feels awful.  He's already witnessed two break downs from me tonight.  Crying.  Scared.  Shaking from anxiety.

"Celebrate a day late."  That doesn't work.  As I said, we aren't really celebrating Valentine's Day.  That is just the perfect excuse to forget this day.  But celebrating Valentine's Day on Friday does nothing for me today.  It doesn't get my mind off it today when I'll be sitting all alone.

I think what is bothering me more than anything, is knowing this will become a regular thing.  I knew when I got married and moved away, I was losing a huge (physical) support system.  I used to know I could rely on my large extended family and a large group of friends.  Now, I have only Nick.  He won't always be around.   There will be years he's half a world away.  Some years he might not even be able to call or send an email.  And I won't have my family and friends who truly understand the hardships today brings.  Sure, I have friends here.  But my guess is they're all spending Valentine's Day with their husbands.  And those whose husbands will be deployed with Nick, I'm sure will be more than willing to spend the day together.  But not because they understand what this day is for me.  Merely because who wants to be alone on Valentine's Day???  So while I knew this would become a regular occurrence for me, spending today alone, it doesn't mean I was prepared for it.  It doesn't make it any easier.

I know this might seem silly to some.  And I've written this blog post about six times today and tonight. I've deleted it because I know so many people are rolling their eyes.  "What a cry baby.  Get the eff over it."  People are judging me.  And that's what hurts.  It's not that easy.  I know those thinking that truly don't understand what I went through.  It can't be accurately described in words.  Even my poor husband doesn't truly understand.  He wasn't around then.  Only those who witnessed it all, saw me lying there in the hospital, watched my year long battles throughout surgery, recovery, treatment, and the years after understand.  Or those who have had to sit by a loved one and watch them go through this all understand.  Nick understands a little.  He sees the pain I'm currently in.  Sees me in tears occasionally from pain or just simply from frustration and exhaustion of it all.

"It's just a day in the past.  Move on."
It's not "just" a day.
This is the day my entire world flipped upside down.  For some reason, I'm still holding out hope that one day, it'll right itself again.  That I'll return to the "normal" I had seven years ago.
This day is the day I started living in fear and worry.
This is the day that causes me to hear my doctors voice "If it comes back, it will take her life" over and over again in my head.
This is the day every little ache and pain cause me to start freaking out over relapse.
This is the day I could no longer look at my body without cringing.  The sight of my scars still sting my heart and make me sick to my stomach.  I still tense up when Nick touches them or kisses them.
This is the day I realized eating was a stressful and frustrating task for me.
This is the day I realized I miss half of the table conversations because I need to actively concentrate on eating...on swallowing.  I forgot what it's like to eat without actually thinking about every single process of it.  Chewing...swallowing...breathing during it all....sitting up ridiculously straight...not drinking too much.
This is the day I had to give up on hot food and soft bread.  Because after waiting for food to move down or spending long periods of time dislodging food in the bathroom, I return to cold food, or bread that's started to harden.
This is the day I became nervous to eat in a restaurant.
This is the day I became nervous to eat in front of people.  Because no one understands why I visit the restroom multiple times a meal and return with a little less eye makeup and watery eyes.
This is the day I realized I will spend more time with my head in the toilet, dislodging food, than actually at the table eating the food.
This is the day I became embarrassed of my body's new way of handling eating.
This day, early that morning, was the last day I had a 100% pain free day.  Since this day 7 years ago, I cannot honestly say I haven't had a pain free day.
This is the day that I had to sleep in discomfort every night.  Choosing my poison...to sleep sitting up at a 45 degree angle or sleep lying down knowing my acid will hang out in my esophagus all night causing me so much pain.  Both of which produce very little sleep.
This is the day I had to start worrying my greatest fear might come true...that I might be infertile.
This is the day I became broken.  Emotionally and physically.



