My parents both know what's going on. When I went to visit my sister this weekend, I told her I had the fever and the doctor was running some tests. I hadn't yet told my brother.
But now with the news of needing to see an oncologist, I knew I needed to fill my siblings in. My sister handled it well but she was also aware that something was going on.
Telling my brother was much harder. I knew he was going to be blind-sided because he didn't have a single clue that anything was going on with me. I asked him to call me after work because I needed to talk to him really briefly. I didn't make it seem as though anything was wrong because I didn't want to worry him all day at work.
When he called, I was so nervous. I absolutely hate telling people any sort of bad or potential bad news. Not to mention, I wanted to put up the front that I was okay. That I was strong. That I wasn't scared or worried. It was so hard to fight back my tears.
I told him everything that was going on and that they were sending me to an oncologist here and I was going to be getting a scan done this week. As the conversation unfolded, I could hear him sniffle every so often. I told myself he had been doing that at the beginning of the conversation, but reality was that I didn't notice it until I told him what was going on. He mentioned he wished he would have waited to call me until he was home and not at the gym. Which only led me to further believe that he was crying. It broke my heart.
My brother is seriously one of the strongest people I know. He doesn't cry. I can count the very, very few times I've seen him cry on one hand. He's always laughing, making jokes, and keeping things light-hearted. But not today. Today, I could sense his emotions. I could feel his fear. His worry. Which only made it harder for me. For many reasons. I cannot stand to know I'm the reason people are hurting. I know this situation is not my "fault" but I am the cause of it. I'm the one causing my family so much worry and stress. I'm the one causing their tears and hurt. I know it's only because they love me. I completely understand why they feel as they do. I would if I were in their shoes. But it hurts me. So badly. I don't want to ever cause my family negative emotions.
Knowing Ben wasn't his usual happy, joking self made me more worried. He's the one I could ALWAYS count on to make light of the situation. Make it seem like it's not a big deal and it's all going to be okay. But when he can't even do that, it shows just how scared and worried he is. Which then only fuels my fear.
As with my mother, I lied to him. I told him I wasn't all that worried. Just worried to see new doctors. I made it seem like it wasn't a big deal. I wanted to save him from negative feelings. So I lied. And I feel awful.
When we got off the phone, I told him I'd keep him updated next week. As we said goodbye, he said "I love you." I told him I loved him too, hung up, and just lost it. While my siblings and I are very, VERY close, we don't say I love you to one another. I'm not really sure why though??? My parents and each of us say it ALL THE TIME. But us siblings don't. When I was battling cancer in 2006 and life was full of unknowns, we said I love you all the time. It's as if we knew that might be it. And we weren't going to let a day pass without saying it. But it stopped when I got my first clear scan. As if we realized we were "safe" so we didn't need to say it anymore. But hearing him say it again, brought me back to that time in 2006.
The hardest part of this is the feelings and emotions I know others are experiencing. I hate that they are worrying, stressed, upset, and scared. I hate having to tell them these things. I wish I could just wait and not tell anyone other than Nick. Wait until we have clear answers. And hopefully positive clear answers.
I just sit here thinking that it HAS to be good news. Because if it's not, I honestly don't know how I'd tell my family and best friends. My first thoughts aren't of me and what I'll go through or what the outcome might be. My thoughts are my loved ones and how I don't want to hurt them. Don't want to tell them anything but positive news. I can't put my family and best friends through this again. It was so hard for them last time. So hard. My little sister shouldn't have to watch her big sister suffer and fight for her life. Not just once but twice. I'm supposed to be someone she can look up to and always know I'm here for her. She can always count on me and know I'm strong; not lying in a hospital bed weak and broken and fighting. My parents most definitely shouldn't have to deal with this. Not again. Once was too many. Parents should never have to watch their children suffer. Especially with a disease like cancer. In life, you just assume your parents go before you. As parents, I think they assume that too...that they won't watch their children pass away. It's not "natural" and I don't want my parents to have to fear that again. This time would be soooo much harder because I'm here, in Florida, away from them. And the decision would need to be made on what to do, where to have treatments done.
I just can't do this again. I refuse to put my parents through that. The hardest part of it all is not anything physical I will endure. The hardest part is hurting my family with the news.
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