Feb 14: Not As Bad As I Thought...

Today was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be.  It's 3pm and I'm still alone.  But thanks to my amazing friends and family, I don't feel so alone.

My goal of staying up super late to sleep half the day away was a giant fail.  The last time I saw the clock it was around 4am.  And at 7:30am, I was wide awake.  I laid in bed for a good hour or so just browsing through Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest.

While on these sites, I was overwhelmed by the love I saw.  I do truly love love.  I'm not the jealous type so seeing so many posts of gifts, flowers, cards, messages, etc just makes me smile.  And even though February 14th is a day I very much despise for my own reasons, I'm happy so many others can find it to be so special.  Sounds corny and fake, but it really does make my day better to see so many friends and family members happy.

Because this day is all about love, my thoughts obviously go to my husband, family, and closest friends.  Especially those with me on this day seven years ago.  Instead of wallowing in my sadness, I decided to voice my love while I was laying in bed this morning.  I contacted a few of my best friends and my siblings to just let them know I love them.  To thank them.  Seven years ago was the hardest day of my life.  And every day since has not been a cake walk either.  I struggle, I fall down, I cry, I grow weak.  But because of my husband, family, and friends, I'm able to get back up.  I most definitely would not be here today without them.  They prayed for me.  Sat with me in ICU.  Visited me in the hospital for 14 days straight.  They helped to take care of me.  They provided laughs when I felt like I had forgotten how to smile.  They were my strength when I was weak.  They carried me and pushed me.  When I look back on this day seven years ago, I know it was harder for my family and friends than for me.  While I was "conscious" after surgery, I only have one memory.  I remember waking up, in excruciating pain, and sensing an elephant in the room.  I knew something was not right.  And I knew what it was.  I asked, "Do I have cancer?"  The tears began rolling down my mother and brother's face and I was told "yes."  Then nothing.  No more memory.  That's it.  Other than pre-op earlier that day, that is my only memory of February 14, 2006.

The reason it was harder for everyone else is because of what they had to see.  My poor family and best friend had to see me hooked up to all kinds of wires and machines.  They had to get the news from the doctor that my tumor was malignant.  Not only was it malignant, but the cells were dividing at a very rapid rate (something very bad in terms of cancer, which put me at testing highest grade.)  They had to watch me scream out in pain.  They had to watch me go crazy, every machine going off when I was told I had cancer.  They had to watch as I was taken back in for an emergency surgery just three days after my original surgery.  I honestly think this all was harder on them.  It's always harder to watch a loved one suffer and know you are helpless.  100% completely and utterly helpless.
But they all remained strong.  I honestly cannot recall my times at all that I saw my family or friends cry.  I know they did.  They've told me.  But they never did it in front of me.  They remained strong for me.  They took turns taking off work and skipping classes, driving to St. Louis to sit with me during chemotherapy or radiation.  They took care of me when my parents weren't around.  They hooked me up to my feeding tube each night, cooked me meals, got me anything I needed.  I am here because of them.

So instead of focusing on the negatives, when I start to cry, I think of all the love I have surrounding me.  Back then and today.  My support system has only grown.  I cannot thank you all enough for the emails, text messages, phone calls, Facebook and Twitter comments and private messages I've received thus far.  I know I'm where I am today because of the love and support I've received.  So today, while it still has many horrible memories attached to it, is also filled with love for more reasons than just Valentine's Day.  A love for my amazing friends and family.  Thank you.  You all will never truly know how much your words, prayers, and thoughts mean to me.  Thank you for making this day a little easier.  I just hope the rest of the day continues to go the same.