Today has been so many back and forth phone calls.
My St. Louis Oncologist's nurse called and said that they're no longer going to order any imaging. The main reason being it will take 2-3 business days to get it run through Tricare and that would bring us to Tuesday at the earliest, and my appointment is Tuesday morning.
The second being, Dr. Adkins (my St. Louis oncologist) doesn't want to begin this all with the new oncologist feeling like Dr. Adkins is stepping on his toes. Which I understand, but it makes me nervous. I want Dr. Adkins to be involved so I'm really hoping my new oncologist (Dr. Patel) will actively seek his knowledge and input.
The last reason they want me to wait is because Dr. Patel might have his own imaging center within his cancer center, or his own tests he wants run. She also mentioned that imaging centers might not be the best place to go for something of this nature. That a radiology department within a cancer center is more equipped with people who deal with oncology related things on a daily basis. I agree and would feel more comfortable with this.
This afternoon, I drove to my new oncologist's office to sign the record release form. The facility (The Woodlands) is very, very nice. There are concierges to greet you as you walk into the building and help you find your way or assist you with anything else you need. I asked where Dr. Patel's office was and he told me the second floor, walked me to the elevators, pressed "up" and then told me to have a good day. When I got off the elevator, another concierges was there and asked where I was going. I told him Dr. Patel's office and he walked me right to the counter. I informed the girl I was there to sign the record release. She got that for me, along with new patient paperwork to bring back on Tuesday. While I was filling out the record release, I began crying. After I was done, I handed it back to her. The receptionist (probably a year or two younger than me) asked if I was okay and I said "I just never thought I'd be doing this again." She then began tearing up (which didn't help me), I said "Thank you, see you next week" and left. And the tears streamed down my face. I looked around saw too many familiar sights. A woman with a scarf wrapped around her head passed me. It stung and made me sick to my stomach. As I waited for the elevator, I noticed that the opposite way of my doctors office is the Infusion (chemo) center. The waiting room wasn't too crowded. It had a few cancer patients (recognized by their lack of hair or their weak and sick appearance.) It was also easy to pick out the worried family and friends with them. It brought back too many memories. I don't want to be here again. I don't want to see this. I don't want to go through this. The elevator opened up and I was able to escape those sights.
When I existed the elevator, I briskly walked to the front doors. The concierge's tone had changed (obviously in response to my tears) and gently said "Have a good day ma'am." I squeaked out a thank you and exited the building. The sidewalk was blocked by another concierge helping an old, bald, frail man into a wheel chair.
Another punch in the stomach. I don't want to get back to that. I don't want to be bald again. I don't want to wear a wig. I don't want to drop 15 pounds. I don't want to have to use a wheelchair again. I don't want to lose all my physical strength. I'm already fighting so hard to keep my mental and emotional strength, I don't know if I can keep doing it if it comes down to relapse. I don't want to depend on others for everything. I want to continue to grow my hair to the long length I'm wishing for. I want to be able to walk anywhere I want, and not need a wheelchair to simply walk down a hallway. I don't want to sleep away another 6+ months of my life. I don't want this. Any of this.
I sat in my car and cried. And cried. Nick didn't come with me. I told him I didn't need him to. Why would he? All I had to do was fill out my information and sign my name and leave. That doesn't require support. But I didn't even think about what being back in that element would do to me. When I got home, I told him how I cried while there. I immediately wished I hadn't told him because he wrapped me in his arms and felt so awful he didn't go with me. Just another person I felt guilty and horrible for provoking negative feelings.
After I calmed down, I decided to fill out the new patient forms. I know myself well enough to know that as the appointment draws closer, I get more nervous, don't think as clearly, and my hands get really shaky. The first few pages were simple. Just basic information about myself, my family history, and my history. List of current medications, previous surgeries and hospitalizations, etc. One of the last pages was a list of current symptoms, categorized such as "Constitutional Symptoms, Endocrine, Gastrointestinal, Cardiovascular, Psychological, Neurological, Integumentary" etc. What has me worried is that the "Constitutional Symptoms, Gastrointestinal, and Neurological" all have half or more of the symptoms circled "yes". Some are not everyday, but frequent. They could be nothing but they could point to something. I just hating seeing so many yeses circled on this sheet. It's just unsettling. And it's just more things to cause me to worry.
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