I know this day has been made worse because of recent events.  Without too many details, things have not been right with my body.  A few worrisome symptoms have presented themselves in the past few weeks.  None that immediately point to cancer.  But today I finally visited a doctor.  I'm waiting on lab results.  That is weighing, heavily, on my mind.  I won't get my results until early next week so I'm playing the waiting game.  I'm trying to remain calm and tell myself it's nothing.  I am not feeling any bumps.  My physical exam checked out great.  But then again, seven years ago, on January 6, 2006, I checked out fine, physically.  Only when my labs came back did they indicate something was very wrong and I was immediately told to head to a hospital to be admitted.  And that started the entire horrible journey.  I just can't seem to shake that memory.  Especially with what tomorrow brings.
{I realize my recent symptoms and doctors appointment this morning is news to most people.  Realistically, only Nick and my mother knew I had anything going on.  I was too scared to mention it to anyone else.  Afraid if I voiced concern, I'd only jinx it and cause it to become something serious.  I put it off for far too long out of fear.  And fear is what kept me from mentioning anything.  So I'd appreciate some prayers now that I've put it out there.}

I just keep thinking, "I can't do that again."  I know everyone thinks I'm so strong.  And I am.  Most the time.  But right now, I'm weak.  I'm beyond weak.  I'm embarrassed to admit it but it's true.  And I promised to always be 100% honest in my blog.  I feel so shattered and more broken than ever.  I just want my results to come back tomorrow morning and know everything is okay.  I don't want to wait a week for results.  I don't want to spend the day alone.  I want to smile and be entertained.  I want to have something that prevents me from thinking about what tomorrow means.

I wish I was the cancer patient who was diagnosed, treated, in remission and done.  Nothing more than simple scans.  I feel my life would be easier.  But for me, I have so many complications that are constant reminders.
Every time I eat and my head is in a toilet...I'm reminded.
Every time I sit at the table in discomfort as my esophagus is trying to decide if it will open to allow food down, if it push my food down or just let gravity take it, or if it bring it back up...I'm reminded.
Every second of every day when my esophagus and throat are in pain from acid reflux...I'm reminded.
Every pill I pop each day....I'm reminded.
Every cough, sneeze, and hiccup...I'm reminded.
Every procedure...I'm reminded.

I long for a life where my only reminder are the scars left on my body and the one simple office visit following a scan once a year.
I'm jealous of my friends and fellow cancer bloggers who live these "easy" life-after-cancer lives.  I long for that.



I'm really hoping tomorrow isn't as bad as I'm thinking it will be.  Do you ever feel like sometimes the days leading up to the horrible day are the worst part???  I know that's true for my scans and procedures.  Especially the night before.  Like right now.  My hope is that tomorrow when I wake up, it won't be as bad as my mind is thinking it will be.  I'm sure my day will consist of lots of phone calls to my mommy.  And I know she'll welcome them because this day isn't easy for her either.  Sometimes, I think this is all harder on her than me.  It's harder to watch loved ones suffer than to actually do the suffering.  And I can't imagine when it's your own child.  And now knowing that child is states away, hurting, sick, scared, and anxious.  I'm sorry, Mom.


It's 2:35am and I should really go to bed.  I'm not tired from anxiousness.  But I'm only putting off sleep.  The longer the stay up, the later I'll sleep tomorrow, which means the more of tomorrow I'll miss.
I've spent the night baking Nick his favorite cake, writing him a little love letter, signing the cards from the dogs, cleaning, and now blogging.  I'm out of things to keep me awake.

Luckily, after Friday afternoon, my mind and time will be occupied until I get my results.  Nick is free after Friday afternoon.  We're heading to Alabama to spend the three day weekend with my sister and Kyle so I'm pretty pumped.  I haven't seen my sister since Christmas back in St. Louis and I miss her and Kyle.  Thankfully, I'll only have to wait one night and a wake up to get my results after that.


Thanks for listening to my rambling. Thanks for all the prayers and support.
And if you're judging me, I truly hope you never experience a hardship that leaves strong and long-lasting emotional scars on your body.
Until you've walked in someone's shoes, you really shouldn't judge their emotions.  I've learned this the hard way.

Goodnight followers.  Happy Valentine's Day to all of you that have no reason to dislike February 14th.  I LOVE love and love seeing my friends and family happy, so I hope you have a great day filled with wonderful memories and long lasting friendships and love!